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Author Topic: Poems Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:45 PM                        Rated PG "The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be. When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. I have nothing, nothing to hide. My friend, he took me for a ride. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, not anytime. And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!! Author unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-28-2005 10:02 AM                        Rated G Snipe Hunt by Sarah R. Shaber Simon Shaw, a history professor at Kenan College, and his friend, David Morgan an archaeologist for the state of North Carolina have been invited by Marcus Clegg to spend Thanksgiving at the Cleggs’ cottage in Pearlie Beach on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Unfortunately, pleasure becomes business for Morgan when a dredging operation turns up the skeletal remains of a body in a circa 1940 diving suit. Local police chief Donnie Lee Keck wants Morgan’s archeological expertise in determining the identity of the remains, and, if possible, the cause of death. The victim is readily identified as Carl Chavis, a local resident, who had gone missing in 1942. Carl was related to the Pearlie family from whom Pearlie Beach got its name. Naturally, the surviving members of the Pearlie family are upset by the discovery, especially when it is determined that Carl most likely died from loss of blood as a result of stabbing. Also found in the diving suit with Carl are a handful of gold Confederate coins, leading to speculation that Carl had discovered a treasure and was murdered as a result. Sarah Shaber ‘s obvious strengths as a writer are clearly demonstrated in Snipe Hunt. The plot is unique and her knowledge of North Carolina history extensive. Not only does she manage to weave details of North Carolina’s participation in the Civil War into her story, but also the state’s importance in World War II plays an active role. The method by which Ms. Shaber ties the events of the two wars to the present day is really quite clever. The author ably demonstrates her wry sense of humor. One statement in particular, seems to merit quoting. Simon is speculating on possible situations that fit the facts they have pertaining to the case, saying, “I’m a scholar. I can make facts fit any scenario I want.” Several weaknesses detract from an otherwise totally enjoyable book. A major clue that enables Simon to untangle the threads of the mystery is his discovery of some magazines stuffed in the wall of a poorly heated bathroom to presumably act as insulation. That he should just happen to discover these magazines was an acceptable, but certainly fortuitous, coincidence. That the owner of the magazines would use these particular ones as insulation was a lot harder to believe. In another related subplot, a man is murdered in his own house. His wife doesn’t hear a thing because she sleeps with earplugs -- in a quiet little resort town during the off-season. This also seemed a bit convenient. Despite this and the fact that it wasn’t a great challenge to finger the villain, I quite enjoyed Snipe Hunt. The historical information was cleverly and clearly explained so that even I, not one keen on history, found myself quite enthralled. The relationships of the members of the Pearlie family, which play a prominent role in the book, are well defined. Short of adding a genealogical chart, Ms. Shaber couldn’t have done better. Her wry sense of humor definitely added to the enjoyment. Or.............. Snipe hunt A snipe hunt is usually one of a class of practical jokes that involves experienced people making fun of newcomers by giving them an impossible or imaginary task. Tolstoy's novels War and Peace and Anna Karenina though portray real snipe hunts. Inexperienced campers or hunters are told about a bird or animal called the snipe as well as a (usually ridiculous) method of catching it, such as running around the woods carrying a bag or making strange noises. Since the supposed snipe doesn't exist, the hunt never succeeds, no matter how foolishly the newcomer acts. There actually is a species of bird called a snipe, but it is found primarily in wetlands and the joke is invariably played in wooded areas. Variations There are a number of variations on this prank, including: A fool's errand in the UK involves sending newcomers on a work site to fetch nonexistent tools, such as a left-handed screwdriver, a can of striped paint, fallopian tubing, an alternating current battery, a tube of elbow grease, a box of bubbles or box of holes, or a 'round tuit'. The long stand in UK schools involves a teacher sending a pupil—usually picked for being annoying as much as for gullibility—to another teacher for "a long stand". When the pupil arrives and delivers the request, they are asked to wait—usually in full view of the class. In American schools, a new student is often sent to find something that does not exist, such as a swimming pool located on an upper floor of a building. In the Boy Scouts of America it is common for first-time attendees at a camporee (a large weekend event) to be sent after a "left-handed smoke-shifter," supposedly a branch with a fan on the end used to deflect smoke from a campfire. This practice is also common at Camp Agawam. Another such gag practiced by Californian Scouts is to send them looking for a "bacon stretcher" In the Air Force a variant involves new airmen being sent to the commissary to purchase a bottle of prop wash—prop wash is actually a term for turbulent airflow coming from the aft end of a propeller. Other military snipe hunts include sending someone for keys to a drop zone, box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, and lightstick batteries. Sometimes comissaries will get into the act and prepare things like bottles labeled "prop wash", and so on to sell to unsuspecting victims. A US Army variation is to send a soldier in search of a Priky-7, a non-existent object that sounds like an older military slang term for a radio. After being sent to several non-commissioned officers (i.e., sergeants), he is finally sent to a Sergeant First Class (an E-7 pay grade). That sergeant explains why he isn't looking for a prick E-7, but a Priky-8, and is sent looking for the company's First Sergeant (an E-8 pay grade). The golden rivet is a favourite in many navies around the world. In Dutch offices, newcomers are often sent to fetch the "folder of missing documents", or a "plinth ladder". New employees at Brazilian firms may be asked to do tasks like fetching "round envelopes" for sending "circular letters" (memos), but most such practical jokes lose their meaning when translated to English. This tradition is dwindling, as most companies strongly disapprove of it. Housing construction crews in the USA occasionally like to send new hires to the business on a hunt for a "rafter jack".