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Author
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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-06-2006 06:58 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!* Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2006 08:07 AM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings, who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs,
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging,
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks Grandpa, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Say's "What's takin' so long? aren't you through in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
and screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, SHOOT, it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2006 08:13 AM
Rated G THANKSGIVING WEATHER
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-22-2006 08:59 PM
Rated G Ms. Martha
A young man named Bill received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Bill tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Nothing seemed to help.
Finally, Bill was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. Bill shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
Bill, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bill quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and offensive actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I canto correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Bill was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was aboutto ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-23-2006 09:35 AM
Rated G B.B.
Five Little Turkeys
5 little turkeys standing by door, One waddled off, and then there were 4.
4 little turkeys under a tree, One waddled off , and then there were 3.
3 little turkeys with nothing to do, One waddled off, and then there were 2.
2 little turkeys in the noon day sun, One waddled off, and then there was 1.
One little turkey better run away, For soon will come Thanksgiving day.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-23-2006 09:45 AM
Rated G B.B.
A Thanksgiving Prayer
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings each morning, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes tightly closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you Lord, that I can see. There are many who are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off the effort of rising, thank you, Lord that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, and tempers are short, thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord for the food we have. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord, for the gift of life.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-24-2006 08:21 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
==========================
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas when the Three Wise Men:Gaspar,Balthazar and Herb
went to see the baby Jesus; and according to the Book of
Matthew,"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact.
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo,the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And
the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
And Joseph was going to throweth it away,but Mary saideth unto
him, she saideth,'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it
for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point
of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it
off. This is not just my opinion; this is a scientific fact
based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at
Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like
enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift thesize of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a pieceof wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, butwhen I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,the
lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of
mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.
If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on
how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it
with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a
mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.
They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
~(c) by Dave Barry~
Don't forget to laugh during this Christmas season,
and to my knowledge one of the wise men was not named Herb.
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Lorraine
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