Reasons Santa Can't Be a Man

Men can't pack a bag.

Men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the "Ho, Ho, Ho," thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting -- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "US POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox then
quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and
Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the top of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

Mafia Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elves,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked-back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name:

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side the head.

"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Dear Santa: You must be surprised that I am writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the begining of this year, when filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I am not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and my neighbors.

I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing that I would not do for humanity.

So what balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son-of-a-bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree! As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave the little jerkhead across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year or I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so that you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Valentine's Day Card Shopping

A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?" exclaimed the woman.

"Yes m'am. They're called darts."

Which Valentine's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive....

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

1. CANDY

It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS

It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM

It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

4. SEX

It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR... You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING

It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and drink and few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON

WOMEN

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe
there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet
they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all SIZES, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

There are certain advantages to being a woman...

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for them.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening.

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. They were so upset that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

When God Made Fathers

When the good Lord was creating Fathers, he started with a tall frame.
A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a Father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put the Father up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a Father's hands, they were large. The angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do you realize you just made a Father without a lap?" The angel chuckled.

God said, "A Mother needs a lap. A Father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself any longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without crushing one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see. They will support a small child who wants to ride to Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked throughout the night, giving the Father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he can love as much as a Mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

Look up! And see me!
I stand for peace - honor - truth and justice.
I stand for freedom
I am confident - I am arrogant
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners
My head is a little higher
My colors a little truer.
I bow to no one.

I am recognized all over the world.
I am worshipped - I am saluted - I am respected
I am revered - I am loved, and I am feared.
I have fought every battle of every war
for more than 200 years:
Gettysburg, Shilo, Appomatox, San Juan Hill,
the trenches of France,
the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome,
the beaches of Normandy,

the deserts of Africa,
the cane fields of the Philippines,
the rice paddies andjungles of Guam, Okinawa,
Japan, Korea, Vietnam, Guadalcanal,
New Britain, Peleliu, and many more islands.
And a score of places long forgotten
by all but those who were with me.

I was there.
I led my soldiers - I followed them.
I watched over them.
They loved me.
I was on a small hill in Iwo Jima.
I was dirty, battle-worn and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me,
and I was proud.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of countries
I have helped set free.
It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled, burned, torn
and trampled on the streets of my country,
and when it is by those with whom
I have served in battle - it hurts.
But I shall overcome - for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth
and stand watch over the
uncharted new frontiers of space
from my vantage point on the moon.

I have been a silent witness to all
of America's finest hours.
But my finest hour comes when I am torn
into strips to be used for bandages
for my wounded comrades on the field of battle,

When I fly at half mast to honor my soldiers,
And when I lie in the trembling arms
of a grieving mother at the graveside
of her fallen son.

I am proud.
My name is Old Glory.
Dear God - Long may I wave.

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes. He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks. Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes ... and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him).

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.

And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam -- outside -- and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers. There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where a father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he's loved and the children she bore. He'll be busy there too -- repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

DADDY'S DAY

Her hair up in a ponytail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow,
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home,
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say,
What to tell her classmates,
on this Daddy's Day.

But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why she once again
tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
eager to tell them all,
About a dad she never sees,
a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet,
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats.

One by one the teacher called,
a student from the class,
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare,
Each of them were searching,
for a man who wasn't there.

"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out,
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."

The words did not offend her,
as she smiled at all her friends,
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to begin.

And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak,
From out of the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.

"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away,
But I know he wishes that he
could be here with me today.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know,
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories,
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes
and ice cream in a cone,
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing all alone.

Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart,
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be here in my heart.

With that her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest,
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.

From somewhere in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears,
She proudly watched her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.

She stood up for the love
of a man not in her life,
Doing what was best for her
and doing what was right.

She dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd,
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.

"I love my daddy very much
and he's my shining star,
He would be here if he could,
but heaven's just too far.

Sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.
Then she closed her eyes,
and saw him there with her that day.

To her mother's amazement,
she witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them
or what they felt inside.
Perhaps just for a second,
they saw him at her side.

"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
What happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.

No one there could explain it,
for each had their eyes closed,
But there placed on her desktop,
was a beautiful fragrant pink rose.

A child was blessed this moment
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
Heaven is never too far.

WHEN GOD MADE FATHERS

When the good Lord was creating fathers, he started with a tall frame.

A female angel nearby said, "What kind of a father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put the father up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending, or even kiss a child without stooping"

God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?"

And when God made a father's hands, they were large. The angel shook her head and said,"Large hands can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails, or even remove splinters caused from baseball bats."

Again God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets, yet small enough to cup a child's face in them."

Then God molded long slim legs and broad shoulders, "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap?" The angel chuckled.

God said, "A mother needs a lap. A mather needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, to balance a boy on a bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus."

When God was in the middle of creating the biggest feet any one had ever seen, the angel could not contain herself any longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries, or walk through a birthday party without crushing one or two of the guests?"

God again smiled and said, "They will work. You will see. They will support a small child who wants to ride to Branbury Cross or scare mice away from a summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a firm authoritative voice; eyes that see everything, but remain calm and tolerant.

Finally, almost as an after thought, He added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, "Now are you satisfied he can love as much as a mother can?"

The angel said nothing more.

The Price Of Freedom

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners: men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts and died in rags.

Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr. noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall and straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of the declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember: Freedom is never free! I hope you show your support by sharing this with as many people as you can. It's time we get the word out that Patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games.