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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 07:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine DAVEY AND THE FIRST CHRISTMAS Let's pretend there was a boy, And Davey was his name, Whose family lived in Bethlehem When CHRISTMAS TIME first came. Davey had a special pet - A donkey small and gray, And what the two of them did BEST Was getting in the way! Davey named the donkey Tim, He never rode him though. Either Tim was built to HIGH Or Davey was too low! Davey's father had an inn Where people came to stay; And lots and lots and LOTS of them Were coming there one day. His father was BUSY As six or seven bees! So Davey said, I want to help! Can't I do something, please? Tim would like to help you, too! Find a job for us to do! Listen, Son," his father said, Last week you broke three jugs. You scared my two best customers With your pet lightning bugs! You tracked in mud on my clean floor, You tripped, and dropped the bread. And though I loved the fish you caught - WHY leave them on my bed? I've put up with your helpfulness As long as I am able! So - do me one big favor, now! GET OUT - and clean the stable. Davey sadly went and stood Beside the stable door. It hardly seemed that ANYONE Could clean that dirty floor! He and Tim both felt so bad They started in to cry But then (thought Davey), YES, we CAN! Well, anyhow - let's try! First, let's chase those chickens out! That's what we've got to do! So Tim began to flap his ears While Davey shouted, "SHOOOOOO!" The chickens clucked and flew and ducked, They fluttered wild and scary, Until their feathers filled the air Like snow in January! Yes, Davey chased those chickens out, He and Tim together; But now he had to get a sack And pick up every feather! You should have seen how HARD they worked! They stacked up all the wheat. They straightened up the harnesses Till they were nice and neat, They fought with spiders bravely Till they chased out every bug! (And since we must admit the truth - They broke another jug!) The very biggest job of all Was stacking up the hay! Davey climbed up to the loft And put it all away! Look, Tim! you see how HIGH it is? I'll make just one more trip... Then clear up by the stable roof His feet began to slip! DOWN CAME HAY AND DAVEY TOO! The stable looked so queer - All you could see was piles of hay - One sandal, and one ear! Slowly they came out on top, And Davey didn't whine, Though hay stuck out all over him Just like a PORCUPINE! He put the hay all back again, And stacked it up with care -- But left one armload down below To fill the manger there. So Davey's work was done at last; And when it all looked neat He picked some flowers to trim the barn (And some for Tim to eat!) I hope it's clean enough, he thought At least, I did my best. And feeling very, very tired, He curled up for a rest . . . Who woke up Davey from his sleep? Just guess them if you can! Mary was the woman's name, Joseph was the man. Mary said, Oh Joseph, look! This is a lovely place! Then, seeing Davey there, she said With such a shining face, Your father's inn had no more rooms. Tonight we're staying there; So tell me now, are you the boy Who cleaned the stable, Dear? And did your donkey help you work? We want to thank him, too. Though Davey still was half asleep His heart was glad - clear through! So that is how a little boy Two thousand years ago Stayed on to hear the angels sing And see the Star aglow! As soon as Baby Jesus came To use the manger bed, Then Davey's sack of feathers made A pillow for His head! No one told Davey anymore That he was in the way! His work had helped get ready for THE WORLD'S FIRST CHRISTMAS DAY! (Story by Beth Vardon)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2002 10:01 AM                        Rated G Do Reindeer Rule? 'Twas the Night before Christmas, has lots of rhymes. But do you think the story really fits with our times? We don't have a chimney, our socks are in the wash. Dreaming of sugar plums? Oh my gosh! And what's with a kerchief? Our dad wears no cap. He snores all night, you call that a nap? They tell us that Santa is coming tonight. He'll be flying in here on a sleigh, YEAH, RIGHT! When we were much younger we believed all that stuff, Now that we're older we know it's a bluff. This Christmas eve is not going as we wish. So we snuck down the stairs to turn on the dish. All involved in the movie, we wouldn't hear a mouse. But this clatter, meant a party at the neighbor's house. As we sprang to our feet, to see who was out there, We couldn't believe reindeer, no, not on a dare! We looked at each other, and gave out a squeak. Someone is coming, oh what a sneak. No, it's just Dad going to the can. No, really look, it's the true fat man. He stands by the table and looks through the house And takes from his pocket a tiny gray mouse. He says, "Ho, Ho Ho, I truly believe, There must be a mouse in each Christmas eve." His belt buckle shakes as he laughs, look at that... My gosh this jolly old guy sure is fat. He looks up and sees us, then gives a big smile. He says, "I came to see you, let's talk a while. "You're grown up kids now that don't believe That Santa comes on each Christmas eve. You've let your minds be filled with doubt. It's simple, without me the fun's left out. "I remember the time you both sat on my knee Smiles on your faces, eyes sparkling with glee. Don't you remember the thrill you felt then? With a little belief you can feel it again. He turns as he says, "Will you please come out here? And there on the driveway stood eight tough reindeer. They all nod to us and then snort in a chorus, "Who's these cool dudes now standing before us?" As the big burley guy crawls into his sleigh. We're both thinking, there ain't no way! He says, "It's my new team, a real with-it crew. I'll let HP give their names to you." "Here's E-mail and Smiley, Micro Soft and Chip, I'm HP, there's Copy, Surfin' and Blip. The big guy is Santa, the North Pole's his home, We're with him all year, we hang out in Nome." Then they take off and fly up to the roof Tap a short rap and give a "high hoof." All turn and shout, "Tonight reindeer's rule. The eight of us wish you a crazy cool Yule." Then Santa shouts, "It's true some things change. But believe in the basics." As he speeds out of range. This Story dear folks, is so out of sight. