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» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Old Men (Page 15)

 
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Author Topic: Old Men
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-28-2003 11:26 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

25 years ago my hangouts were the sports bar and the coffee
shop ...

Now they're the pharmacy and the bathroom. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 04-30-2003 02:56 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Men are simple things.
They can survive a whole weekend with
only three things:
beer, boxer shorts
and their "working" computer... [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-07-2003 10:43 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!] Man Talk

Doug:
"I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "Yeah, I'm married, too." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 05-14-2003 07:11 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

What else is new? With all this racy lingerie advertising we can hardly keep our minds on interest rates and world politics. But thank god for them all.

Without the titillation of sex, baseball, politics and money...a man might become preoccupied by his own wife.And what woman would want a man like that? [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-01-2003 08:10 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Alex

Man's Errors and length of time until you can expect to get any:


Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a chick flick. -4 days

Using any expression other than making love to refer to sex.
-4 days

Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking about her mother -5 days

Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's okay if you don't want to go". -6 days

Shushing her during ESPN SportsCenter. -8 days.

Not allowing her to watch Judging Amy because there's a Three Stooges marathon on AMC. -3 days

Bringing up the possibility of a threesome...
With her friend - 2 days
With her sister - 19 days
With her mom - 6 months

Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks how the makeup she just spent 11/2 hours putting on looks. -2 days

Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really cool police chase on TV. -3 days

Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she asks you if she you would ever cheat on you. -12 days

Accusing her of having PMS
when she doesn't -8 days
when she does -12 days

Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in Cosmopolitan. -4 days

Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. -6 days [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-01-2003 09:05 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] .........Michele

There are three kinds of men.

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. That's me [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-04-2003 10:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic.He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's
eyes.He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks.Never quite
the man his son believes him to be.And this worries him
sometimes.(So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes ...and would run
the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life,(which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him).

Fathers grow older faster than people,because they,in other
wars,have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the
uniform that climbs on board.

And,while mothers cry where it shows,fathers stand and beam --
outside -- and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men,who aren't
nearly good enough,so that they can have children that are
smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily.They hurry away from the
breakfast table,off to the arena which is sometimes called an
office or a workshop.There, with callused hands, hey tackle the
dragon with three heads;Weariness,Works,and Monotony.And they
never quite win the fight,but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers.There's
little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where a father goes when he dies,but I've an idea
that,after a good rest,wherever it is,he won't just sit on a
cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she bore.

He'll be busy there too -- repairing the stars,oiling the gates, improving the streets,smoothing the way.

~by Paul Harvey~

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-16-2003 06:45 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Lorraine

By the time a man realizes that his father was right,he has a son who thinks he's wrong. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-25-2003 06:21 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Michele   

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally, I drive a white Vette."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.

"Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-25-2003 08:08 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

A man was being proselytized by group of friends:

"Come join our study group.We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God."

"I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter."

"But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?"

"Wherever my wife tells me to." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-02-2003 08:30 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

THE MANS DICTIONARY!!!!!!!


IMAGINATION - Something that sits up with the wife when her husband is out late.

INCOMPATIBILITY - Two people who can't stomach each other.

JITTERBUG - A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet.

LOVE PIRATE - A mug who gets his face slapped when he startslooking for buried treasure.

MATERNITY DRESS - A slip cover

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore.

MINUTE MAN - A fellow who double parks in front of a house of ill-repute. MISTRESS - Something between a mister and a mattress.

MIXED EMOTIONS - Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new Mercedes/Cadillac/BMW..

OPTIMIST - A man who thinks his wife quit smoking cigarettes when he finds cigar butts around the house.

PYJAMAS - Items of clothing that newly-weds place beside the bed in case of fire.

PAPOOSE - Result of taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PERFECT WIFE - One who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store.

PIMP - A nookie-bookie.

PROSTITUTE - A busy body.

PSYCIATRIST - One who tries to find out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult in adultery.

QUICKIE - No sooner spread than done.

STOCKBROKER - A man who can take a bankroll and run it into a shoestring.

SUPPORTER - A ball-bearing babushka.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals

VIRGIN - A girl who makes an issue out of a tissue [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-17-2003 08:11 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

These two guys were talking how they wanted to die.

One said he wanted to die in his sleep so he wouldn't have any pain.

The other said he wanted to die like a rat.

His friend said," how's that? "

He said,"I wanna jump in bed and let that pussy eat me up." [Big Grin]

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Bill Gabel
Film God

Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002


 - posted 07-24-2003 10:44 AM      Profile for Bill Gabel   Email Bill Gabel   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
On the first day, God created the cow Rated G

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed, again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. tell you what, I'll take my twenty years, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makeseighty, okay?"
"Okay, said God. "Youve got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2003 06:32 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Man Talk

Max:
I love to drive to the seaside and the mountains with my girlfriend. What about you?

Monty: I love to drive my mother- in-law to the airport. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 07-31-2003 09:00 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Michele

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand theconcept of an inch equaling a hundred miles. [Big Grin]

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