This is a test for men only and all real men answer "C" to all of these questions.Women will also benefit by reviewing the questions so they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping outhunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game. She's reading the papers and suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?
A. You sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. Although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. You cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.

How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school.

Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flushes.

An old farmer had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch ofyoung women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.., tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more!"

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married".

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?", asks the first friend.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

Men Are Morons!

Q. What is the thinnest book in the world?
A. What men know about women.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half-hour of begging.

Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A. He's breathing.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know…It has never happened.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
handicapped.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q. What the difference between man and E.T.
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A. A Hot-dog and a six pack of beer.

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How to talk about men and still be politically correct...

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Man Test

This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.

Circle the best answer to each question below.

1.) impotence is

a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties

1.) A menstrual cycle has

a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along

2.) The G-spot is

a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men

3.) Masturbate refers to

a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone

4.) Premature ejaculation is

a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal

5.)A Douche is

a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"

6.) Lesbian refers to

a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better

7.) Vagina is

a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your
responsibility

8.) Pornography is

a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets

9.) KOTEX is

a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one

10.)A wet dream is likely to occur

a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands

SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).

If you got 10 CORRECT:

You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is
finding a woman worthy of your attentions.

If you got 6-9 CORRECT:

You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet pornography sites...

If you got 1-5 CORRECT:

Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your
manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...
anyone's sexuality!

if you got NONE CORRECT:

It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy, monastic life or marriage.

FISHING VERSUS WOMEN

A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.

Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.

Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you.

Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.

A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.

If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.

A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.

You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.

Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says anything.

The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf it entirely in their mouth.

QUESTION: How can you tell that you're getting old?

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