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good-Night!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2002 07:56 AM                        Rated PG A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM SANTA I'm sending this card to tell you That taxes have taken away The things that I really needed -- My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh, Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass, He's old, he's crippled, he's slow, So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas, It's cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 10:19 AM                        Rated G Christmas A Christmas Carol for Any Psychosis! Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ... Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Town (To Get Me). Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely. Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Rock, Jingle Bell... Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 11:52 AM                        Rated G Christmas SANTA IS A WOMAN Santa is a woman I'm convinced it must be true So many things he takes credit for Most men just will not do He spends his days in shopping malls Passing out candy and gum sticks He gabs with moms and kids alike And takes great party pics Santa always keeps a list And always checks it twice Why, isn't that the story Of every woman's life? Santa's into arts and crafts He's always making toys And he keeps tabs on all the neighborhood kids Knows the nice girls and boys Santa likes to decorate They say he has a flair He can do the trees all by himself Knows which ornament goes where Santa does not mind asking directions There's a lot of deliveries, you know To houses all over the universe In cities high and low Santa makes a fashion statement That few other men would copy In a fur-trimmed suit of velvet red Never wrinkled, never sloppy Yes, Santa Claus there is a Virginia And a Mary, Sue and Jane You must know all of them quite well For you are much the same Santa has to be a woman It's the only thing that's right Who else would work on holiday presents All hours of the night Copyright 2000 Laura Walton.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 03:36 PM                        Rated G Lorraine If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit And if he is chuckling and laughing away While flying around In a miniature sleigh With eight tiny reindeer To pull him along Then lets face it Your eggnog's too strong!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 03:40 PM                        RATED G Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? ANSWER: Missile toe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 03:42 PM                        Rated G 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 2002 by Bruce H.G. Calder 'Twas the night before Christmas, when outside Iraq, American soldiers prepared to attack; The U.N. inspectors had searched everywhere, To find all the weapons they knew that were there; Saddam was all nestled all snug in his bed, While Tomahawk Cruise missiles flew overhead; In my oil heated house I turned on the T.V., And saw Connie Chung introduce a live feed. And out on the sands there arose such a rumble, Republican guardsmen knew they were in trouble. Turning their turrets, tanks' gun barrels flash, Precisely converting their targets to ash. The tracers above with their orangey glow, Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But the White House press room, many journalists near, With a large entourage, all kissing his tush, I knew right away it was President Bush. More rapid than smart bombs, his cabinet came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; "Now, Powell! now, Rumsfeld!" He spoke to the nation, Rice, Ashcroft and Cheney, in an undisclosed location." "Until Saddam is gone the U.S. is undaunted," With a straight face he said, "War was not what I wanted." As his father before the young Bush guaranteed, That he'll fight night and day 'till those people are freed, So all over Baghdad, the bombers they flew, With a big load of napalm and some cluster bombs too. And then the tanks roll and with fortresses flying, They crashed the front lines, never knowing who's dying. The war had begun and all knew who would lose, So Saddam starts to shout, "Time to kill me some Jews!" And the rockets he fired to vent his frustration, Were matched by the lighting quick retaliation; Some billions of cash he had flung on his back, Thankful that he had remembered to pack. And Bush how he swaggered, his war was perfection, He knew he would certainly win re-election, Iraqis were cheering the freedom in store, Ironically hating The West a bit more; Osama responded, or one in his name, That the Great Christian Satan must bear all the blame; The suicide bombers he freely admits, Will now blow your brothers and mothers to bits. He was homely and gaunt, a pathetic old man, But I feared for the terror he surely would plan; The horror he said that would soon be revealed, Convinced me America never should yield. Bush spoke to the country promoting the war, Inferring that no one should vote for Al Gore, And saying that freedom must come from a gun, Then hopped up the stairs and got on Air Force One; He took to the skies heading off to his ranch, The