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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2003 07:55 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On: - Oy to the World - Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland - Hava Negilah - The Megamix - Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer - Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez! - Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People) - I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version) - Come on Baby, Light My Menorah - Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos - Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES 10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino. 8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them. 7. Use as railroad ties. 6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins. 4. Use instead of cement shoes. 3. Save for next summer's garage sale. 2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 1. Two words--pin cushion.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G WONDER for YOUR DAY: If Santa Claus had a father, would he have been the Grandfather Claus?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 04:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine SOME NEW YEAR'S WISHES FOR 2004 During the year may you have: Enough happiness to keep you sweet. Enough trials to keep you strong. Enough sorrow to keep you human. Enough hope to keep you happy. Enough failure to keep you humble. Enough success to keep you eager. Enough friends to give you comfort. Enough wealth to meet your needs. Enough enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow. Enough determination to make each day better than the day before.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:37 AM                        Rated G B.B. Well, I broke my first resolution --"Don't break all your resolutions." ~ Maxine "If you are very, very, quiet, you can hear the resolutions breaking all over the world." ~ Maxine  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 08:30 AM                        Rated G Valeintines Day A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud,"I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'category, but they're in Sporting Goods." "Really?" "Yes sir. They're called darts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 06:50 AM                        Rated G Valentines Day Let’s face it someone messed up with this valentine’s cupid guy. When I think about being romantic, the last thing I think of is some guy shooting me in the butt with a tiny arrow.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 06:51 AM                        Rated Valentines Day - Michele  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 06:52 AM                        Rated Valentines Day - Michele Before the introduction of chocolates, young men gave their loves heart-shaped boxes filled with cocktail onions. Eventually the onions were dipped in chocolate. Soon after that onions were dropped altogether.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 06:59 AM                        Rated G "Is everybody getting ready for Valentine's Day? I understand Kobe Bryant is planning a romantic getaway. He's already booked a hotel room. Although I don't know what his wife's plans are." -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 02:50 PM                        Rated G Mothers Day Mother's Day Trivia The youngest mother whose history is authenticated is Lina Medina, who delivered a 6½-pound boy by cesarean section in Lima, Peru in 1939, at an age of 5 years and 7 months. The child was raised as her brother and only discovered that Lina was his mother when he was 10. On April 9, 2003, Satyabhama Mahapatra, a 65-year-old retired schoolteacher in India, became the world's oldest mother when she gave birth to a baby boy. Satyabhama and her husband had been married 50 years, but this is their first child. The baby was conceived through artificial insemination using eggs from the woman's 26-year-old niece, and the sperm of the niece's husband. Bobbie McCaughey is the mother who holds the record for the most surviving children from a single birth. She gave birth to the first set of surviving septuplets - four boys and three girls -on November 19, 1997, at the University Hospital, Iowa. Conceived by in vitro fertilization, the babies were delivered after 31 weeks by caesarean in the space of 16 minutes. Jayne Bleackley is the mother who holds the record for the shortest interval between two children born in separate confinements. She gave birth to Joseph Robert on September 3, 1999, and Annie Jessica Joyce on March 30, 2000. The babies were born 208 days apart. Elizabeth Ann Buttle is the mother who holds the record for the longest interval between the birth of two children. She gave birth to Belinda on May 19,1956 and Joseph on November 20, 1997. The babies were born 41 years 185 days apart. The mother was 60 years old when her son Joseph was born. The highest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69, to the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782) of Shuya, Russia. Between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 confinements, she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. 67 of them survived infancy. The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Leontina claims to be the mother of 64 children, of which only 55 of them are documented. She is listed in the 1999 Guinness World Records but dropped from later editions. And you thought your two kids at home were a challenge.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 12:07 PM                        Rated G "What are you going to be for Halloween this year?" Rob asked his ten-year-old son, Matt. The boy replied, "I'm thinking of going as Bill" Rob said. Bill who? Bill Gates?" Matt shook his head and replied, "No I'm going to be original and go as one of the bills you always complain about,like the electric bill."  |  IP: Logged Paul Mayer Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under! Posts: 3836 From: Albuquerque, NM Registered: Feb 2000 posted 10-11-2004 12:24 PM                        Rated G - Dave Huskinson Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...But Aren't 10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag... OH! You're having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch. 5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth. 2. You scared me stiff! 1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 11:57 AM                        Rated PG B.B. COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES Grunge look makes it tough to tell the living from the dead. NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like poop. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!" After 100 year of trying,still can't score with Elvira. No warm blood for miles around Washington D.C. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 12:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Things NOT to do for Halloween" # 10 Don't let your spouse pick your costume! # 9 Don't wait until the 29th to buy candy! # 8 Don't buy granola bars instead of candy! # 7 Don't fashion your jack-o-lantern in the image of your Mother- in-law! # 6 Don't let your kids eat ALL the candy at once . . .unless you have rubber wallpaper! # 5 Don't let your teenage daughter's "boyfriend" pick HER costume! # 4 Don't open an email titled "Trick or Treat"! # 3 Don't let your sister "sort" the candy! # 2 Don't give out soap instead of candy! # 1 Don't tell your wife the WITCH costume is perfect for her!  |  IP: Logged

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