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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 11:14 AM                        Rated G You Know You're a Mom When... 10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie. 9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. 8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! 7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door. 6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. 5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. 4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language. 3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. 2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" 1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 11:16 AM                        Rated G The History of Mother's Day The earliest Mother's Day celebrations can be traced back to the spring celebrations of ancient Greece in honour of Rhea, the Mother of the Gods. During the 1600's, England celebrated a day called "Mothering Sunday". Celebrated on the 4th Sunday of Lent, "Mothering Sunday" honoured the mothers of England. In the United States Mother's Day was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe as a day dedicated to peace. Miss Howe would hold organized Mother's Day meetings in Boston, Mass ever year. In 1907 Ana Jarvis, from Philadelphia, began a campaign to establish a national Mother's Day. Miss Jarvis persuaded her mother's church in Grafton, West Virginia to celebrate Mother's Day on the second anniversary of her mother's death, the 2nd Sunday of May. By the next year Mother's Day was also celebrated in Philadelphia. Mrs. Jarvis and her supporters began petitioning ministers, businessmen,and politicians in their quest to establish a national Mother's Day. In 1914 President Woodrow Wilson made the official announcement proclaiming Mother's Day as a national holiday that was to be held each year on the 2nd Sunday of May. Since carnations were Mrs. Jarvis's favourite flower,soon after people everywhere began wearing carnations to honour their moms. The U.S. Mothers' Day is a holiday celebrated on second Sunday in May. It is a day when children honor their mothers with cards, gifts, and flowers. Many other countries of the world celebrate their own Mother's Day at different times throughout the year. Australia, celebrate Mother's Day on the second Sunday in May, as in the U.S. Red Carnations indicates your mother is alive. White Carnations indicates your mother passed away. Yellow Carnations indicates you're a Bereaved Mother.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 11:17 AM                        Rated G What is a Mother? It takes a Mother's LOVE to make a house a home, A place to be remembered, no matter where we roam. It takes a Mother's PATIENCE to bring a child up right, And her COURAGE and her CHEERFULNESS to make a dark day bright It takes a Mother's THOUGHTFULNESS to mend the heart's deep hurts, And her SKILL and her ENDURANCE to mend little socks and shirts. It takes a Mother's KINDNESS to forgive us when we err, To sympathize in trouble and bow her head in prayer. It takes a Mother's WISDOM to recognize our needs And to give us reassurance by her loving words and deeds. It takes a Mother's ENDLESS FAITH, her CONFIDENCE and TRUST To guide us through the pitfalls of selfishness and lust. And that is why in all the world there could not be another Who could fulfill God's purpose as completely as a MOTHER! ~Helen Steiner Rice~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 06:19 AM                        Rated G Memorial Day My six-year-old son was very inquisitive in the days leading up to Memorial Day after seeing many decorated veterans about the town selling poppies. Together we looked through some books and talked about the sacrifice so many people had made so that he could live in a country like the United States. After several days of this, Brian finally felt he had it pretty well figured out. Driving home after a Memorial Day service at church, Brian said: "Okay, I understand that many young men went overseas and fought in the war. And I understand that some children never got to see their fathers. But one thing I don't understand is...Where did the foxes go while the men were using their holes?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:34 PM                        Rated G Father's Day "What does this sign say, Daddy?" my four-year-old daughter, Christina, asked me as we waited in the driver’s license bureau. "Drinking and driving don’t mix," I replied. "Now come over here and sit down, please." Undeterred, she asked me, "What does this sign say, Daddy?" "Always wear your seat belt," I answered. "Now, please, come here and sit down!" Christina decided to ignore me and turned to the receptionist. "What does this sign say?" she asked her. With a straight face, the receptionist answered, "Little girls should always listen to their fathers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:35 PM                        Rated G QUOTES for FATHER'S DAY "Men are usually reluctant to become fathers because they aren't through being children." ~Cindy Garner "The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother." ~ Henry Ward Beecher "The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally as guilty as the son who neglects them." ~Confucius "A child's job is to test the boundaries; a parent's is to see the child survives the test." ~Dr. Roger MacDonald "Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." ~Red Buttons  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:36 PM                        Rated G Maggie Whoever said, "Your dad knows you love him, so you don't have to tell him," never heard "I love you" followed by a hug and kiss from a sleepy child who is being tucked into bed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:39 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues What Makes A Dad? God took the strength of a mountain... The majesty of a tree- The warmth of a summer sun, The calm of a quiet sea, The generous soul of nature, The comforting arm of night, The wisdom of the ages... The power of the eagle's flight- The joy of a morning in spring, The faith of a mustard seed, The patience of eternity, The depth of a family need. Then God combined these qualities... When there was nothing more to add, He knew His masterpiece was complete, And so, He called it ... "DAD!" Happy Father's Day to ALL You Dad's!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2005 01:38 PM                        Rated G Fourth Of July - Independance Day THE 4TH OF JULY Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 menwho signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors,and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army;another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes,and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists.Eleven were merchants,nine were farmers and large plantation owners;men of means, well educated,but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death ifthey were captured Carter Braxton of Virginia,a wealthy planter and trader,saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the Britishthat he was forced to move his family almost constantly.He served in the Congress without pay, and his familywas kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him,and poverty was his reward. Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer,Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire.The home was destroyed,and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.For more than a year he lived in forestsand caves,returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So,take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday andsilently thank these patriots.It's not much to ask for the price theypaid. Remember: freedom is never free!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-04-2005 11:24 AM                        Rated G MY ADVICE FOR HAVING A SAFE INDEPENDENCE DAY HOLIDAY... If You Drink A Fifth on the Fourth, You Might Not Come Forth on the Fifth.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2005 12:18 PM                        Rated G You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ...." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating... * * * 1. You keep having to go home to pee. No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 05:09 PM                        Rated G It was Halloween, and a little boy, who had a speech impediment was out Trick-or-Treating. He came to a man's house and said "Bick or Beet" and the man said, "What are you for Halloween?" "A birate" the little boy said. Now, everyone knows that pirates are associated with buccaneers. So, the man said, "Well son, where are you're buccaneers?" And the little boy replied, "on the side of my buckin' head!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 08:04 AM                        Rated G Halloween definitions: Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose. Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat. Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer. Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge. Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween. Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Jack O'Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week. Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee. Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking. Skeleton: Any supermodel. Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with. Witch: See "Mother-in-Law." Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 08:12 AM                        Rated G The 21 Rules Of Halloween! With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints this and every year!!! 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone. 6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out. 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. 17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. 18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices. 19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle. 20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard. 21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside. HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:55 AM                        Rated PG Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty... 10. She's a goblin! 9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night! 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch. 5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth. 2. You scared me stiff! 1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!  |  IP: Logged

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