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Author Topic: Old Men Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:22 PM                        Rated G Pamela What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:39 PM                        Rated G Gloria True facts about men! 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder. 7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. 9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them. 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets. 15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".. 17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2005 02:03 PM                        Rated G Gerry BILL: I'm going to marry a widow. PHIL: I wouldn't want to be the second husband of a widow. BILL: Better the second than the first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2005 01:23 PM                        Rated G Gerry Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-12-2005 04:42 PM                        Rated G DEFINITION OF A BARBEQUE COOK It's the only type of cooking a REAL man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events is putinto motion: 1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking,places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand. 4) The man places the meat on the grill. 5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning,he thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,sauces,and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And,upon seeing her annoyed reaction,concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:49 PM                        Rated G "A man without a woman is like a neck without pain." Anon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2005 10:55 AM                        Rated R 20 Types of men you might meet in the men's room. EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not. CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2005 08:30 AM                        Rated PG Dumping Grounds: The modern approach Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But now there is a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail! That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it! What could be more painless? Following is an e-mail rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: --------------- Dear [her name], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name]. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: [Men will check those that apply] [ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. [ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. [ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. [ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make. [ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. [ ] My breasts are bigger than yours. [ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. [ ] Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. [ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. [ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously. [ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. [ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, [Your name]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 03:29 PM                        Rated G Gerry Men are going to beauty parlors now, too. It's the macho thing to do. All over the country I can just hear guys saying. "I'm gonna run down to the corner and get a couple of beers and a body wax."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated G A guy's life can be described as a train on a railway track. When they are 20, Every station they want to stop. When they are 30, They can only stop at one station. When they are 40, They want to stop but they are not allowed to stop. When they are 50, They want to stop but they cannot stop. When they are 60, Forget about stopping, they can't even start  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 10:55 AM                        Rated G Andrew The most important thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:45 PM                        Rated G Man is Like an Automobile.... ~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. ~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question! ~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. ~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya! ~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging. ~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position' and ya can't get anywhere that way. ~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 01:23 PM                        Rated G I've been trying to understand men by watching football, and I noticed that they treat the football like a woman. They hold on to it, they take it places and never let it out of their sight. Until the moment they score, when they toss it aside.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 11:11 AM                        Rated R Bruce A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. When she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol set on fire , with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his ass.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 11:16 AM                        Rated PG Cynthia If Men Got Pregnant... Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay. There'd be a cure for stretch marks. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness. Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained. Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute. Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm. Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags. They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him." Paternity suits would be a line of clothes. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.  |  IP: Logged

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