Here is my most embarassing moment as a parent.

I am a mother of two girls, and when my first one was 13, I decided that I would tell her about the facts of life.

I went through everything I could even fathom.

Well, I am an apartment manager, and one weekend my parents(whom my dad is a baptist preacher) came to visit. My parents and I took the girls out to the pool at the apartments (of which the pool was full of residents) to swim.

We were sitting at a table talking when my daughter pops up out of the middle of the pool and yells "MOM? "

I answered "Yes dear" and she yelled "What's masturbation?"

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.

When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.

For a few seconds,I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

I Love Mustard

If you have children you will probably relate to this father...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

In a restaurant in Maine the waitress was serving a table next to us. As she bent over, a dish of food slipped off her arm and flopped upside down on the table covering one of the customers laps.

I work for a well known Seafood Restaurant, One of my co-workers asked me to bring a tray of food to a table for her.

I brought the tray to the table and asked who had what.

The man looked up at me and in a very loud voice said I have the steak and my wife here has crabs.

I was explaining to my 3 year old daughter the importance of not using the Lord's name in vain.

"Instead," I told her, "say 'goodness' or gosh.'"

One evening as I walked past her room, I heard her talking. I paused and looked in to see her looking at the ceiling, and I heard her say, "What did you say?"

I said, "Honey, who are you talking to?"

She looked at me as if she was afraid to answer.

I said, "It's okay, honey. You can tell me who you're talking to."

True story from the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press

When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip.

This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband."

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions.

Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

I have a very outgoing 5 year old daughter. She tell's it like it is, all the time. One day she was drawing picture's of her family, mommy, daddy, brother and sister.

This is a true story. When my friend Julie's son got engaged to a young lady who is hearing impaired, Julie wanted to learn how to sign so she could communicate a few phrases to the girl's parents, who were also deaf, and who were joining Julie and her husband for dinner to get acquainted. Her son was quite proficient by now in
sign language, so he managed to teach Julie to sign a few words.

At the dinner, Julie was quite animated. She and the girl's parents exchanged pleasantries through sign language, and the young couple beamed approvingly at their respective parents. The waiter brought salads and set them down by the dinner plates. Then Julie signed, "I'm hungry, aren't you?" The girl's parents' expressions suddenly changed from polite smiles to horrified glances at one another.

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg
and came into our insurance office to file a disability
claim.

As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to
cook."

When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, "What are
the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned.

"Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained,"but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleep overs would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that
moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me
the four rolls of quarters.

Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss.

"Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

My son was attending a lab class at Cobleskill SUNY where he was taking a pre-veterinarinary course. There were about 160 students in the auditorium.

The professor was discussing the reproductive internals of a cow and was describing the womb and the cervix.

My son raised his hand and was recognized by the professor. He stood up and said,"Now I know what my father has been talking about for so many years. He is a traveling salesman and stays in hotels most of the week. He is always speaking of womb cervix at the hotel".

The class was only in the first 10 minutes of the lecture. The entire audience was in an uproar as was the professor.

The professor canceled the rest of the lecture because he could not contain the audience. He asked my son to stay after all others had left. The professor said to my son,"That was very funny and I could not stop laughing to conduct the rest of the lecture so I canceled it.

Please make those kinds of remarks at the end of a lecture from here on in."