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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 09:40 AM                        Rated G Prosecutors grilled Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon; then they let him off the hook for hitting one of the Milwaukee Brewers' Sausage mascots with his bat. Simon says he didn't mean to hit the woman, who was among four team employees dressed as an oversized bratwurst, a hot dog, and Italian and Polish sausages in a race past the Pirates' dugout between the sixth and seventh innings. Simon took a half swing at the Italian sausage, hitting her from behind. When she fell, she knocked over the woman dressed as the hot dog. "This is one of the most outrageous things that I've ever seen-- inside or outside a ballpark," said Rick Schlesinger, a Brewers' executive. and the story kept running: Sausage Should Be Eaten, Not Beaten A Cheesy Run-in With a Sausage What a Weenie: Pirate Strikes Sausage  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:47 AM                        Rated G B.B. New Milford, Connecticut (AP): Loretta Morris works at the Northville Market."We have a policy in our store to ask for a driver's license when someone buys lottery tickets, cigarettes or alcohol," Morris said Tuesday. But one customer last Tuesday decided not to produce a picture ID to purchase a $5 Silver Bells scratch-off Connecticut state lottery ticket. Morris said the customer told her to "stick the ticket," when she asked for proof he was 18. At the end of her shift she decided to just buy the ticket instead of putting it back and having a loose ticket in the store. She took the ticket home where she scratched the ticket, which had three chances to win. Morris had almost given up when the little scratch-off wrapped present and the Christmas tree didn't yield prizes,but the third little scratch-off box made her an instant winner. On Friday,she and her husband traveled an hour to New Britain's lottery office and returned with a check for $17,501 after federal and state taxes. Source: White Board News  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:10 AM                        Rated G Eugene in Iowa My wife, Carol, and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. Carol took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money,and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a $60 hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45. Later he said,"What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:15 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Answers to questions you never asked. In George Washington's days,there were no cameras.One's image was either sculpted or painted.Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.Arms and legs are "limbs" therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression:"Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." ************************************** As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed so to clean them, they could carve out a loaf of bread! , put the wig in the shell and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig". Today, we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy. **************************************** In the late 1700s many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining.The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in awhile an invited guest (who was almost always a man) would be offered to sit in this chair during a meal To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man". Today, in business, we use the expression/title "Chairman...or Chairman of the Board". ************************************** Needless to say,personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result,many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax."Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile."Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression, losing face.? **************************************** Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced". ************************************** Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of spades". To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck". ************************************** Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were actually combined when referring to the local opinion and thus, we have the term gossip."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2004 08:18 AM                        Rated G Michele On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 01:25 PM                        Rated G Caroline in Kentucky Years ago,while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine,the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests.The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation,everyone commented on how delicious it was,and the hostess beamed at all the compliments.One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush,and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms.This was an extremely unpleasant experience.We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2004 10:03 AM                        Rated G Name Changed to protect the embarrased Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.She baked anangel food cake and when she took it from the oven,the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear,there's no time to bake another cake." So,she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom,a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,"What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you,I baked it myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2004 10:06 AM                        Rated G George in Iowa My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around,I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs.Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm,I said to my wife,"I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the prosperous, reunion crowd, then back at me, and said, "And you're the only one who has to."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2004 03:27 PM                        Rated G Sandy in Kansas Our state, like most in cooler climates,has a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning about 3AM my trooper friend Bill was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on I-35 north of Salina,Ks. Bill located the car still running, it's high centered in the snow. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Bill walks to the drivers door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. Bill taps on the window and the driver wakes up, sees the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and Bill standing next to his car. The man panics,he jerks the gearshift into drive and hits the gas.The cars speedometer is showing 10-20-30, now 50 miles per hour but he's still stuck in the snow. Bill having a sense of humor begins running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car.The driver is totally freaked thinking Bill is actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 20 seconds when Bill yells at the guy ordering him to "pull over".This guy obeys and turns his wheel and stops the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asks about the trooper's special training and just how can he run 50 miles per hour.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2004 02:20 PM                        Rated G Sally in Beantown One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six- year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2004 10:24 AM                        Rated G Michele A gas station owner called and stated he had approximately $300 missing from his cash register. He had all his employees remain at the gas station. When I arrived, I lined up the four employees, all between the ages of seventeen to nineteen. I asked each of them who took the money. No one admitted the theft, so I told them in a few minutes I would know, because the money had been treated with dye - and when the theif's hands sweat, the dye turns blue. One of the boys with his hands at his sides immediately looked down at his right hand . I pulled him aside and he admitted taking the money which was returned to the owner. Story courtesy Det. Lt. C.R.Poshadlo, Retired  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 02:54 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did. On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to order a glass of wine. Sometime passed with no untoward consequences. Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "James, I don't have a headache tonight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:05 AM                        Rated G Judy My brother Joe, in his early 20s, works for an air-conditioning company and looks so youthful that customers sometimes refer to him as "that kid." Concerned he wasn't being taken seriously,he grew a mustache to make himself look older. I asked him if his new appearance made a difference in the way his clients treated him. "It sure does," Joe replied. "Now they call me 'that kid with a mustache.' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:20 AM                        Rated G Richard As my 21th birthday approached, my father asked me what I would like on that special day. I asked for a world of peace. I was amazed to find my prized stereo removed from my room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:22 AM                        Rated G George in South Carolina I was scheduled to leave on a 5 a.m. flight and had asked my 20- year-old son to drive me to the airport. After much prodding that morning, I finally managed to get him to the car. Within a few minutes, the sun broke over the horizon on one of the nicest mornings of the year. "What a gorgeous sunrise," I remarked to my son. "I wouldn't know," he sleepily replied, "I have nothing to compare it to."  |  IP: Logged

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