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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 09:53 AM                        Rated PG No Nativity Scene In Washington D.C This Year The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:27 AM                        Rated PG B.B. The Top Ten Reasons Halloween Is Such A Strange Holiday: It's the only day of the year on which... 10...you can cross dress without having to come out of the closet. 9...Americans actually consume small bits of this colored, waxy substance commonly known after flavoring as "candy corn." 8...wearing a white sheet is politically correct. 7...extortion is legal under the pretense of "Trick or Treat." ("Gimme all your candy or I'll toilet paper your house!" You see, this is how protection rackets get started. One day it's Tootsie Rolls, the next it's unmarked, non-sequential twenty-dollar bills!) 6...children can play with knives and matches. (...and you wondered why the kids got so excited about carving and lighting Jack-O-Lanterns.) 5...the fashion police takes a day off. 4...after 364 days of spending billions of dollars to look beautiful, America spends another million to sport warts, long noses, the pale and deathly complexion of a corpse, and teeth only an orthodontist could love. 3...no one is on a diet! 2...you can wear a mask and go from house to house collecting loot in a pillow case - without spending time serving time. 1..People celebrate the holiday (which is short for "holy day") of "All Hallows Evening" (an ancient rite of moral purification before "All Saints Day") by dressing up as devils, witches, and other morally challenged characters. What's up with that?!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:33 AM                        Rated G HALLOWEEN ODDS AND ENDS "Hallow" is an old word meaning holy, whilst "e'en" is Scottish for evening. It is an old Halloween tradition for females to peel an apple in front of a candlelit mirror. If an unbroken rind is achieved then the image of the future spouse is supposed to appear in the mirror. In days gone by, people feared the coming of Halloween. They believed that the spirits who walked the earth on this day were capable of possessing their bodies. To discourage them, they darkened their houses to make them appear as cold and unwelcome as possible. Donning all manner of frightening dress they rowdily took to the streets in an attempt to scare the spirits off. The history of "Trick'O'Treating" can be traced back to the early celebrations of All Soul's Day in Britain. The poor would go begging and the housewives would give them special treats called "soulcakes". This was called "going a-souling", and the "soulers" would promise to say a prayer for the dead. Over time the custom changed and the towns children became the beggars. As they went from house to house they would be given apples, buns, and money. During the Pioneer days of the American West, the housewives would give the children candy to keep from being tricked. The children would shout "Trick or Treat! "Trick or Treat" originated in Britain where it was first known as Mischief Night. The ancient Celtic fire festival called "Samhain" (pronounced sow- in) is the origin of modern Halloween. This festival was the feast of the dead in Pagan and Christian times, marking the close of harvest and the initiation of the winter season. In Mexico Halloween is known as Los Dias de los Muertos (the day of the dead). However, it isn't a time of sadness but one of great rejoicing. At this time of year the Monarch Butterflies, which have summered up north in the United States and Canada, return to Mexico. They are believed to bear the spirits of the dearly departed and are warmly welcomed home. Black cats are a symbol of Halloween because it was once believed that souls could travel back into the world of the living in the body of an animal - usually a black cat. The name witch comes from the Saxon term wica, meaning wise one. In Ireland, wealthy landlords used to distribute gifts of food to their poorer tenants at Halloween. When the potato crop failed the Irish who moved to America in droves are thought to have introduced Halloween traditions to their new homeland. Halloween is believed by some to be the time when the dead and other demonic creatures rise to walk the earth once more. Long long ago bonfires were lit to scare off the supernatural creatures that struck fear into superstitious hearts. If a candle flame turns blue, it means a ghost is in the house.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:38 AM                        Rated G B.B. Costume Party Tom, Dick and Harry were invited to a Fancy Halloween Costume Party. They arrived at the party with Tom wearing false ears and eyebrows. "What have you come as?" asked the host. "Mr. Spock," replied Tom. Dick was wearing black boots, black trousers and a red jumper. "And what did you come as?" asked the host. "Scotty," replied Dick. Harry was dressed as a tree. "And what have you come as?" asked the host. "The captain's log," was the reply.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 10:02 AM                        Rated G Michele A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress. At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 09:04 AM                        Rated G The missus always attaches a lot of religion to our Thanksgiving celebration. At least that's what I've always thought her intent was -- I mean... with all those burnt offerings and all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2004 01:11 PM                        Rated PG Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day."SinceValentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me forgiving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says,"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine,he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,he'd love everyone a lot.And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride."Melissa,that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:38 AM                        Rated G JerseyT Top Ten Thanksgiving Turkey Pickup Lines 10. "Are those breasts real?" 9. "Wanna go back to my place and get sauced?" 8. "Have you lost weight or did they just start carving you already?" 