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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-26-2002 08:41 AM
RATED G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-26-2002 08:56 AM
Rated G
SANTA'S NEW IDEA:
Said Santa Claus
One winter’s night,
‘I really think it’s only right
That gifts should have a little say
‘Bout where they’ll be on Christmas Day.’
So then and there
He called the toys
Intended for good girls and boys,
And when they’d settled down to hear,
He made his plan for them quite clear.
These were his words:
‘Soon now,’ he said,
‘You’ll all be speeding off with me
To being the Christmas joy and cheer
To little ones both far and near.
‘Here’s my idea,
It seems but fair
That you should each one have a share
In choosing homes where you will stay
On and after Christmas Day.
‘Now the next weeks
Before we go
Over the miles of glistening snow
Find out the tots that you like best
And think much nicer than the rest.’
The toys called out
‘Hurrah! Hurrah!
What fun to live always and play
With folks we choose – they’ll surely be
Selected very carefully.’
So, children dear,
When you do see
Your toys in socks or on a tree,
You’ll know in all the world ‘twas you
They wanted to be given to.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(Anonymous Author)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-26-2002 09:09 AM
Rated G
Some Reasons to Keep Christmas Alive
10. Without Christmas, the candied fruit market would collapse!
9. Without Christmas, our slow, uneventful lives would have no
stress whatsoever!
8. Without Christmas, barking dogs wouldn't have a music
career!
7. Without Christmas, Santa would only be a really weird fat guy
with poor fashion sense!
6. Without Christmas, there would be no Christmas bonuses!
5. Without Christmas, you'd have to waste money buying all your own underwear and socks!
4. Without Christmas, your cat would never know the joy of
coughing up tinsel!
3. Without Christmas, December would feel a lot like February!
2. Without Christmas, Eggnog becomes just a disgusting
beverage!
And the number one reason for keeping Christmas alive is:
1. Without Christmas, there would be no Easter! --- That means
there would also be: no hope, no forgiveness, no victory over the
grave. If that's the case, then the TRUE meaning of Christmas is
certainly something worth celebrating!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-26-2002 11:01 AM
Rated G
'TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the
beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung
empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-
Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst
Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't
argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just
cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and
looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to
uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named
Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't
taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he
said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have
been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big
beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of
jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I
said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm
describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's
time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't
have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I
said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought
that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I
thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a
bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the
roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a
freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my
hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney
this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he
stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I
yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his
business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag
and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him
extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
(Author--Jeff Foxworthy)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-26-2002 11:05 AM
Rated PG
Beer Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all I could hear
Was my party guests screaming, "We've run out of beer!"
I laughed for a moment, said, "They're pulling my leg,"
For I had just tapped a half-barrel keg.
"No, Really, we're out!" someone shrieked out of fright. And the
crowd
grew more restless, surely there would be a fight. "Now relax," I
said
calmly "I've got plenty more brew." "I've got Coors in the
pantry, and
Schlitz in the loo."
But my pantry was bare, and my fridge empty, too,
Gone, too was the Six-Pack I kept in the loo.
My pulse quickly rose and my heart sank with fear
For what kind of people could drink that much beer?
I looked at my guests; some invited, some not.
And I smelled the unmistakable sweet smell of pot.
Then I saw two girls giggle with glassy-eyed grins.
There was no mistaking: It was the Bush Twins.
They had drank all my beer and smoked all my stash.
Now I was lamenting my Christmas eve bash.
The girls were shot-gunning the last can of Bud,
When up on the roof I heard a great THUD!
Then down from the chimney came a jolly fat dude.
He said, "Ran out of beer? Aw, man that's just rude.
"Lucky for you, you've been a good boy.
"So I will provide you with great Christmas joy."
And out of his sack he proceeded to bring
cases of beer (oh it made my heart sing).
More Bud and more Coors, even Michelob light
More Killian's and Beck's; what a wonderful sight!
My guests started cheering, the Bush girls did flips.
Even the secret service were whetting their lips.
The Kennedy's came by; John Daly did, too.
The spirit of Christmas was sure coming through.
I looked out my window and spotted St. Nick
Chugging a pitcher, and chugging it quick!
And I heard him exclaim as he flew fast away,
"Drink, but don't drive" as he crashed his new sleigh.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-26-2002 11:54 AM
Rated G
The Filling Station
====================
The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve.
He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away.He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.
He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through.Instead of throwing the man out, George,Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warmup.
"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger."I see you're busy. I'll just go"
"Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger."It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew.Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell."Excuse me, be right back," George said.
There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.
"Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken."
George opened the hood.It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.
"But mister Please help...."The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside.He walked around the building and opened the garage, started thetruck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.
"Here, you can borrow my truck," he said."She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."
George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office.
"Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too.That 'ol truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.
"Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start.It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garagewhere the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do.Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator.
"Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln.They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.
As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground.Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me."George helped the officer inside as he remembered the traininghe had received in the Army as a medic.He knew the wound needed attention.
"Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels.He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.
"Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease."Something for pain," George thought.All he had was the pills he used for his back."These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the
policeman the pills.
"You hang in there.I'm going to get you an ambulance." George said, but the phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car."
He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.
"Thanks,"said the officer."You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area."
George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is.Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed theimportant stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right
as rain."
George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?"he asked.
"None for me," said the officer.
"Oh, yer gonna drink this.Best in the city." Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts."
The officer laughed and winced at the same time.The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.
"Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled.His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.
"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.
"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."
The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!" The cop was reaching for his gun.
"Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now."
He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's ChristmasEve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got.Now put that pee shooter away."
George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time.The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry.
"I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job.My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week..."
George handed the gun to the cop. Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then.The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."
He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop."Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human.Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer.Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."
The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop."Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer."
"Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said.
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside.A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt.Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.
"Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.
"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"
"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.
Chuck answered him, "I don't know.The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other."That guy works here," the wounded cop continued.
"Yep," George said. "Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job."
The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher.
The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"
Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George,and thanks for everything."
"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into theback room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box.
"Here you go.Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."
The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring heever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man."It means something to you."
"And now it means something to you," replied George."I got my memories. That's all I need."
George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racingcar and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."
The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too.Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said.
"Now git home to your family."
The young man turned with tears streaming down his face."I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."
George turned around to find that the stranger had returned."Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"
"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger."You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"
"Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby."
The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.
The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists.The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people.
That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And howdo you know all this?" asked the old man.
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort ofthing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door.
"If you will excuse me,George, I have to go now.I have togo home where there is a big celebration planned."
George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe.A golden light began to fill the room.
"You see, George, it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."
Author Unknown
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