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Author
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Topic: Old Men
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-01-2003 12:56 PM
Rated XX ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of
that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of
your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he has an orgasm, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's
name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feelslike."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 12-05-2003 06:15 PM
Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their
relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Sam calls Abe and says "I bet you that mine is longer soft than
yours is hard. A thousand dollars."
Abe replies "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you....
Sam interrupts "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than
yours is hard...A thousand dollars...YES OR NO?"
Abe says, "OK ,OK, I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Sam answers, "Eleven years."
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 10-14-2004 11:50 AM
Rated G from Dave
Happily Losing it
A 90 year-old gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a 'well looked after' image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady in her mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-31-2004 08:59 AM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Wisdom can sometimes take a while with us men.
... The Story of My Life ...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl,but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency;she was a drama queen,cried all the
time and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,but I couldn't keep up with her.She rushed from one thing to another,never settling on
anything.She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy.She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31,I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser,and am now looking for a girl with big tits. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2004 03:39 PM
Rated G Michele
Men
They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.
Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.
Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.
The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward, of their inner Little Leaguer.
How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.
They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.
Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.
They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.
They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.
How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.
How nice their butts look in jeans.
How nice their hands look holding ours.
Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.
Their ignorance is usually amusing.
They have a great sense of competition.
They give great hugs, and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added).
Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.
They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.
They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.
They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-17-2005 09:50 AM
Rated G
Five Gifts NOT to buy a Woman:
1. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
2. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (They actually test them you know.)
3. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "Where would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It's a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
4. Do not give her a gift certificate to a fitness center or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to, "Do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
5. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
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