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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:57 PM                        Rated G Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend! What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck. Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite... How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray... What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak. What do they teach in witching school? Spelling. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker! Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they don't have any body to go out with... What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer... What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? Fasten your sheet belts... Why was there no food left after the monster's party? Because everybody was a-goblin! Why was the little ghost crying? Because he had a BOO-BOO! What's a Vampire's favorite fruit? NECKtarine! What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? A Hoblin Goblin! Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts! Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift? Because he is too hard to unwrap! What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid! What is a Mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap! What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. What are a ghost's favorite kind of streets? Dead ends. What happens when two vampires meet? It is love at first bite! What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and Deady. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? Sour-puss. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire? It's a pain in the neck. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? They suck!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:19 AM                        Rated G My parents took great pride in creating wonderful Halloween costumes for my brother and me. One year they made us cloth- covered wire-frame pumpkin suits. As our family size increased, there was less time for creativity and the pumpkin suits were recycled for a number of years. Finally my brother and I refused to go out as pumpkins one more time. My mother grabbed two green garbage bags, cut the appropriate holes and pulled them on over the wire frames. "There," she said. "Now you're squash."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:24 AM                        Rated Halloween is when people try to frighten you into giving them goodies. In some ways it's a lot like government.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:26 AM                        Rated G As we went from door to door on Halloween night, people always commented on my three sons’ costumes. "You’re the Black Knight," they said to ten-year-old Tom, wearing his chain mail, sword and breastplate; "And you’re Dracula," to my youngest son, five-year- old Chris; and to my middle son, Nathan, dressed in his toga and vine-leaf wreath, they said, "You must be Caesar." "No," he corrected, "I’m Zeus." After this happened a number of times, Chris said, "People think Nathan’s a salad cause you made him wear those leaves on his head."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:28 AM                        Rated G My sister decided to have a Halloween makeup booth at the local mall, but couldn't think of a catchy name for it. However, when the day arrived and I was helping her to set up, she handed me a bowl of candy kisses and a banner that read: KISS AND MAKE UP.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:44 AM                        Rated G I dressed my three-year-old, Allison, as a clown one Halloween and took her trick or treating to my friend Lucy's house. She wasn't home, so her boyfriend said he'd take a photograph of Allison to show her. He had trouble finding the camera, and when he finally did, he mentioned that Lucy was always hiding things. I joked that the difference between men and women is that men call it hiding while women call it putting away. "I found it," he smiled, "in the bathroom sink."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:45 AM                        Rated G BE CAREFUL HOW YOU DRESS... It is said that to meet a witch you have to put your clothes on wrong side out and you have to walk backwards on Halloween night. Then at midnight you will see a witch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:49 AM                        Rated G Halloween is a big event in the neighborhood we had moved to...decorations, haunted houses, and several homeowners even dressed up in costumes. One woman who answered the door to my children was in a gaudy dress, garish makeup and a wild hairdo. We commented on her costume while the kids received their candy. A month later I bumped into the same lady at the grocery store. Imagine my embarrassment when it registered-she hadn't changed a bit!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 08:19 AM                        Rated G The 12 Days of Halloween... On the twelfth day of Halloween, My good friend gave to me, Twelve cauldrons bubbling, Eleven bats a swooping, Ten goblins gobbling, Nine wizards whizzing, Eight brooms a flying, Seven spiders creeping, Six owls a screeching, Five cooked worms, Four giggling ghosts, three fat toads, Two hissing cats, And a vulture in a dead tree.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:26 AM                        Rated G Trick or Treating by Your Sign (Did you follow your sign? LOL) Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or- treaters. Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G Christmas is for the young. But it is adults who create the excitement that children so enjoy. Just as we pass along traditions from generation to generation, could there be a sweeter gift than making Christmas as vivid for a child as someone one made it for you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 10:20 AM                        Rated G Top Ten Thanksgiving Turkey Pickup Lines 10. "Are those breasts real?" 9. "Wanna go back to my place and get sauced?" 8. "Have you lost weight or did they just start carving you already?" 7. "Fancy a pluck?" 6. "I did my share of flocking around when I was younger, but now it's time to settle down, not lose my head, and find a hen who wants me for more than my pecker." 5. "It takes me four and a half hours to really get cookin'.'" 4. "Aren't you tired of being cooped up here?" 3. "Hey baby, wanna help me get the juice out of my baster?" 2. "PLEEEAAASSSEEE!! I'm honestly gonna die Thursday!" And the number one turkey pick up line is !! 1. "Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:11 PM                        Rated GT Thanksgiving Night in Biblecal Times! 7. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house. 6. Young Israelite boys with slingshots shooting at the giant inflatable Caesar balloons which highlight every Phatama's Thanksgiving day parade (Phatama, a holiday tradition for 60 years). 5. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel (would you like the hump or a leg?). 4. No meal would be complete without an appetizer tray consisting of kumquat dip, those little round sausages that everybody likes but don't know what they're called, and Kentucky fried dove. 3. Ahkmed seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years. 2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV. 1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem manufacturers' marketplace the next day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:15 PM                        Rated G B.B. "The Top 14 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies" 14.To Kill A Walking Bird 13.My Best Friend's Dressing 12.The Texas Coleslaw Massacre 11.Casserolablanca 10.The Fabulous Baster Boys 9.Twelve Hungry Men 8.Silence of the Yams 7.For Love of The Game Hen 6.I Know What You Ate Last Winter 5.All the President's Menu 4.White Meat Can't Jump 3.When Harry Met Salad 2.The Story of U.S. 1.The Wing and I  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:17 PM                        Rated PG Quirk "Sesame Street Workshop laid off sixty workers. News of the firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U."  |  IP: Logged

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