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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:34 AM                        Rated G Mother's Day Moms (from my mother's day-to-day...you know!) In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice,the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and mothers.Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it. --Bill Cosby  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues REFLECTIONS OF A MOTHER I gave you life, but cannot live it for you. I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn. I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you. I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it. I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe. I can teach you right from wrong,but I cannot always decide for you. I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside. I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you. I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you. I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish. I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor. I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you. I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure. I can tell you the facts of life, but I can't build your reputation. I can tell you about drink, but I can't say "no" for you. I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them. I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you. I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious. I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral. I can love you as a child, but I cannot place you in God's family. I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God. I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make Jesus your Lord. I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life. I can love you with unconditional love all of my life...and I will! Always, Mom  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-11-2003 07:57 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee WHAT MOMS REALLY WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY **To be able to eat a whole candy bar(alone)and drink a soda without any"floaties"(ie, backwash). **To have her 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that"Why is this person my mother?"way. **Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty pounds to her figure. **A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!"just as she puts a razor to her ankle. **A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt. **For her teenager to announce,"Hey,Mom!I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" **A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. **To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. **To be able to step on a plane with their toddlers and NOT have someone moan"Oh no! Why me?!?" **To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend.I mean is this too much to ask? **To actually carry on a normal phone conversation with her toddler in the SAME room. **To actually be able to finish a HOT cup of coffee while her kids are present.An impossible feat! ** To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming, "Mommy,I have to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G "SOMEBODY" SAID... Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer. . . somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath. Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby. . . somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history. Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses and changing diapers. . .somebody doesn't know that a child is much more than the shell he lives in. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring . . .somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians know more about children than their mothers . . . somebody hasn't invested her heart in another human being. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother,your child will "turn out" . . . somebody thinks a child is like a bag of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold and guarantee. Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare time . . . somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother, you're a mother ALL the time. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . . somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. . . somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child- rearing questions in the books . . . somebody never had a child stuff legos up his nose. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery. . . somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back. . . somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married . . . somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home . . . somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate of life . . . somebody doesn't know what fills you up. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her . . . somebody isn't a mother. by Renee Hawkley, "Don't Come In Here! Mom's Throwing Spaghetti"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-26-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G useless fact (useful fact) - History of Memorial Day: The location of the first observance of Memorial Day is in dispute.Some claim the custom of honoring war dead began in Boalsburg,Pennsylvania. Others claim the custom was originated by some Southern women who placed flowers on the graves of both Union and Confederate soldiers after the Civil War.According to one writer, the first Memorial Day service took place on May 30, 1866,on Belle Isle, a burial ground for Union soldiers in the St. James River,at Richmond, Virginia.The school superintendent and the mayor planned the program of hymns and speeches and had the burial ground decorated with flowers. In 1865, Henry C.Welles, a druggist in the village of Waterloo, NY,mentioned at a social gathering that honor should be shown to the patriotic dead of the Civil War by decorating their graves. In the Spring of 1866,he again mentioned this subject to General John B. Murray,Seneca County Clerk. General Murray embraced the idea and a committee was formulated to plan a day devoted to honoring the dead. In May of 1966, just in time for the Centennial, Waterloo was recognized as the "Birthplace of Memorial Day" by the United States Government.This recognition was long in coming and involved hours of painstaking research to prove the claim.While other communities may claim earlier observances of honoring the Civil War dead,none can claim to have been so well planned and complete, nor can they claim the continuity of observances that Waterloo can who had honored soldiers who had died in the Civil War. The Centennial Celebration that year brought dignitaries from government, military, veteran's organizations and descendants of the original founders of Memorial Day. A once luxurious home on Waterloo's Main Street, built in 1850, was purchased from the county and restored. Now the Memorial Day Museum, it houses artifacts of the first Memorial Day and the Civil War era. Memorial Day is commemorated each year in Waterloo.The parade, speeches, and solemn observances keep the meaning of Memorial Day as it was originally intended to be. Sent in by Baby Blues  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:22 AM                        Rated G "I think I will celebrate the 4th... on the 3rd ...with a 5th Have a safe Martini everyone. I mean Holiday--everyone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 07:49 AM                        Rated G Holloween Trick or Treat by Your Sign Aries:Pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Gemini: goes around the neighborhood once,changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer: Stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leo: Plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo: Wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra: Is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio: Isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius: Will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn:Makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius:Builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all tinkering when it shorts. Pisces:Skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G The Twelve Night's of HALLOWEEN...And what..., My true love gave to me... On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me... A vulture in a dead tree! On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Two flying bats and a vulture in a dead tree! On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Three black cats,Two flying bats,and a vulture in a dead tree! On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Four hooting owls,Three black cats,Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree! On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree! On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree! On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls,Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree! On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave to me...Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls,Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree! On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a- creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls,Three black cats,Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree! On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting,Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls,Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree! On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree! On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave to me... Twelvepumpkins grinning, Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2003 03:20 PM                        Rated G B.B. 'PUMPKIN WONDERLAND' (To the tune of Winter Wonderrland) Screech owls hoot, are you listenin'? Beneath the moon, all is glistenin' A real scary sight, we're happy tonight Waitin'in a pumpkin wonderland. In the patch, we're watching for Great Pumpkin We've been waiting for this night all year. For we've tried to be nice to everybody And to grow a pumpkin patch that is sincere! Later on, while we're eating What we got trick-or-treating We'll share all the snacks Of Halloween snacks Waiting in a pumpkin wonderland.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 12:59 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I know it is early, but every year about this time, I start to long for the holidays.Maybe you are like me when it comes to the holidays.Some people REALLY love Christmas, me,I love Thanksgiving. Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving, man... you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated G Michele POLITICALLY CORRECT HALLOWEEN Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example: WITCH BURNING: Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on shit.What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired,wardrobe-challenged women. WINDOW WAXING: These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-,and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm,and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights,if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler. TRICK-OR-TREATING: This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering]statutes,except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles,and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out. And then there are the treats themselves: Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice. Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours. Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct: That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage. Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no. Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too. Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged,after 2005 they will be mandatory. And,finally, costumes: Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot. Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists. Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers. Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate. Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases.Which is to say,all of them. Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically- impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab- American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.A cow person? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow. So there you are.The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone.And if someone scares you, you can't scream.In some communities,any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court.Until then, do so at your own risk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:37 PM                        Rated PG Michele REASONS YOU WON'T WIN THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST - The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass not the other way around. - 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy. - Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary. - Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party, four times. - Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door. - Your beret falls off every time you kneel. - Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer?" Check. Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!! - No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott. - This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson. - Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current. - The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume. - The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed. - *Nobody* likes a farting clown.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:40 PM                        Rated G Michele One day Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, vol-au-vents,chicken wings,chipolatas,tomato salad,pizza slices and crisps descend on him from a great height and knock him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath,"It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:49 PM                        Rated G Where does Dracula water ski? In Lake Erie, off course. (Norman Gilbert) What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon? A Were-doe (Stan Kegel) What did the momma ghost say to the baby ghost as they drove down the street? Buckle your sheet belt . (Ernie) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Day scare centers. (Clynch Varnadore) What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed (Lederer & Swanson). Why did the chicken sit on the ax? To try and hatchet. (Daily Groaner) What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays. (Christopher, 11) What do Unicorns call their father? "Pop" corn. (William Brabant) What Is the obvious phrase for donating your body to a medical school? A Dead Give-away (Stan Kegel) What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi. (Norman Gilbert) What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist? A horrible par a dox (Gary Hallock) I think our school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit. (Gina) What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm? A terror wrist. (Daily Groaner) What is the study of shopping called? Buy-ology (Rachel, 8) What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? Tombstones (Bill Stubbins) What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun? A Skele-tan. (Daily Groaner) The first haunted house open to the public had 20 scream doors. (Daryl Stout) Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school? Because his heart wasn't in it. (Christine, 10) People who play the stock market get happy on Halloween. Why? Its ticker treat night!(Louise & Mike Gourdoux) What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts? A Scare-ousel (Stan Kegel) The mummy asked his maker, 'How do I exist?' The answer: Just be-gauze (Gary Hallock) Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans (Trinitty) Why was the student vampire tired in the morning? Because he was up all night studying for his blood test! (Tom & Carrol) Why don't mummies go on vacations? Because they might relax and unwind!! (The Daily Joke) What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin diving (LAB Riddles) Why are cards like wolves? Because they belong to a pack. (Stan Kegel) What do you call a exam given to a criminal? A con-test (Susie Mundy)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G Michele 20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS 1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) 2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. 3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. 4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell,"Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party. 5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. 6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. 7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. 8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" 9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away. 10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. 11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. 12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. 13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. 14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or- treaters for a moment,pretend to be confused,and start flipping through a calendar. 15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. 16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick- or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. 17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half- eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door.Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. 18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. 19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. 20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or- treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.  |  IP: Logged

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