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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 04:00 PM                        Rated G Tom in Montana Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done... As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move mycar, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $45.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 10:34 AM                        Rated PG Michele A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick," a very agitated voice on the other end said."My dog has swallowed a condom." "Is he in distress?" the vet asked." "You don't understand,"the voice said."My dog has swallowed a condom." "Yes,but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal." "Please come quick,"the voice went on undeterred."The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed." Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away.He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again."About the dog that swallowed the condom,"said the voice, it was a lot calmer now."Panic over,we've found another one in the drawer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 11:45 AM                        Rated G I live in Houston and am used to having people cut me off on the highway. But this one time someone cut me off, missing my car by inches, then flipped me the bird, to boot. Still steamed, I noticed that we had gotten off at the same exit and the convertible's driver had pulled into an office complex parking lot. I pulled my car over and waited for them to leave the parking lot and enter the building, then I entered the lot and pulled up next to the car. Well, as my luck would have it, I had just made a stop at the grocery store and had a loaf of bread that I was willing to donate to this open convertible. So I did. I threw slices of bread in the front seat and in the back, then I drove off out of the lot and pulled off across the street. In a few minutes the pigeons,black birds,grackles,and sea gulls started descending upon the open car and presumably pooping there as well! This would never happen in the Midwest.Serves em’ right!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G While working as a television news camerman,I arrived at an accident scene,and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I parked the news cruiser,I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers."Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the officer,looked him in the eye and said,"You might be surprised to know that some of us in theMike Echo Delta India Alphacan Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:25 PM                        Rated G Phil After our old friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for a few weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of dog food," Tom told her. "Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe you would be eating anything like that!" "Well, come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied. Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of doggie bags from some of the best restaurants in town.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G My mother was planning a surprise birthday party for my little sister.She was 15 years old at the time and more then a little emotional. One day,before leaving on a trip to the doctors office,my mother took me aside and handing me a blank tablet said,"I'm going to try and get Kate to say the names of her best friends at school so we can invite them to her party.I want you to sit in the back and write them down." "Okay." I say, eager to help. We load up into the car,my mother,my sister and my two brothers. We are driving along and my mother says to Kate casually,"I was reading a very interesting article in a magazine about adolescents and how they go about choosing their "crowd"." Kate is staring off into space and doesn't respond. "Lots of people say that they meet their best friends in high school,and that these relationships last a lifetime. Kate turns her head slightly, trying not to look interested. "Who would you say your best friends at school are, Kate?" Suddenly,my sister's face got all red and she began shrieking in a most unpleasant manner,"You are ALWAYS judging my FRIENDS!! It's MY LIFE! Why don't YOU just STAY OUT OF IT!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated G Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane,so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The planeis very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?" Not thinking clearly, I responded, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 11:44 AM                        Rated G This Story is in circulation on the Web. I guess it's true until proven false. New York -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256! Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44- year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider. "But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments,which simply can't be pure luck. "The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information.He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources." The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left mostthere so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment." In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However,he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works,supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands." Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus.Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002." Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments. :eek"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated G Strode on Internet BUNNY FUNNY A friend of mine used to work at the local animal shelter.They looked after all kinds of sick,injured and abandoned animals.My friend however hated small animals,small dogs,rodents and rabbits. One day a rabbit was brought in with rabies. My friend fell in love with it,rabies having an odd effect of a rabbit's temperament,changing it completely.Other thanthe fact that it was always running very fast,it had the most pleasant personality.She decided to take the rabbit home and care for it. Time passed and every time a rabbit with rabies was brought into the shelter she would take it home.To this day she has hundreds of these rabbits. She has a rapid rabid rabbit habit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 11:29 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS -- (New York Times) Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 06:43 AM                        Rated G Philip in Las Vegas One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant.During a medical convention at the hotel,she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish. "Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker. "Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's just what the doctor ordered!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 06:03 AM                        Rated G AJS in Old Lyme, CT "As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memoto the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable,and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,hetold me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.A month later, I resigned. In accordance withcompany policy, I created my resignation memo bypasting words together from the Sunday paper." Taco Bell Corporation [ 05-31-2003, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Because our dog, Felix, travels with us in the car, my husband and I give him sugarless mints to sweeten his doggy breath.Soon he developed a taste for them. One day while my husband and I were out in the country,we let Felix run off the leash and he began wandering away.I yelled to him: stop! stay! come! but he ignored me and kept running about. Finally, unable to think of anything else,I shouted,"Who wants a breath mint?" He stopped dead in his tracks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated G I'm the only female working at a lumberyard.While waiting on a customer who needed some ash lumber cut down to size,I called back to the yard over the loudspeaker: "I'm sending someone for a piece of ash." I immediately realized that it sounded as if I'd made a sexual innuendo with a lisp,but it was too late. The loudspeaker could be heard for three blocks, and my coworkers spent the rest of the day heckling me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 10:26 PM                        Rated G When my sister's husband died,she went to the bank to put his affairs in order. The young clerk looked up their joint account and then asked, "Which of you is deceased?"  |  IP: Logged

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