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Author
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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2004 11:52 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
Twas The Night Before The Finals
Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb. Their projects were finished, completed with care In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).
The students were wired with caffeine in their veins While visions of quals nearly drove them insane. With piles of books and a brand new highlighter, I had just settled down for another all nighter ---
When out from our gateways arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter; Away to the console I flew like a flash, And logged in as root to fend off a crash.
The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3, Gave oodles of info ... some in 3-D. When, what to my burning red eyes should appear But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear!
With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm, I knew in a moment, it was Morris's Worm! More rapid than eagles his processes came, And they forked and exec'ed and they copied by name:
"Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! To the sites in .rhosts and host.equiv Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone, The complaints of the users. (Thought I was alone!) "The load is too high!" "I can't read my files!" "I can't send my mail over miles and miles!"
I unplugged the net, and was turning around, When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound. I fretted. I frittered. I sweated. I wept. Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp.
It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth, And I laughed, when I saw it, in spite of myself. A look at the dump of that invasive thread Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread.
The next day was slow with no network connections, For we wanted no more of those pesky infections. But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter, Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter.
Then later that month while all were away, A virus came calling and then went away. The system then told us, when we logged in one night: "Happy Christmas to all! (You guys aren't so bright.)"
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
~Unknown
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-15-2004 01:02 PM
Rated G
Santa Letter Generator
Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas] [Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little...... [boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have...... [not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always] [often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag].
And I always say thank you, which makes me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants] this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise].
For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister], please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo].
For my...... [doggy] [hamster] [ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non- surgical sterilization].
Oh and for my...... [baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] plus backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]!
Oh, and please don't forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell- O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love], [Sincerely], [Yours], [Breathlessly], [ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to...... [Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted] [homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile] [vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any Christmas presents. So please don't forget to put...... [coal] [sticks] [homework] [dog shit] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2004 02:36 PM
Rated G
The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate.
There were no children in his life. His wife had gone. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through.
Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up..
"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go"
"Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened the Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver jumped out. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken."
George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away. "But mister. Please help..." The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.
"Here, take my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at but she runs real good." George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office. "Glad I gave em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new..." George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.
George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered that the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, shoot, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.
As he was working he heard shots being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me." George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anything," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance." The phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that talk box out in your car."
He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain." George got up and poured a cup of coffee.
"How do you take your coffee?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city. Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time.
The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.
"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer. "Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt." The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!"
The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now." He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got."
"Now put that pee shooter away." George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry.
"I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week..."
George handed the gun to the cop.
"Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can." He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop.
"Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out." The young man had stopped crying.
He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer."
"Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said.
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.
"Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.
"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"
"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "That guy work here?," the wounded cop continued. "Yep," George said. "Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job." The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"
Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything." "Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems."
George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."
The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you."
"And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need." George reached into the box again. An airplane, a car and a truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."
The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that too," George said. "Now git home to your family."
The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."
George turned around to find that the stranger he offered coffee before, had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"
"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"
"Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby."
The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate christmas, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. - The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. - The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. - The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself. That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."
George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room. "You see, George... it's my birthday. Merry Christmas."
George fell to his knees and replied,
"Happy Birthday, Lord."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2004 04:18 PM
Rated PG
What's Your Cat Doing for Christmas?
This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws." The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree. So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of what the humans call "ornaments." We call them "cat toys." Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it, considering all the trees they've decorated.
Every year humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans "ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities.
The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas season, leaving us to play with our tree. Tonight is a challenge, the ornaments are at an all-time high. We crept under the tree and began to scale branches. This is great! A tree in our own home, why don't they do this year-round?
Five, six, seven branches, we climb like a pro. Ten, twelve, we are halfway to the top, and there is the first ornament! This is easy as Cat-mas fruitcake. We make our way down the branch approaching the first ornament. It lightly jiggles as our weight causes the bough to bend. Almost there! One paw away and we feel a shudder. Hey, something is not right here, we begin to lose our balance. The room is tilting! No, the room is not tilting.... the Cat-mas tree is falling! ME-OW!!
It seemed like forever as the tree leaned, then pitched, and finally crashed to the floor in a resounding bang of exploding bulbs, ornaments, and broken limbs. We quickly extricated ourselves from the splintered tree just as the Big Owner came bursting in snapping on the lights and talking excitedly.
There we were, sitting next to the tree, as innocent a look on our faces as any other in the household. "What happened?" he growled. Not a peep from us, we turned and looked at the tree.
"I guess we hung too many ornaments on one side of the tree," we heard him say later as he hoisted the mangled Cat-mas tree back into place. "Goo-ood answer," we thought.
The Big Owner staggered off to bed, and we retreated to the living room. Maybe we'll tear down those stockings that were hung by the chimney "with care". It was a good day....
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-22-2004 11:58 AM
Rated PG
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia - I Don't Know If I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angles Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and Houses and Lawns and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Cats and Dogs and Reindeer
and...
6. Paranoid - Santa Clause is Coming To Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out,I'm Gonna Cry,I'm Gonna Pout,Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells
10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day but wouldn't leave my house
11. Autistic - Jingle Bell Rock,Rock,Rock,Rock
12. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland,Miles from My House in my Slippers and Robe
13. Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-22-2004 12:22 PM
Rated G
The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version*
1 - 12: For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me: Tell them it's a feature, Say it's not supported, Change the documentation, Blame it on the hardware, Find a way around it, Say they need an upgrade. Reinstall the software, Ask for a dump, Run with the debugger, Try to reproduce it, Ask them how they did it, and See if they can do it again.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-09-2005 10:59 AM
Rated G Anonymous Author
Did Mom Say That?
These are the top 25 things my Mother taught me!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
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