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Author Topic: Holiday 's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:19 PM                        Come back in a few minutes Thanks...Bob  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated XXX Did you ever wonder if the Pilgrims would have killed bobcats instead of turkeys? And if so on Thanksgiving we'd be eating pussy!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 05:55 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Signs of Christmas Everywhere" Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000. A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:26 PM                        Rated G B.B. To All Employees From Management... Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:28 PM                        Rated G "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." --Johnny Carson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 08:47 AM                        Rated G "HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS" 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: 4a - don't pee on the tree 4b - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree 4c - mind your tail when you are near the tree 4d - if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open 4e - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season.These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: 5a - not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans 5b - don't eat off the buffet table 5c - beg for goodies subtly 5d - be pleasant,even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa 5e-don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach (my bird needs to read this one) 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: 6a - observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) 6b - respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house 6c - tolerate children 6d - turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 02:01 PM                        Rated G There was a woman out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable and hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shleves, this woman finally made it to the elevator with her two kids. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her along with all her bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she couldn't take it anymore and said out loud, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!" From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they crucified Him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 02:05 PM                        Rated G Christmas One-Liners If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missle- toe! What do you call a person who is scared of Santa? Claus- trophobic! How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad! What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle. JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus. Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long- distance runners on each side.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 07:05 AM                        Rated G On Christmas Eve, Maxine had her three-year-old son Brad put out milk and cookies for Santa. During the night, the milk and cookies were consumed. It was a mystery to Maxine because she knew no one in the house could have done it. Then Brad pointed at the milk glass and said, "I know Santa was here because some of his whiskers are in the glass." The mystery was solved. Maxime smiled and petted Siam, their Siamese cat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 07:08 AM                        Rated G Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries not included."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 10:21 AM                        Rated G Anthony Men Are Just Happier People...What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T- shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:30 AM                        Rated G You Just Might Be A Scrooge... If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon - you just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away - you just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts - you just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon -you just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log -you just might be a Scrooge If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Jerry Springer episode - you just might be a Scrooge If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat -you just might be a Scrooge And finally, if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -you just might be a Scrooge  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:31 AM                        Rated G N.B. A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba If you see a fat man . . . Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it . . . Your egg nogs' too strong!  |  IP: Logged

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