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Author
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Topic: True Stories
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Mathew Molloy
Master Film Handler
Posts: 357
From: The Santa Cruz Mountains
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted 03-18-2003 11:41 AM
RATED PG
COURTHOUSE BLOOPERS
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-19-2003 02:42 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) JoEllen in Indianapolis
My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern
Indiana. She was on duty one night when there came a call of
a "domestic disturbance".The custom was that an ambulance was
dispatched to accompany all of these calls received by the
police.She arrived just behind the policeman. \When they got out
of their vehicles, a woman's voice could be heard screaming from
inside the back of the house.
The policeman broke open the front door,and the screaming
intensified.As they ease their way through the house to the
master bedroom the screaming kept getting louder and louder. When they opened the bedroom door,the first thing they saw as a naked woman,spread eagle on the bed and tied hand and foot to the four corners of the bed.The lady saw the policeman and my sister-in-law, and shut up,and then started babbling. At this point my sister-in-law was the first to see him.
Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a Batman cape and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from a wound above his left eye. When he was rolled over,he was
recognized as the mayor,and the lady was not his wife.When it
was sorted out,they were participating in some sex role playing.
And, when the mayor got up on the end of the bed, he had been
struck in the head by the ceiling fan, knock unconscious, the
lady though he had been killed,and had started screaming because she did not want to lay there forever.
The mayor begged,pleaded,and ordered that no one talk.But,a
few days later when he stopped in to a local dinner for
breakfast,the customers began humming the Batman theme. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-02-2003 07:36 AM
Rated G
I took a picture of my husband's backside as he was stepping out
of the shower and then forgot about it.A few months passed and I needed to shop for picnic supplies for our 4th of July family
barbeque and my sister-in-law accompanied me. As I walked out the door my husband called out,"Don't forget to pick up beer."
I picked up everything I needed, beer included,at Lucky's
market.The checker, when he got to the beer, asked me for ID.
Being 36 at the time I was both surprised and flattered. I pulled out my wallet,flipped it open to my license without looking at it and held it out to the checker. The weirdest expression crossed his face and I said,"What,what's wrong?"
He just looked at me without replying so I turned the wallet
toward me to see why he was behaving so oddly. My license photo,
which I had not looked at for months, had been very neatly pasted over with that picture of my husband's hairy butt. I showed it to my sister in-law and we both began laughing like lunatics. I was so hysterical I had trouble writing out the check.Both of us were still laughing when we walked out the door.The clerk,who I'm convinced was lobotomized, never even cracked a smile.
When I returned home,I joined my husband in the backyard,as he
was fine tuning the barbeque.
"Did you remember to get the beer?", he asked.
"Yep," I replied, "Got carded too."
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me for a couple of
seconds and then fell on the ground laughing. He'd done the dirty deed so long ago that he'd forgotten about it until then. Thank God I wasn't pulled over by a cop!
Anonymous Author I wonder Why!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-02-2003 10:09 AM
Rated G Greg
A Really True Tale... Gotta watch those convertibles
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a
drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible,with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as
they drove along.
While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies whilelaying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly,the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car,landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you
pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer
responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for
other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out
of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk,
trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof
of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name,
Sir. ...Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch!
Sir, I was referring to the dog!.. Oh... Her name is Maisy. What
do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your
ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite
your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-02-2003 10:55 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Ladies, today we find out you're damned if you do and damned if
you don't. Read on.........
Today the Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition.
This is the 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon.:
"The First Time's Always the Worst"
The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine
catches on fire.
That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of
Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow,
right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of
your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think
my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's
Secret doesn't have a bra for that.
Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my
right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still
flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.
" Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"
OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.
I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even
Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).
I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached
epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from
behind the partition. "This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't
die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of
death: breast entrapment?
I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate.
An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet.
"Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my
imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take
the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"
I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking
lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for
a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.
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