Of course, movie projectionist's of all people should know these,
but just in case........

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to
help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful
hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in
the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them,
so
be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's
voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply
to
any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least
twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it
will
still be moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are
sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway,
and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time
to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old
house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can
flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Why Halloween Is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning.

Did you ever wonder if the Pilgrims would have killed bobcats instead ofturkeys?

And if so on Thanksgiving we'd be eating pussy!

Christmas Bonus

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

TO ALL MEMBERS AND LURKERS OF - FILM-TECH.COM

May this Thanksgiving be special. May it bring us closer to family, loved ones and friends. May we appreciate more the things that we have and want less for the
things that we really don't need.

May we each put aside a few extra moments to prayer for the sick, the lonely, and the less fortunate.

May we cherish our families and hold dear in our hearts those who have gone before us.

May we, each and everyone of us, take a moment to prayer for our soldiers, our Armed Forces, and our President.

May we remember those who perished on September 11 and prayer for the familes and loved ones of those left behind.

May we remember that through unity, understanding and tolerance there is strength. As we sit down to our Thanksgiving meal, may we be thankful, in prayer, for the blessings we share and the freedoms we enjoy.

May we carry this feeling through the holiday season and on into the New Year!

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa, please stay."

And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."

And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."

A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah.

The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.

A Cousin of mine sent me this interesting piece of history. He is a Bishop in the Anglican Church in Ontario, Canada

BobM

The one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

Today, I found out from another internet contact. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit-Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit-Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

Psychotic Christmas Carols (tra-la-la-la-la...)

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia.
All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

TWAS THE DAZE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the days before Christmas,
And all through the school,
The teachers were trying
To just keep their cool.

The hallways were hung
With Christmas art
(Some made in November
to get a head start!)

The children were bouncing
Off ceilings and walls,
And seemed to forget
How to walk in the halls.

When out of the teacher's lounge
With "holiday shirts"
And "jingle bell jewels,"
The teachers looked festive
Enforcing the rules.

Suddenly, from down the hallway
There came such a chatter,
The principal went in
To see what was the matter.

The teachers were hiding
And trying to refuel,
On coffee and cookies
And treats from the Yule.

When what to their wondering
Ears do they hear,
But the ringing of school bells
- It's the children they fear!

More rapid than reindeer
The little ones came,
And the teachers all shouted
And called them by name;

Walk, Vincent! Walk, Tanner!
Walk, Tyler and Sammy!
Sit, Jamie! Sit, Laura!
Sit, Tara and Tammy!

To your desks in the room!
To your spots in the line!
Now walk to them! Walk to them!
No running this time!

So straight to their places
The children all went.
With fear of detention
Where they could be sent.

With manuals of lessons
Cradled in arms,
The teachers began
To use all their charms.

But the lessons presented
All fell on deaf ears.
The children were thinking
Of Santa's reindeer!

With a toss of their hands
They put manuals aside,
Went straight to the cupboards
Where videos hide.

And laying their finger
On the TV remote
They sat back to write
Their last Christmas note.

Once, Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and a smart blonde were sitting around at dinner. There was a 100 dollar bill on the table. Guess who grabbed it first. (The Answer is at the bottom.)
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Did you guess? Well, it was none of them. Know why?

Why did the snowman drop his pants?

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.

"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing."

As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on.

But the woman insisted. "I know that felt like snow!"