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Author
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Topic: Old Men
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-21-2003 06:28 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A man was on his way home with a new car,which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.Twice he stopped,counted his parcels,searched his pockets,but finally decided he had everything with him.Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out,stopped short,and cried,"Daddy, where's Mommy?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 08-26-2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-26-2003 12:22 PM
Rated G
41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. We know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-04-2003 10:06 AM
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
THE RULES -- THIS TIME BY MEN !!!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules ! Please note ... It is no mistake that they are
all numbered "1". These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it
down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with
it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work ! Obvious hint do not work ! Just say it !
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What
makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which
pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress ?
1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not
a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.
1. No those pants do not make you look fat,the fat
makes you look fat.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for
you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really
don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-12-2003 01:34 AM
Rated G
Five Impossible Questions Women Ask
1. "What are you thinking?
Right answer: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.
Wrong answer: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."
2. "Do you love me?"
Right answer: "Yes." or "Yes, dear."
Wrong answer: "I suppose so." or "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
3. "Do I look fat?"
Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)
Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."
4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
Right answer: "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answer: "Not prettier, just prettier in a different way." or "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Right answer: "I would be extremely upset. And, no I wouldn't remarry."
Wrong answer: Anything else.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-12-2003 10:04 AM
Rated PG Lorraine
Two young men are speculating on how long they might live, and one says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him. "After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show you," snickers the friend, "both
will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first
man. "Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2003 10:31 AM
Rated G Michele
Man Is Like An Automobile ~ As it gets older, the differential
starts slopping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive
shaft to go bad.
~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has
difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to
climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets
clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus
will make it to the top.
~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter,
making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can
kill ya!
~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking
hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat
goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.
~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low
position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.
~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2003 11:58 AM
Rated G Michele
You are in the men's room, where the unwritten rule is no talking,
wizzing away when someone says your name from behind.
a. bad, you turn your head and in doing so,pee on the guys shoes next to you.
b. worse, you try to zip up, still peeing,and pee on the same guys slacks.
c. Disaster,it is your boss who is next to you.
You are in the restroom working on a number two when,
a. bad,the door latch doesnt work and it swings open.
b. worse,there are 5 people staring at you.
c. disaster,you are in the wrong restroom.
You are getting a rectal exam from your doctor (bad)
you just found out he is gay (worse)
you feel both of his hands on your shoulder (disaster)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 11:03 AM
Rated G LAS in CT
Some old. Some new.
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5000;tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
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