A little song to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon

Once a pure white virgin lived by the sea,
She frolicked over pastrol fields her name Virginity.
A sweet young thing of just sixteen,
A rosebud ripe and firm.
She wandered over the verdent hills
Not knowing of the sperm.

Well, Fuck the Giant Penis lived not far away,
His cock was damn near two feet long, he poked one twice a day.
He was an Ivy leager, with vest and pinstripped shirt,
He drove a roadster XKE, that sexed up extrovert.

One day while he was roaming around the rural strips,
He spied her picking flowers there,
That bitch with swinging hips.
He jumped out of the driver's seat and grabbed her by her ass,
He tore off all her clothing and laid her in the grass.

Twisted

Late one night in the middle of the day,
two dead soldiers got up to fight,
back to back they faced each other,
pulled out their swords and shot one another,
a deaf policeman heard the noise
and shot the twice dead boys,
if you don't believe me ask the blind man
who saw it all through a knothole in a wooden brick wall

Ode to Valentine's Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Clinton Does Dr. Suess

I did not do it in a car

I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark

I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date

I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance

I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base

I did not do it in her face

I never did it in a bed

If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan

I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain

I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip

I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly

With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher

I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life

I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes

Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers

Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie

I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November

But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall

I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study

I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat

I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry

I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington

There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel

And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd

At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed

They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar

I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin

Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me

I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech

Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail

Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden, as everyone knows,
Live Adam and Eve, without any clothes.
In this garden, were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on, never the less to say,
The wind came along, and blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, all covered with hair.

And wonder came, under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, started to rise.
They found a spot, that suited them best,
A nice big tree, where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider, and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion, beyond her control.

When I'm an Old Lady!

~ A Tale of Woe, Not by Poe ~

with all apologies due to E. A. Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Systems manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices
Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desparation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away
and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night
and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no - my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data - Nevermore!"

OVERTIME

Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year.
And since you are gone, so late at night
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool
Working this over time is wasting your tool.
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen.
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each morning, husband dear, you crawl into bed.
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have played with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're on O.T. we'll proceed to make hay.

Dust if you must . . . but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter?
Bake a cake, or plant a seed?
Ponder the difference between want and need.

Dust if you must . . . but there is not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb!
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must . . . but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain:
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must . . . but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go, and go you must,
You, yourself, will make more dust.

[Remember, a house becomes a home when you can write
"I Love You" on the furniture.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

The golden years have come at last,
I cannot see, I cannot pee,
I cannot chew, I cannot screw,
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,
no sense of smell, I look like hell.
My body is drooping, got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last,
The golden years can kiss my ass!!

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out...
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout...
Time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job to find the blasted thing

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son.
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

SMILING is infectious, You catch it like the flu
When someone SMILED at me today, I started SMILING too
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
When he SMILED, I realized I'd passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile, then realized its worth,
A single SMILE just like mine could travel 'round the earth.
So if you feel a SMILE begin, don't leave it undetected.