7. "Fancy a pluck?" 6. "I did my share of flocking around when I was younger, but now it's time to settle down, not lose my head, and find a hen who wants me for more than my p*cker." 5. "It takes me four and a half hours to really get cookin'.'" 4. "Aren't you tired of being cooped up here?" 3. "Hey baby, wanna help me get the juice out of my baster?" 2. "PLEEEAAASSSEEE!! I'm honestly gonna die Thursday!" And the number one turkey pick up line is !! 1. "Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?"[/b]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2004 08:43 PM                        Rated G Setting the table for Thanksgiving dinner, our kids weren’t sure where to place some of the special dishes. After moving one dish, they noticed that juice from the cranberry sauce had spilled, leaving a large red stain on the tablecloth. "Well," quipped ten- year-old Frances, "at least now we’ll know where to put the cranberry sauce next year."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 11:39 AM                        Rated PG First Christmas Joke of 2004 Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.He flicked it on."It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2004 03:11 PM                        Rated PG An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She prompty reacged into her bag and sprayed the air with Avon pine scented deorderizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.He began to sniff. The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do," he replied. "What does it smell like? "she asked. The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree". Merry Christmas!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 02:19 PM                        Rated G Michele THE TWELVE PAINS OF CHRISTMAS The first thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Is finding a Christmas tree. The second thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The third thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The fourth thing at Christmas, That's such a pain to me: Sending Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The fifth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Five month of bills! Sending Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up the lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The sixth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Oh, I hate those Christmas cards. Hangovers. Rigging up these lights. And finding a Christmas tree. The seventh thing a Christmas, that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army. Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills! Sending Christmas cards. Ohhh geeez. I'm tryin to rig up these lights! And finding a Christmas tree. The eighth thing at Christmas, that's such a pain to me: I want a transformer for Christmas. Charities, and what do you mean YOUR in-laws?! Five months of bills. Ughh, makin' up these cards. oh, Edith get me a beer huh? What we have no extension cords?! And finding a Christmas tree. The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Finding parking spaces, Daddy, I want some candy! Donations! Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Writing out those Christmas cards. Hangovers. Now why the hell are they blinking?! And finding a Christmas tree. The tenth thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Batteries not included. No parking spaces. Buy me something! Get a job you bum! Facing my in-laws. Five months of bills. Yo-ho sending Christmas cards. Oh-geez look at this. One light goes out, they all go out! And finding a Christmas tree. The eleventh thing at Christmas That's such a pain to me: Stale T.V. specials. Batteries not included. No parking spaces Mom, I gotta go bathroom! Charities! She's a witch, I hate her. Five months of bills. Oh, I don't even know half these people! Oh, who has the toilet paper, huh? Turn on a flashlight, I blew a fuse! And finding a Christmas tree. The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Singing Christmas carols. Stale T.V. specials. Batteries not included. No parking! *Crying* Charities. Gotta make 'em dinner. Five months of bills. I'm not sending 'em this year, that's it! Shut up, you! Fine, you're so smart! You rig up the lights! And finding a Christmas tree.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:34 AM                        Rated G Twelve Days of Fast Food On the first day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the second day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the third day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fourth day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the fifth day of Christmas, my drive through gave to me: Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the sixth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the seventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eighth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the ninth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the tenth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the eleventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese. On the twelfth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Twelve bags of Pepto, Eleven pounds of blubber, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:41 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Away With This Holiday Spirit! Merry Christmas? I Don't Want To Hear It! You Buy Gifts Till Your Broke; What You Get Back's A Joke. I Don't So Much Hate It As Fear It!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:29 AM                        Rated PG Uncle Bubba The Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines 1. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly." 2. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge." 3. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on." 4. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!" 5. "Buy you a Zima?" 6. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you." 7. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers." 8. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!" 9. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!" 10. "I've got an elf in my pants!"  |  IP: Logged

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