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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-27-2003 07:34 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A History of Thanksgiving
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there.Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner,giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize,and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving
dinner,as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the
"hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner,silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately,many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England,still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania,sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to
undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S.government declares a national fowl emergency.
2003 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the
law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding
explosives.George W. signs this law into Congress, during
a patriotic speech he defends this decision claiming "the
evil doers are just looking for any opportunity to show up
at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving take a real good
look at your relatives...and report any suspicious behavior
to the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's
grandma...it's your duty as an American... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-28-2003 08:42 AM
Rated G
Useful fact - Thanksgiving:
The first American Thanksgiving celebration was held in the fall
of 1621 by the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock. They invited their new
Massosoit Indian friends to mark the occasion with food and
games. The Pilgrims were very thankful to be alive after
surviving a horrible trip over on ther ship "Mayflower" and a
very hard year in North America. Here are some interesting facts
and fun trivia about this national holiday of food and fun!
The Pilgrims and Thanksgiving
* Of the 104 passengers that came over on the Mayflower, only 52
survived the first year at Plymouth Rock. Twenty-one of these
survivors were under the age of 16. America was, in fact, founded
in large by children.
* 90 Massosoit Indians arrived for the first Thanksgiving
celebration.
* Only four Pilgrim women had survived and oversaw the three-day
feast for 142 people.
* Games were played at the first Thanksgiving and most likely
included: "The Staggin Match" where two contestants with their
feet tied together and their hands tied behind their backs tried
to knock each other down and "A Egge Race To Be Runn," where
contestants placed a whole egg in their mouth and raced to a
finish line; the first person who crossed with an unbroken egg in
their mouth won.
* Sarah Joseph Hale, fashion editor for Godey's Lady's Book,
started a campaign that made Thanksgiving Day the true national
celebration as we know it today.
* Although it wasn't the first, Abraham Lincoln's "Thanksgiving
Proclamation," in 1863 seems to be the one that put the holiday
on our calendars.
Turkey
* Benjamin Franklin suggested the turkey be the American National
Bird and was disappointed when the eagle was selected instead. He
felt the turkey had much more moral in character.
* The turkey is native to America and has been around for over 10
million years.
* The largest turkey on record weighed 86 pounds.
* Over 45 million turkeys are eaten at Thanksgiving.
* Since 1999, sales of Tofurky, the vegan 'turkey' have increased
110%.
* Only male turkeys gobble. Females make a clicking noise
* Domesticated turkeys can not fly, but the wild turkey can fly
at speeds of 55 m.p.h. and run at 20 m.p.h.
* What's a tom? A male bird. The female is the hen
Pumpkins:
* In colonial Connecticut, pumpkins cut in half were used as
guides for haircuts and thus the nickname "Pumpkin Heads" was
given to New Englanders.
* Pumpkins are native to America.
* Pumpkins are a fruit because they contain seeds.
* The largest pumpkin on record weighed 1337.6 pounds.
* Pumpkins were once used medicinally for removing freckles and
curing snakebites.
* "Apocolocynposis," means fear of turning into a pumpkin.
Cranberries:
* There are only three major fruits native to North America:
cranberries, blueberries, and Concord grapes.
* Cranberry juice is the official state beverage of Massachusetts.
* Cranberries got their name either because the cranes love to
eat them or their flower resembles a crane's head. Maybe both.
It's a debate.
* Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that comes from real fruit
flavor.
* You can tell a cranberry is ripe by bouncing it. A perfectly
ripe cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
* "The Great Cranberry Scare of 1959" was the precedent for many
more to come. Trace amounts of the weed killer Aminotriazole were
found in domestic cranberries. Aminotriazole produced cancer in
lab rats. Cranberry sales were suspended and millions of
Americans did without cranberry sauce that year.
Sweet Potatoes:
* Sweet Potatoes are native to America and have been around for
20,000 years.
* They are not related to Yams and neither are Potatoes. Sweet
Potatoes are a member of the Morning Glory Family while Yams
belong to the Lily family.
* Sweet Potatoes are rich in vitamin A; yams have none.
~source used: http://www.mybackyard.com
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-29-2003 09:01 AM
Rated G
Black November!
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of....Black November.
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.
And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald and pink,
And scoop out your insides and leave you lying in the sink.
And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were to grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a singed piece of meat.
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the whole compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-03-2003 10:32 AM
Rated G Michele
I hate this time of year.Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter,they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for
holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat
and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately.Go next door,where they serve rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.And quickly.Like fine single-malt scotch,it's rare.In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat.Enjoy it.Have one for me.Have two.It's later than you think.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.That's the whole point of gravy.Gravy does not stand alone.Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food. Lots of it. Hellloo?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to
do.This is the time for long naps,which you'll need after
circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.Have as many as you can beforebecoming the center of attention.They're like a beautiful pair ofshoes.You can't leave them behind.You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies? Apple? Pumpkin? Mincemeat.Have a slice of each.Or,if you don't like mincemeat,have two apples and one pumpkin.Always have three.When else do you get to have more than one dessert??Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?Granted,it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories,but avoid it at all cost.I mean,
have some standards.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention.
Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just
around the corner.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2003 08:42 PM
Rated G
Dear Sandta, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least he can spell! Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis"; nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible?
Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house. Santa
* * *
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy Timmy, That whiny begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
* * *
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa:D
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2003 10:32 AM
Rated PG B.B.
There was a woman out Christmas shopping with her two children.
After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and
everything else imaginable and hearing both her children asking
for everything they saw on those many shleves, this woman finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time ofthe year:Overwhelming pressure to go to every party,every housewarming,taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list,make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the
pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in
the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her
two kids in with her along with all her bags of stuff. When the
doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and said out
loud, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be
arrested and strung up!"
From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded,
"Don't worry ma'am, we crucified Him." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-08-2003 02:36 PM
Rated G JerseyT
Twelve Days of Christmas ...
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second,Fluffy climbed onto the table,poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and,suddenly off-balance,fell into the cookie dough.Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar,three sticks of butter....Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon
has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office
visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-
rays in case Fluffy had taste-tested any other Christmas
decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet
removed the 3' curly 'tail' in slightly less than two seconds by
tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to
chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Fluffy feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know that she was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an
accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone.
Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood
stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice.
Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement,let me put it this way.You haven't seen many soldiers
for the Salvation Army this year,have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really.
While doing some early shopping at a discount store,I purchased a catnip mouse for Fluffy's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper,$4.50 for two empty boxes,$1 each for the kind of bows Fluffy can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one
earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten
could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha
guitar? Neither could I, but Fluffy thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades,I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long.Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas,my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a
disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite,"It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life":$2; purchase of book,"Good owners, great cats": $24.95.Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey.OK,OK,So this one time it was my fault.I knew I never should have uttered those now
infamous words:"Your first turkey, Fluffy. Want to try just a
little piece?" Cost:Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas........
Fluffy rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-09-2003 07:45 AM
Rated G Lorraine
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS FOR MOM
T'was the night before Christmas, in a suburban abode,
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
Our homeschooling mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin. "She'll cook! She'll dust!"
"She'll mop every mess! You'll relax, take it easy!
Watch The Young & the Restless..." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! I'll shop. I'll read,
I'll sleep a whole night through!"
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part!"
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."
That's my child's love she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom. You'll be all right."
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