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Author
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Topic: Old Men
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2002 03:46 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Alex
Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing,we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do youthink the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber- toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2002 09:29 PM
Rated G
Because I'm A Man
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it. Though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - I mean, how in the world could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or sports, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mommy, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie... Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it ~ I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now???
Because I'm a man and this is, after all, the year 2000, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
(This has been a Public Service Message for Women,to better understand the Male Animal.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2002 12:08 PM
Rated PG
TOUGH QUESTIONS FOR MEN
The five toughest questions that women ask men and their answers:
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinkingabout how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, beprepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2002 08:36 AM
Rated G
Top 10 worst gifts a man can buy a woman
1.Never give a woman any kind of household applianceor something that is going to make "housework" easier.For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, oneof those mops they advertise on tv that doeseverything but suck the life out of you, anything in ainfomercial. The only appliance allowed is a vibratorwith all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and whoneeds a man. Another wise choice is a new washingmachine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day goby pretty fast when you can at least sit on it duringspin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2.Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you thatlarge box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windexshould last you a while." "I got a good deal on theindustrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I cansay is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if youwould have at least stopped and thought about whatwould be a much more intimate gift, you would have hadthe sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you wereeyeing in Kmart.
3.Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices ordices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day beused as a weapon against you when you come home withlipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4.Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this,you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5.Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6.No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu deToilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7.Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the NewYear's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8.Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing.Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear thisoutfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine).It's a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9.Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig orWeight Watchers. Most men would know better,especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If youare one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it andpurchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silenttreatment for a month. (Although that may be somethingyou would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as apersonal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string.I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500calories.
10.Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts,they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2002 10:11 PM
Rated G
WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE
~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good
for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car
or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you,honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.
WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do,
and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-11-2002 06:42 AM
Rated PG
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah," said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him," said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board." ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-13-2002 02:50 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. Paul said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home. Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth. "Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs. That's not fair!"
"Now, now,Joe," Paul replied,"We all have our bears to cross."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-18-2002 11:04 AM
Rated PG=13
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Cripes," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 08:43 AM
Rated G
BECAUSE I'M A MAN
Because I'm a Man,when I lock my keys in the car,I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well,I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything,I wouldn't know where to start."We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a Man,when I catch a cold,I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a Man,I can be relied upon to purch
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 08:51 AM
Rated G
BECAUSE I'M A MAN
Because I'm a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a Man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu"; For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a Man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a Man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how would he know where we're going?
Because I'm a Man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a Man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a Man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it-looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2002, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
This has been ~ A public service message for Women, to better understand Men.
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