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Topic: Holiday 's
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2003 07:21 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Ho Ho Ho!
Hello out there all people of the world,
This is Santa, and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas
may be a little late this year.
See, after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found
some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
250,576,428,534,120 Good
250,576,428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
250,576,428,534,118 Good
250,576,428,523,121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. to help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer.
You see, the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I
made them myself, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good...and Bad??? The checkmarks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. Some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them.I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.
So,if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree,at least you can tell the kids the story.
Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,
Santa:D
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2003 08:18 AM
Rated G
THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste;
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash;
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle;
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout;
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot;
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask;
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it; they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree;
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
Joyce Luke
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Bill Gabel
Film God
Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted 12-12-2003 08:41 PM
A Snow Diary Rated R
Dec. 4 5:00 It started to snow. The first of the season & the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat at the window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
Dec. 9 We awoke to a big beautiful blacket of crystal white snow covering the landsscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle of white. I shovelled snow for the first time in years, and loved it. I did both driveways and sidewalk. Later the snowplough came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, he smiled, and I waved back. I shovelled again.
Dec. 13 The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get more before the lovely winter is through.
Dec. 14 It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 0. I shovelled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly, the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
Dec. 15 Sold our car and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer, so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pick up.
Dec. 18 Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $123.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank god. The damn sky is getting dark again.
Dec. 19 Still cold, icy roads, making for tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's car. Probably $2,000 damage or so. She's really pissed off.
Dec. 20 Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night! More shovelling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplough came by twice.
Dec. 22 We are assured of a white Christmas, because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this freezing weather, it won't melt till August. I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again (boots, jump suit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc), then I got to pee!
Dec. 24 If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives the snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling, and then comes down the street 100 miles per hour, and throws that white shit everywhere.
Dec. 25 Merry Christmas, they predict 12 more inches of the fucking white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many goddamn shovelfuls of snow 12 inches is? To hell with Santa! He doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The snowplower cameby asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice axe. The doctor thinks he'll live.
Dec. 28 We got 11 more inches. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression, because the wife is beginning to look good to me.
Dec. 29 The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.
Dec. 30 I torched the fucking house, and moved back to California!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-15-2003 09:04 AM
Rated G Michele
Santa Claus needed a vacation.He decided to go to Texas because
it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As
soon as he arrived in town,people began to point andsay,"Look!
The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?
Santa thought,"Gee,I'll never get any rest if people star asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."
So he decided to disguise himself.He bought a cowboy outfit
complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat."No one will know me
now--I look just like everyone else!"He thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to
point and say,"Look!It's that famous Christmas personality!"
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!" he thought."They recognize me because of my long white beard!"So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off."I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted,"It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it.He was sure that no one would recognize him.So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said,"You? I don't know you,but
isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you
Rudolph?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-18-2003 09:08 AM
Rated G Michele
On the first day of Christmas,
when I brought home my tree...
My 12 cats were laughing at me.
On the second day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the third day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
I saw beneath my tree...
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
I looked at my poor tree...
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2003 08:39 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
* Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
* Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
* First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and
I'll put the hurt on you."
* Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
* Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.
* Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
* By the time he gets to your house,all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.
* Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.
* Kid asks for new bike,gets pack of smokes.
* Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped,"Dream on,
Chester!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2003 09:50 PM
Rated PG Lorraine
A PARENTS NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-
deluded... I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-21-2003 07:06 AM
Rated G Michele
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year.I've fed, cleaned,and cuddled my
two children on demand,visited their doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground,and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon,on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.I'd also like a waist,since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the phone.
On the practical side,I could use a talking daughter doll that
says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,along with onepotty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight,and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room","Take your shoes off the couch," and 'Take your hands off your brother/sister," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet
making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products,I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same
morning,or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable?It will clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family;or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door.I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the
chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch
cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too
many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
Mom
PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.
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