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2005 02:15 PM                        Rated G SALLY A WOMEN'S POEM HE DIDN'T LIKE THE CASSEROLE AND HE DIDN'T LIKE MY CAKE THE BISCUITS WERE TOO HARD NOT LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO MAKE I DIDN'T PERK THE COFFEE RIGHT HE DIDN'T LIKE THE STEW I DIDN'T MEND HIS SOCKS THE WAY HIS MOTHER USED TO DO I PONDERED FOR AN ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR A CLUE THEN I TURNED AROUND AND SMACKED HIM......... LIKE HIS MOTHER USED TO DO  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:39 PM                        Rated G EVERYTHING LOOKS WONDERFUL! My face in the mirror, Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn-- I think I might never Put my glasses back on!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-27-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated G The Penis Poem My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring, But now I've got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave, For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 02:23 PM                        Rated G EVERYTHING LOOKS WONDERFUL! My face in the mirror, Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn-- I think I might never Put my glasses back on!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:06 AM                        Rated G OLD DOG IN A LOCKET (Dedicated to Thor Triton Caesar...April 6, 1990---October 18, 1999) by Heidi Stamm (Bainbridge Island, WA) Old dog in a locket, That lays next to my heart; I will always love you, As I did right from the start. You were right beside me, Through the darkest of my days; It was your kind and gentle nature, That made me want to stay. Now I hold you in my arms, Your breath still warm against my hand; Our hearts still beat together, And I wonder if you understand. Through the hours that I held you, Before the light did leave your soul; I knew a way to keep you, Forever in my hold. I snipped the hair from around your eyes, So I would always see; The beauty that surrounds me, Even in times of need. I snipped the hair from around your ears, So I would always hear; Music in the distance, To quiet any fears. I snipped the hair from across your back, To bring me strength in time of need; And the power of your essence, Would always be with me. I snipped the hair from around your heart, That beat in time with mine; So I would know that love would find me, At some distant time. And so, your life slipped out of mine, On a quiet Spring-like day; But I knew that a part of you, Was always here to stay. Old dog in a locket, That lays next to my heart; I will always love you, Even though we had to part.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G The horse and the mule live thirty years And nothing know of wines and beers. The goats and sheep at twenty die With never a taste of scotch or rye. The cow drinks water by the ton And at eighteen is mostly done. The dog at sixteen cashes in Without the aid of rum or gin. The cat in milk and water soaks And then in twelve short years it croaks. The sober, modest, bone-dry hen Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten. The animals are strictly dry They sinless live and swiftly die. While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men Survive for three score years and ten. And some of us, though mighty few Stay pickled till we're ninety-two. ** I'm sold. I'm gonna start drinking more. Anon  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:58 AM                        Rated g I Love My Job I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! T here's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often t hough it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. I love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores. I love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:51 AM                        Rated G ELECTION POETRY -- As Edgar Allen Poe saw it: Once upon a campaign dreary, one which left us weak and weary O'er many a quaint and curious promise of political lore While we nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a yapping, As of some votes overlapping, energy-zapping to the core 'Tis a mess here,' we all muttered, as the network anchors stuttered, Stuttered over Bush and Gore. Could there be another election with such a case of misdirection, One with such a weak selection, yet fraught with tension to the core? Quoth the ravers, 'Nevermore.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2005 10:51 AM                        Rated G Paradise Just could this be paradise right here where you are? Nirvana within you not somewhere afar? Tho' some would decry it and say it can't be just follow along if you long to be free. So if you want more than you think you have now watch closely your mindset and you'll find out how Just live in the present. Think only the best about yourself first and then all the rest of your brothers and sisters - you'll find that you're blest and really in paradise. It's all in your mind. Whatever you look for is just what you'll find. Larry Brophy  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 08:05 PM                        Rated G Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before, So pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too! Anon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Pigeon, pigeon in the sky, dropping whitewash in my eye! I’m a big girl, I don’t cry. I’m just glad that cows don’t fly!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 01:44 PM                        Rated G My Last Tear My body is yearning for your hand, and this broken heart lonely stands. I wait for your gentle kiss, and those soft lips I really miss! Your bright eyes and the way you smile, they only last for a while. But I will wait for you here until you come and dry my last tear. I love you and I miss you too, I just want you to know I will always be waiting for you. Elida Gonzalez  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2005 01:46 PM                        Rated G Paradise Just could this be paradise right here where you are? Nirvana within you not somewhere afar? Tho' some would decry it and say it can't be just follow along if you long to be free. Your life's what you make it - your choices each day the thoughts that you harbor and words that you say determine the status of your life today. So if you want more than you think you have now watch closely your mindset and you'll find out how Just live in the present. Think only the best about yourself first and then all the rest of your brothers and sisters - you'll find that you're blest and really in paradise. It's all in your mind. Whatever you look for is just what you'll find. --Larry Brophy  |  IP: Logged

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