my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Holiday 's (Page 13)

This topic comprises 27 pages: 1  2  3  ...  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  ...  25  26  27

Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:28 PM                        Rated G Halloween night the lil boy knocks on the door. When the lady answers the door, the boy says '' Bick or beat. The lady exclaims...You mean Trick or treat?? The boy say's mmmm- hmmmm Well you sure are a cute lil thing, what are you suppose to be?? The boy tells her....A Birate!! You mean a Pirate??? mmmmm-hmmmmm Well if your a pirate , where are your buccaneers? On my Buckin head you buckin bitch!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 02:01 PM                        Rated G JerseyT Why Pumpkins are better than Men: 1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from. 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile. 3. One usually makes a better pie. 4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you! 5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face. 6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out. 7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with. 8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 03:56 PM                        Rated G So, this skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ man was walking home alone one night when he hears a "BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... "BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ...BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough-drops at the coffin ... ...and...of...course, ...the coffin stops!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-29-2003 06:17 PM                        Things you can say only at THANKSGIVING and get away with: 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10. Don't play with your meat. 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2003 08:27 PM                        Rated G TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX 10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again. 8. The uglier you look; the more likely you'll get some. 7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy. 6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else. 5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months. 4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you'renkinky. 3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week. The #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex.. . 1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!!!  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 11-25-2003 02:04 PM                     How to Cook a Turkey Step 1: Go Buy a Turkey Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 11-25-2003 02:10 PM                     Instructions for "Doing It" He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide....he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms............ And then he stuffed the turkey.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:07 PM                        Rated G B.B. THANKSGIVING GROANERS What did the Momma Turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!" Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up? Because they wear their belts on their hats! What's a turkey's favorite black tie event? The Butter Ball. What does a turkey use to drink wine? A gobble-let. How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes around five hours.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOWABOUT TURKEYS BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK. * Domesticated turkey hens are artificially inseminated.They lay 80 - 100 eggs during a 25 week laying cycle,and each egg takes 28 days to hatch. * Turkey eggs are tan with brown specks. * Domesticated turkeys have been bred to have white feathers so there are no unsightly pigment spots under the skin when they are plucked. * The average turkey has 3,500 feathers at maturity. * The Caruncle is the red/pink fleshy growth on the head and upper neck of the turkey. * The Snood is the long, red fleshy growth from the base of the beak that hangs down over the neck. * The Wattle is the bright red appendage at the neck. * The beard is a black lock of hair found on the chest of the male turkey. * Only tom turkeys gobble, hen turkeys make a clicking noise. * Domesticated turkeys cannot fly. * Wild turkeys can fly for short distances for up to 55 miles per hour,and run at 20 miles per hour. * The pet food industry uses about 13% of U.S. turkey production.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:14 PM                        Rated G Frank Thanksgiving Day When you sit down, on this Thanksgiving Day, before you eat, and the blessing you say, Stop and think of, what you're thankful for, search your heart, deep down to it's core. Thanksgiving says, exactly what is meant, giving thanks to God, for what to you He has sent. For me it means, The friends I have who care, and the wonderful times, that we all share. The love of my family, to which I hold fast, The happy memories, of those who have past. I don't have money, or monetary wealth, But I am blessed with more, my good health. As long as I am breathing, and still living, for that I'll always be, still thanks giving. There are many people, much worse off than I, who really don't care, if they live or die. When you die, you're a long time dead, There's no tomorrow, to try to get ahead. So when you sit down, and the blessing you say, include being alive, on this Thanksgiving Day. Frank J. Hornsby To all the people through out the world, and especially to the friends, past, present and future here at film-tech.......... Have Very Happy and safe Thanksgiving.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:31 PM                        Rated G B.B. THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER 1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen,toss it all in the blender,and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say,"I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more 3. Bring along old recorded football games,pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game.When he comes into the room,turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:41 PM                        Rated G Turkey Factoids: The Caruncle is the red/pink fleshy growth on the head and upper neck of the turkey.The Snood is the long,red fleshy growth from the base of the beak that hangs down over the neck. The Wattle is the bright red appendage at the neck. The Beard is a black lock of hair found on the chest of the male turkey. Only male turkeys gobble.Whether they spit or swallow is something that has yet to be researched apparently.  |  IP: Logged Floyd Justin Newton Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 559 From: Phoenix, Arizona, USA Registered: Jun 2002 posted 11-27-2003 07:08 AM                     everyone...and I do mean EVERYONE>>> have a very happy and fulfilling thanksgiving . fjn  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh yeah?" young April replied,"so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Timmy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." =========================== The Turkey wrote... I have never understood why anyone would roast the turkey and shuck the clams and crisp the croutons and shell the peas and candy the sweets and compote the cranberries and bake the pies and clear the table and wash the dishes and fall into bed exhausted when they could just as easily sit back and enjoy a hamburger or a pork sandwich." ~ The Turkey  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 27 pages: 1  2  3  ...  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  ...  25  26  27

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.