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Author
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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-27-2002 10:32 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) From JJ on the Pacific Ocean
He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then .................he stuffed the turkey!
May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!!
What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!
HAPPY THANKGIVING TO YOU ALL: ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-27-2002 01:28 PM
Rated G
"The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven"
By Jack Prelutsky
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a
chair.
It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, Then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows; it totally coated the floor, There was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance; it smeared every saucer and bowl, There wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped,That I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-27-2002 07:29 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
BLACK NOVEMBER!
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of....Black November.
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald and pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave you lying in the sink.
And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were to grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a singed piece of meat.
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.
But 'twas i who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2002 09:25 PM
Rated G Christmas
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously harm their macho image.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
~By Rex Alexander~
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2002 12:57 PM
Rated G
SANTA'S SECRET WISH
On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder and wise.
"The truth is that my sack is magic inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl and each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy
Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
"My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives toys aren't enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,
And I pray with them that they'll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.
"If only God hears me and answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,
to give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.
But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
"That's part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,
is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.
In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve Day
More love than a Santa could e'er give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
"And do you know something? You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine, and it's inside of you.
It never gets empty, it's full from the start.
It's the center of lights, and love. It's your heart
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with the gifts 'neath your tree.
Open that sack called your heart and share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."
The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.
"Thanks for your secret. I've got to be going."
"Wait, little boy," Said Santa, "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?"
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, "I will."
by Betty Werth~
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2002 06:13 AM
Rated R From PT in Washington State
Dear Friends:
I have been watching you-all very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I well be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we
had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-05-2002 07:47 AM
Rated PG
The Redneck
Night Before Christmas!
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12
Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus
On the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name:
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors and I wish
A Merry Christmas to you!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2002 11:28 AM
Rated PG A Few Santa Letters
Dear Santa,
I wood like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a monkey trainer. How about I
send you a fucking book so you can learn to read And write? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Quit smoking pot...
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like For my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What..., and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having? He's banging
that one like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice
LEGOs instead.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad
Just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work up here. You're getting a sweater vest & underwear again.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer shoot air biscuits in myface.You really want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Southern Comfort
instead....
Santa
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2002 11:38 AM
Rated G
Old Fashion Christmas Eve
The tree's all decorated, the lights are aglow,
the ground is covered, by the new fallen snow.
Families are gathered, all together again,
reliving memories, of way back when.
Children and grandchildren, running all about,
while thru the house, their laughter rings out.
Friends and neighbors, they all stop by,
some to stay awhile, others to just say hi.
Under the mistletoe, a couple kiss in the hall,
it's the time of the year, when love's shared by all.
Old hurts are finally, layed down to rest,
and to get along, everyone tries their best.
The cookies and eggnog, are just about gone,
one small child, tries to hide a sleepy yawn.
As bedtime approaches, and draws near,
the children crawl in bed, with not one tear.
Even the dog and cat, seem to get along,
while everyone gathers, to sing one last song.
Joyous glee, and wonderous delight,
just an old fashion, Christmas Eve night.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2002 07:52 AM
Rated G
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(Mexican-American version!)
T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the casa,
Mama, she was busy
Preparing the masa...
To make the tamales
For the tamalada,
And all the ingredients
For beef enchiladas.
Papa in the front room
Trimming the pinata,
With all kinds of goodies
While doing the cha cha!
My brothers and sisters
Were out in the hall,
Listening to Los Lobos
Sing a rock & roll call,
When all of the sudden
I heard such a racket-
I jumped out of bed
And I put on my jacket,
I went to the window
And in front of the house,
Was my old Uncle Pedro
As happy as a mouse,
He ran in the house
And grabbed the guitarra,
Let out a yell: A..ja..ja..ja..jay!
And sang:Guadalajara, Guadalajara!
I was starting to wonder
As I lay there alone,
How old Santa Claus
Was to visit my home,
With all of this noise
That would scare him away...
But all of the sudden
I heard someone say,
Ea, Pedro, Chuchito, Gordito, Jose
Get up all you guys -
Or you don't get any hay!
And what to my wonderin'
Eyes did appear?
But eight little donkeys,
Instead of reindeer,
And they pulled the carreta
That was full of toys,
For all of us good
Little girls and boys.
And the fat little driver
Waved the big sombrero
As he said, "Merry Christmas,
Feliz Ano Nuevo!"
And then he sang,
"I am Santa's cousin,
From South of the border.
My name's Pancho Claus,
And I brought what you ordered."
I heard him exclaim
As he drove past the porches,
"Feliz Navidad to all,
And to all, Buenas Noches!"
Spanish Translations For You:
Buenas Noches = Good Night
Feliz Navidad = Merry Christmas
Feliz Ano Nuevo = Happy New Year ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
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