According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.

IF MEN REALLY RULED!

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I Love You".

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however would remain exactly the same, but would be celebrated every month.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

Faucets would run "Hot,' "Cold," and "100 proof".

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

If men got pregnant...

Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem.

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

They would serve beer instead of coffee at ante-natalclasses.

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

ONE - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....

FIVE - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The Man Test!

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would
agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place.

Evaluating Your Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized. "I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?"

"I really don't know", came the reply, "why don't you go and ask him?"

"Good idea I think I will." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner. "Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?"

"Fuck off and leave me alone", replied the elderly gent irritably.

Taken a back, the club member returned to his friend.

"What did he say?", he asked. "He said 'Fuck off and leave me alone' "

~ Baldness ~

He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.

He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.

He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.

It's not that he's baldheaded...he just has a tall face.

There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.

There's a new remedy on the market for baldness.It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn'tgrow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.

He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.

True Meanings Of Male Statements

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Three thnigs Men Know:

1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Secrets To A Long Life!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"

Impotence: nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".

A MAN COMPLAINING TO A FRIEND:

"I had it all--money, a beautiful house, big car, the love of a beautiful woman...then...POW!!...it was ALL GONE!!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

A man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis.

He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas , a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat a man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But I would have to kill you."