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Author
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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2005 09:51 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) B.B.
"Leroy The Redneck Reindeer"
Well, you've all heard about Rudolph and his nose, But I'll tell you a Christmas tale that never has been told. Well, you may think you've heard it all but you ain't heard yet. About that crazy Christmas that the North pole can't forget.
Rudolph was under the weather, he had to call in sick. So he got on the horn to his cousin Leroy, who lived out in the sticks. He said: "Santa's really counting on me and I hate to pass the buck."
Leroy said "Hey I'm on my way," and he jumped in his pick-up truck. When Leroy got to the North Pole all the reindeer snickered and laughed. They'd never seen a deer in overalls and a John Deere Tractor hat.
But Santa stepped in and said: "Just calm down cause we've all got a job to do. "And like it or not, Leroy's in charge, and he's gonna be leading you."
And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer, Hooked to the front of the sleigh. Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way. He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky. He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.
Before that night was over, Leroy had changed their tune. He had them scootin' a hoof on every single roof, by the light of a neon moon. Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie flag, he was having the time of his life. And you can hear him call Merry Christmas y'all, and to all of y'all a good night.
And it was Leroy, the red neck reindeer, Hooked to the front of the sleigh. Delivering toys to all the good ole boys and girls along the way. He's just a down home party animal, two-stepping across the sky. He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night. He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell, and made history that night.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-11-2005 08:08 PM
Rated G
"A Microsoft Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care, In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To the jolly ole fat man at santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.
From where Bill has his mansion, the old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - WOW!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
~Unknown~
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-11-2005 08:30 PM
Rated G
A holiday giggle..................
Subject: That's life
There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened; it
read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-12-2005 07:08 AM
Rated G Sandy in Coronado
And a Merry Christmas to you!
I wish to express my thanks to all those who forwarded such informative e-mails, for instance, the one about rats in the glue on envelopes because Inow have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. You have made me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore,and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of blood.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if Iforward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!
MAKE SOMEONE SMILE
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2005 09:38 AM
Rated G
Here is the permission we've all been waiting for......
Holiday eating tips
1.__ Avoid carrot sticks___. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2005 10:52 AM
Rated G
I'm not sure of the authenticity of this, but it is interesting nevertheless.... Happy Holidays
The History of The 12 Days Of Christmas
There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?
From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and NewTestaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit-Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit - Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
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