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Author Topic: Old Men Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 03:03 PM                        Rated R Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil." The other man said,"I don't like raw oysters,and to tell you the truth,I don't have any women to write to!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 03:06 PM                        Rated X Male Comebacks Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're a fat skank. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees greeting my crotch. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: That's cool, 'cause after I get done nailing you in the back of my car... I don't give a crap where you go. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face Man: Do you want to dance? Woman: No! Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: That works for me... as long as you're still warm when I do you. [ 01-14-2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:16 PM                        Rated G Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 09:51 AM                        Rated G Men are like... * placemats - they only show up when there's food on the table. * mascara - they usually run at the first sign of emotion. * bike helmets - they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly. * government bonds - they take so long to mature. * copiers - you need them in reproduction but that's about it. * lava lamps - fun to look at it but not all that bright. * bank accounts - without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. * high heels - they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. * curling irons - they're always hot and always in your hair. * mini skirts - if your not careful they'll creep up your legs. * handguns - keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 04:08 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What do you call a man who supports a woman's career, helps prepare the dinner, bathes the children and earns a six-figure income? ANSWER: Darling.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated R .......If Men Ruled The World Bill in Tampa 1- Two words... "Ally McNaked". 2- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 3- People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 4- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 5- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year. 6- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 7- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 8- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 9- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 10- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 11- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you". 12- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 13- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 14- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car. 15- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 02:44 PM                        Rated G Paul a 62 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Paul walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Paul and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Paul replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated G A book came out for women that tells women how to please men in bed. The title of the book is "Just show up"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 03:22 PM                        Rated G .........For Men only! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. ---------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ---------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ---------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ---------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ---------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ---------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. -------------------------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ---------------------------------------- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. --------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------- Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. ---------------------------------------- Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ---------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------ Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ---------------------------------------- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." ---------------------------------------- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son ! --------------------------------------- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ---------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. ---------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 10:32 AM                        Rated G On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 10:39 AM                        Rated R Im Sorry Once there was this man who had an extremely small penis and was forever unhappy about what he had been born with... One day he was walking through town when he came upon a small store that said True Magic and Wishes... Looking like a rather strange and interesting shop the man entered the store and walked up to the shopkeeper behind the counter... "What do you mean by your sign, true magic and wishes" he asked curiously... "well you see young man we have many things that can make all your dreams come true in a single wish or spell" the shopkeeper said... "Do you have something that you always wished for?" she asked the man... Looking abit embaressed ,the man finally said "yes, but you cant laugh ok"... "My penis is very small and i wish it to be very big, can you help me?" The man asked... The shopkeeper smiled "Dont be saddened by this for i have just the thing for you"... The man watched the shopkeeper open a drawer underneath the counter and pull out a strange leather case, opening the case it contained a gold ring with a mysterious red stone set in it... "This will help you, but there will be a price" The shopkeeper said... The man thought about this and if he was to have a big penis he would pay anything to have it... So after settling a price that made both parties satisfied the shopkeeper told him how to use the ring... "It works quite simple, all you need to do is wear it like a normal ring and bump into people and let them apologise, once this happens your penis will grow a few inches each time it happens" the shopkeeper said... The man thanked the shopkeeper and as soon as he was out of the store and on the street he couldnt wait to try it... Slipping the ring on his finger he found that a little old lady was walking his way and he purposely bumped into her and she apologised... Slowly he felt something strange happen to his penis and sure enough he felt it grow a few inches in his pants... I cant beleive it ,it works like a charm, the man thought... Next he bumped into a young man walking his dog and sure enough the young man apogised and again he felt his penis grow a little more, the man was over the moon... The man then saw an old indian man also walking his way and again bumped into him... The old indian man looked up at the man who had bumped into him and placed his hand upon his shoulder in gester and said... "A thousand apologies my good man"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 10:44 AM                        Rated G Dogs and Men How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:20 PM                        Rated G Amusement Park Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common? A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:57 PM                        Rated G Bill: My wife drives like lightning. Doug: You mean she drives fast? Bill: No, She hits trees.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers,NY Four married guys go fishing.After an hour,the following conversation took place: First guy:"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outfishing this weekend.I had to promise my wife that I will paint everyroom in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That is nothing,I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man,you both have it easy!I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.So they asked him."You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy:"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."  |  IP: Logged

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