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Author
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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2005 01:05 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Chris
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-22-2005 06:33 AM
Rated R
A Christmas story....... This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
Christmas With Linda
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.. I settled for 'Lovable Lisa'. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Lisa a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Linda came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Lisa's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Lisa should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Lisa the moment she walked in the door. "What the heck is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Linda. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Lisa made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Linda's collapse. We discovered that Lisa had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2005 03:38 PM
Rated G B.B.
Recipe for a Happy New Year
Take 12 fine, full-grown months; see that these are thoroughly cleansed from all old memories of bitterness, hate, and jealousy.
Cut these months into 30 or 31 equal parts. (This batch will keep for one year. Do not attempt to make more than one batch at a time-many people spoil the entire lot in this way.)
Prepare one day at a time as follows:
Into each day, put 12 parts of faith, 11 of patience, 10 of courage, nine of work (some people omit this ingredient and spoil the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of open-mindedness, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like leaving the oil out of the salad-don't do it ), three of prayer, two of meditation, and one of well-selected resolution.
If you have no conscientious scruples, add a teaspoonful of good spirits, a dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping cupful of good humor.
Pour love liberally into the whole, and mix with strength. Cook thoroughly in a warming heat. Garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness...and a Happy New Year is a certainty.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2005 03:48 PM
Rated G B.B.
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, While upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's. To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall, Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "Enjoy what you got. . . you'll be paying all year!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-29-2005 04:07 PM
Rated G
New Year's Resolutions for the Web Surfer
This year, I'm going to read EVERY email I get... unless it has an attached file called virus.exe
This year,I'm going to surf only serious, educational web sites... unless I find more really cool, fun, or inspirational stuff
This year, I'm going install and use every Software program I buy...unless I can't find the box later, or can't figure out the instructions
This year I'm going to resolve every ERROR message on my PC... unless I can't find a 12-year-old to help me
This year I'm going to buy only one new toy for my PC... unless there's a really great sale, or something new I don't have
This year I'm going to spend more time with family and friends... unless they cancel their internet access or get rid of their PC
This year I'm going to say only nice words to my PC... unless it won't do exactly what I want
This year I'm going to spend more time outside, enjoying nature... unless it's too wet, too hot, too cold, or I'm having fun surfing
This year I'm going to backup all my important files... which means of course, I'll need a new PC with a CD-ROM writer and a , and a , and a ...
This year I'm going to send all the fun web pages I find, "like this one", to all my email friends!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2006 07:13 AM
Rated G B.B.
It was the day after New Year and I lay in my bed
with a herd of pink elephants standing on my head.
I remembered the party, the host of good cheer,
I remembered the opening of a large keg of beer.
There was dancing and singing...some snacks passed my way,
but long before midnight the room started to sway.
I thought I heard bells, and a rousing good cheer
of wishes that I'd have a Happy New Year!
After that things grew foggy, till I woke up in bed,
with such a large headache that I wished I was dead.
Next year will be different, no party for me!
Just a soft drink, some popcorn, and Dick Clark on TV!
Yes, I learned my lesson when I woke up today...
if you party too hardy you're going to pay!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2006 07:14 AM
Rated G B.B.
This New Year, I am giving you a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT, to help thru 2006:
Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.
Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.
Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.
Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.
Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day Wishing you 365 days of love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, warm feelings in your heart and soaring with the eagles.
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