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Topic: True Stories
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-17-2003 06:35 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Tim in Colorado
Knowing that my fiance's mother is an avid bird-watcher, I
planned an intimate get-to-know-you picnic for the three of us at Dream Canyon in Colorado. I'd heard a rumor that nude sunbathers sometimes frequented the place,but having been
there twice and never seen one,I tagged the location as safe.
Fifteen minutes into our picnic,our idyllic spot was overrun with nude men.
Aghast,we ate quickly,and then I ushered my future mother-in-law toward the exit.
On our way out,I spotted a native bird in atree and said, "Look, Mom, it's a Colorado downy woodpecker."
She replied, "Well, we've seen a lot of native Colorado peckers today, haven't we?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bill Gabel
Film God
Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted 07-09-2003 08:33 PM
At The Bank Rated PG-13
From an article which appeared about a bank robbery on March 2nd.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underwasy immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cranked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find any money or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headling read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-10-2003 12:11 PM
Rated G
My mother was taking a night course at a local university.My
sister and I were about 6 and 8, respectively, so my mother
always tried to park near her class so that we wouldn't have to
walk far at night downtown.One night she was waiting for a
parking space, and a young student whipped into the space before
my mother could pull in.When my mother stepped out and said
that she had been waiting for the space,the young girl made an
obscene gesture.
My mother said,in the tone only mothers can produce, "You can
have the space,but if you leave your car, I will let all of the
air out of your tires." The co-ed looked at the security officer who was standing on the sidewalk watching this and said, "Can she do that?"The officer,who had witnessed the whole thing, smiled and said,"Not while I'm on duty.But I may not be here for long."
Cursing,the co-ed pulled her car out and drove away.When my
mother got out, with my sister and me in tow,she thanked the
guard and he said,"Don't worry about your car. I'll be here for
hours."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-18-2003 07:50 AM
Rated G
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat,named
Felix,who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.
One cool October evening,he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days.The following spring,,however,
Felix reappeared,looking healthy and clean.She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.Everything was back to normal until that autumn,when Felix disappeared again.The next spring,he returned.Perplexed,my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues.Finally,she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.
"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh,yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold,so we bought a cat carrier.We take him to Florida with us every winter."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-24-2003 10:30 AM
Rated G Donna in San Diego
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger
woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to
remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out
and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this,but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal
belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day,she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished,she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for
the first few days.Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned,
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought
in, the carpets were replaced,and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The
Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job,
taking everything to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-31-2003 10:28 AM
Rated G Michele in Arizona
A San Diego woman purchased a large cactus during the redecoration of her home.The huge cactus was a fitting centerpiece for her "New Southwest" look, and she was quite happy with her $3,000 purchase ---- for a while.
A few days later,she noticed that the big cactus seemed to be
swaying ...and humming.
Bewildered and not knowing where else to turn, she dialed 9-1-1
and - fortunately for her - got an operator who knew what this
uncactuslike behavior meant.She was told to clear out of the
house immediately - like right now! - and wait for an emergency
team.The responding five man team had just enough time to move
the huge cactus into the back yard before it burst wide open,
scattering about a thousand tarantulas in all directions.
The nursery where she had purchased the cactus refunded her $3,000 and paid for exterminator service for the entire block.
When asked later how her plants were, the lady replied, "Plastic and silk,thank you!"
The fashion of using cacti for home decoration is fairly new, but tarantulas have been using them for mass breeding farms for a long,long time.
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