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Author Topic: Holiday 's Dick Vaughan Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1032 From: Bradford, West Yorkshire, UK Registered: Jul 2000 posted 01-04-2006 09:15 AM                        A little Christmas cheer for all From the Australian Bureau of Statistics * 31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. * 19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. * Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents. * 101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. * 18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. * A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. Only down under! * 5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars. * 3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue. * 142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. * 58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. and finally: * 8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 09:47 AM                        Rated G Quirk Valentine's Day "I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 11:37 AM                        Rated PG Something Different in Valentine Sentiments 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk. But the thing I like best is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless one day you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd become my whore. 7. This feels so good; it feels so right. I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style; You're a woman of class, 'Specially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished. But now it's fulfilled, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH! 4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie. I just wish you had J-Lo's "booty." 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny. So, right to the point, let's do it. I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one I gave to your sister.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:03 AM                        Rated G B.B. Some Valentine Traditions In Wales wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts on February 14th. Hearts, keys and keyholes were favorite decorations on the spoons. The decoration meant,"You unlock my heart!" Love knots have series of winding and interlacing loops with no beginning and no end. A symbol of everlasting love, love knots were made from ribbon or drawn on paper. In some countries, a young woman may receive a gift of clothing from a young man. If she keeps the gift, it means she will marry him. Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire. A love seat is a wide chair. It was first made to seat one woman and her wide dress. Later, the love seat or courting seat had two sections, often in an S-shape. In this way, a couple could sit together -- but not too closely! Think of some names of guys/gals you might marry, As you twist the stem of an apple, recite the names until the stem comes off. You will marry the person whose name you were saying when the stem fell off. Pick a dandelion that has gone to seed. Take a deep breath and blow the seeds into the wind. Count the seeds that remain on the stem. That is the number of children you will have.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:04 PM                        Rted G B.B. Valentine Jokes What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!" What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!" Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts! What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny! What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend? "Be my valenstein!" What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants! Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:05 PM                        Rated G B.B. Cupid Cupid is one of the most famous of all Valentine's Day symbols. Cupid is the Roman God of Love. The word cupid derives from the Latin word 'cupido', which means desire. In Greek mythology he is known as Eros (from where the word erotic originated). According to legend, cupid's arrows come in two varieties: the Golden Arrow, which generally represents true love, and the Leaden Arrow, which represents sensual passion. He is also known to sometimes carry a torch, with which he inflames desire.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2006 01:17 PM                        Rated G Mothers Day Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY wanted for Mother's Day 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash). 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt. 5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!" 1. Four words:Fisher Price Play Prison!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2006 01:18 PM                        Rated R Suzzi Q: Why do men masturbate? A: It's sex with someone they love. Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:19 AM                        Rated G Valentines Day What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day! What did the Valentines card say to the stamp? Stick with me and we'll go places! Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche! Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because spleens would look pretty gross! What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:24 AM                        Rated G Lulu A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her. She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex- husbands." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes m'am, they do, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" exclaimed the woman. "Yes m'am. They're called darts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 11:35 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his "monster" seemed to be lacking a certain "je ne sais quoi" in his life. He and Mrs. Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and the Missus suddenly had a bright idea. "Maybe he needs a mate." "Good idea, my dear," said the doctor. "Let's create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine's Day." So, they worked day and night and finally got the lady "monster" ready in time to "wake her up" on Valentine's Day. The original creation was there beside Dr. and Mrs., just jumping from one foot to another in eager anticipation of the solution to this cravings. As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, "Look! She about to speak!" The new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice: "Oooooo ---oo! Head----ache!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 08:43 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men: STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead. STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil." STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. STEP FOUR: Jewellery. A bit pricier, especially if you did not bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminium, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal. STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep. STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries. STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:37 AM                        Rated G What men don't get...Valentine's day is a test. Women have been studying for years. We even have study groups. Hint! HinT Men should study. . . 1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her friends got flowers at work...did she look wishful? 2. She is watching TV...a jewelry ad comes on...did she look wishful--did she say she liked whatever they were selling? 3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention something she liked? Did you actually show interest to see what it was? 4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards? Does she get teary- eyed at Hallmark commercials? The majority of women will give you the answers to the test if you study. Hint: Pay attention! But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take the make-up test!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 10:14 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Excuses Why Men Forget Valentine's Day * The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move? * I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it. * The Hallmark Store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best. * I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again! * I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner. Where were you? * I didn't know you liked jewelry. * I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy Day. * Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre. * I thought we would do something different this year. * I thought it would mean I was making a commitment. * You didn't remind me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 10:16 AM                        Rated G B.B. Vegetarian Valentine Cabbage always has a heart; Green beans string along. You're such a cute tomato, Will you peas to me belong? You've been the apple of my eye, You know how much I care So lettuce get together, We'd make a perfect pear. Now, something's sure to turnip To prove you can't be beet; So, if you carrot all for me Let's let our tulips meet. Don't squash my hopes and dreams now, Bee my honey, dear; Or tears will fill potato's eyes, While sweet corn lends an ear. I'll cauliflower shop and say, Your dreams are parsley mine. I'll work and share my celery, So be my Valentine.  |  IP: Logged

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