head of the U.S. executive branch, I thought of the soldiers so far far away, And thanked them that I may enjoy Christmas day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 09:22 PM                        Rated G A CHRISTMAS POEM FROM THE DOG Eyeing hydrants, digging holes, Drinking from the toilet bowls . . . Playing games of "tug-o'-war," Putting scratch marks on your door . . . Rolling over, playing dead, Getting dog hair on your bed . . . Scaring folks who bring the mail, Chasing cars, as well as tail . . . Barking, begging, heeling, howling, And also, on occasion, growling . . . Romping through a field of grass, Sneezing, snoozing, passing gas . . . Sniffing everything I see, Peeing on the Christmas tree . . . Woofing, wagging, chomping, chewing . . . These are things I sure love doing! (But I'll try not to do that tree thing . . .) Happy Holidays! (Author-Unknown)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 07:56 AM                        Rated G Holiday Tips * Carrot sticks-avoid them.Anyone who puts carrots ona holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.In fact,if you see carrots,leave immediately.Go next door,where they're serving rum balls. * Drink as much eggnog as you can.Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?It's not as if you're going toturn into an egg-nogaholic or something.It's a treat.Enjoy it.Have two.It's Christmas! * If something comes with gravy,use it.That's the wholepoint of gravy. * Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. * Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps,which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food. * If you come across something really good at a buffet table,like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,position yourself near them and don't budge.Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. * Same for pies.Apple.Pumpkin.Mincemeat.Have a slice of each.When else do you get to have more than one dessert?Labor Day? * Fruitcake?Avoid it at all cost! * If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,you haven't been paying attention.Re-read tips.But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 08:05 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "WALKIN' IN A DOGGIE WONDERLAND" Dogs tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening'. It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's MY property! Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow Mommy and Daddy will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fencepost, flows my natural incense boast; "Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 08:09 AM                        Rated G :)LORRAINE HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - mind your tail when you are near the tree - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - not all strangers appreciate sloppy kisses - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm---big time! 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!! (Author Unknown)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 08:12 AM                        Rated G Lorraine 'FILL THE BOWLS' (Sung to the tune of "Deck the HALLS...") Fill our bowls with freeze-dried liver, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! Watch our noses start to quiver, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! Please add bits of cheese and bacon, Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! Happy wags our tails are makin', Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! Sniff the gifts and shred the wrapping, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! 'Round the Christmas tree go FRAPping* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! Swipe a slurp of grandma's eggnog Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! Then relax and be a bedhog Fa-la-la, Fa-la-la, la-la-la! (*FRAP = FRenzied Activity Period) HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:08 AM                        Rated PG-13 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates."In honor of the season" Saint Peter said,you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven on this holy day. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on."It represents a holy candle",he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,"They're bells" Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties."What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked. The man replied, "They're Carol's!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 12:31 PM                        RATED G SANTA CLAUS: An Engineer's Perspective (Killjoys as usual:) M.A.-Troll:) I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas nightto 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, which comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household   with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.    (That's really why it's pointless to stay up and watch for him...) Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stopsor breaks.  This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second ---3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds),the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them.  This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch) IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.  In short,they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.  Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s.  in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's.  A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would bepinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantlycrushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.   Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now  |  IP: Logged

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