One weekend my wife and I visited a shop in Maine. Arriving home, we realized we'd left our camera in the store. We returned a few weeks later, and sure enough, the clerk had the camera.

When we developed the film, two extra photos turned up. One was of a man standing outside the store holding a hand-lettered sign that simply stated, >> I Found Your Camera.<<

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

I was working in the Visitor Control Center at Andersen Air Force Base Guam, when a man in civilian clothes approached a fellow airman and requested a vehicle pass.
The airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration.

Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"

No more Polish jokes

I was in Poland riding through the country in a taxi. There were cows grazing right by the side of the road with no fences, and the driver was going about 70 mph. I said, 'In the U.S., they have to keep the cows behind a fence. Don't you have problems with cows walking onto the road?' He replied, 'Our cows are not stupid."

I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering.

I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it was quite appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your life."

She had just given birth to him that morning.

The other day I was in the local Auto store.

A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, " What's a seven ten cap?"

She said, "You know. It's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how, and I need a new one."

"What kinda car is it?", they asked. Now , I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven ten.

" NO", she said, "It's a Buick. "

"OK, lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do? "we asked.

She said, " I don't know, but its always been there."One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So, she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and, in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down, as she writes it, and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard.

One guy said, I think you want an oil cap.

She said, "Seven ten cap......Oil cap......I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damn funny about it!"

How Hot Is It In Hell?(a true story)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.

It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperatureand pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

Radio Broadcast Circa 1939

"Here comes the royal family now.

The automobile has stopped. "Oh, there's the King.

He's stepping out, followed by Her Magesty Queen Elizabeth, nattily attired in a silver coat.

Mr. King is now shaking hands with the King and introducing Mr. Queen to the King and Queen and then Mrs. Queen to the Queen and King.

"They are now proceeding up the steps to the well-decorated city hall, the King and Mr. King together with the Queen being escorted by Mrs. Queen.

The King has now stopped and said something to Mrs. Queen and goes to Mrs.Queen and the Queen and Mr. King and the Queen laughed jovially.

"The King leaves Mr. King and goes to Mrs. Queen and the Queen and Mr.King follow behind..."

A transcript printed by the Winnipeg Free Press, April 6, 2002 concerning the 1939 visit to Winnipeg, Canada by the King and Queen Mum-" the first by a reigning monarch to the Dominion"-as covered by CBC broadcasters.

The royals were escorted by Prime Minister Mackenzie King to a formal reception hosted for them by Winnipeg Mayor John Queen.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his
frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you
what magic words you used on that little boy?"

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed.

My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked
at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you damn dummies fall out!"

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir!"

A woman was taking her 3-year-old granddaughter to the fish market.

On the way there, the girl says "Grandma, we're going the wrong way. The fish store is the other way."

Now understand this woman had been going to the same market for years, so naturally she ignored the remark.

A few minutes later, the little girl says "Grandma, I'm sure this is the wrong way to the fish store. We're not supposed to pass Macy's."

So the woman explains that she's been going to this market for many years and she knows where she's going.

Finally, they get there. The little girl looks around, eyes wide, and gasps out "Oh, Grandma! This is the DEAD fish store!"