My husband and I had been married for about a year when my brother-
in-law, a career Navy man, stationed in Guam at the time,called to
tell us that he was marrying a Chinese-Maylasian girl he met there.

My mother-in-law flew to Guam for the wedding and on her return
all she could talk about was how sweet and refined the girl was
and how careful we had to be when they came home for Christmas not
to offend her sensibilities. She was really worried about me, I
think, because she hadn't yet quite come to grips with the fact
that I hung out of helicopters with a camera and traveled with an
all male camera crew for a living.

When they arrived for Christmas my mother-in-law had a large
reception for them and everything went well until she ask her new-
daughter in-law how their trip to the states went. Well, this
lovely soft spoken girl, with the face of an angel, launched into
a story, in the finest navy language, with a broken accent, I have
ever heard. "Dat som-o-beech he fart on plane, it smell sooo' bad
all people have to move, den dat mudder-f--ker he jus' sit there
an' laugh. I tell him, I keeck his ass but I afraid I get sheet
on my shoe."

My poor mother-in-law turned white, then red, and every else tried
to stifle giggles or act as if they didn't hear it. Of course I,
being devoid of any social graces, just roared and hugged my new
sister-in-law, while assuring her the gas problem ran in the
family.

We have been great friends ever since and my sweet mother-in-law
has finally gotten over the shock of it all.

I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill
behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr.
Allen, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr.
Allen walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his
hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to
embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving
you a tip."

This is a true story.

My daddy was reading the mail at the table one day at lunch time.

My brother and his friend had been working on the farm for daddy
that day and they were eating with the family. Daddy was recoving
from surgery. He opened a bill from the hospital and, as we all
usually do, was complaining about the charges.

He said, "Well, I'll be damned. They charged me for three enemas and they nevereven gave me one.

Sunday a friend of ours, her husband and three year old daughter
come over for lunch.

While we were eating the conversation turned to the middle east crisis and terrorists.

During a pause in the conversation, this innocent blue eyed blond little girl solemnly asked, "Did anyone catch that Somma Bech Laden", we all tried not to laugh, "out of the mouths of babes", is all I could manage to say.

TACO HELL
by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.

Server: "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."

Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [My emphasis]

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

Me: "Well, here's a two."

Manager: "We don't take *those* either."

Me: "Why the hell not?"

Manager: "I think you *know* why."

Me: "No really, tell me, why?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What the hell for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."

Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]

Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

Security: "Really? What?"

Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."

Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]

Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"

Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"

Security: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Security: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."

Security: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

McDonald's is now accepting graduates of the following skools of higher edukation ..........

~Salsa Rancho College
~Reboot University
~Slick State University
~Innuendo Night College
~World Global University
~Sweet Dill Junior College
~North by Northeastern U.
~Kansas Pacific University
~Texas Aunt Em College
~University of California at Sunset
~Massachusetts Institute of Trees
~St. Cunnilingus Day School
~College of the Equator
~Pungent University of the West
~Shoe Fly Pie Academy
~Menthol State University
~Bay Rum Polytechnic University
~Yahoo College of Atlantis
~Exterior Latex School of Art
~Moon River Divinity School
~Clinica Veterinaria de Brazil
~Louisiana College of Dentistry & Dressmaking
~Uganda U.
~Hash Brown University
~Upstairs Downstairs on the Right College
~Simple Simian School of Tax Fraud
~Plagiarism Creative Writing College
~Degree Mill of Miami Beach

Anonymous Author

I'm the postmaster for a small town in Pennsylvania.One of my
regular customers,Jeff,bought several sheets of newly released
commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left,a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning,I gave Jeff the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know,"Jeff said to me,"I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."

A young man was driving South, out of town, when he came up on an old pickup going a lot slower, about thiry miles an hour. He was coming up fast and figured he'd just pass the old codger by. At the last second, the old truck turned left in front of him and the collision was unavoidable.

The young man explained the tale to the officer, telling him there was no turn signal or even a hand signal to warn him about the turn.

When the elderly gentleman was asked about signaling, he said "I've turned here EVERYDAY for the last SIXTY years! Why should I have to tell any body?"

Now this is a REAL hockey fan!!

Told by an eye-witness at a Calgary Flames hockey game!

I am here to tell the tale of naked guy...

This guy was sitting exactly 2 rows down from me tonight. So he was 7th row, seat 18, section 119.

He jumped up in the third period, and starting ripping his shirt off. I thought he was going to start waving it, and screaming go Flames go, but this was not the case.

He made his way to the stairwell which was two seats away from him, and ripped his pants down. He then kicked his shoes off, and started violently trying to kick his pants off, shit from his pockets flying everywhere.

Now naked, the guy runs down towards the ice. A kid about 13 years old is ice level on the corner of the row. He watches in horror as naked guy charges down the stairs towards him. The kid jumps up as naked guy's package confronts him. They juke right, then left, trying to madly avoid one another.

Naked guy charges the penalty box glass, and on the other side, the timekeeper charges the glass to stop naked guys assault. When naked guy jumps up on the glass, his unit has a staring contest with the timekeeper, who obviously backs down in defeat.

Naked guy straddles the glass, his package just missing being seperated from his body by mere inches. Naked guy climbs over the glass, then climbs onto the glass to the ice, and jumps onto the ice, suddenly disappearing from our view. When he didn't reappear, I thought he might be dead.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

On a cold Thanksgiving morning when I was 7, the whole family was at my grandparents for the Holiday meal.My three crazy country cousins and I went outside while dinner was being cooked, looking for something to do.We tried to get Grampa's old cow dog to play fetch, but he just crawled under the porch to get away from us, so we decided to go down to the stock pond and throw rocks. We weren't
supposed to go there without an adult with us, so we took a round
about way behind the barn so they could't see us.

About three quarters of the way to the pond we saw grampa's Jersey bull,we didn't think anything about it because the bull had always
been gentle. For some reason that day the bull was mad as hell and
suddenly bellowed and came charging toward us. We were too far from the fence to make it back, so we ran to the pond, where an old wooden row boat was on the bank. We all pushed the boat into the pond and jumped in, just in the nick of time.

The bull raged and threw dirt over his head and refused to go away, the old boat was taking on water fast. Just as we thought we were all going to drown or freeze to death in the pond, Grampa's old cow dog came flying down the hill right toward the bull. The bull charged at him, but cow dog just flattened himself on the ground and slipped sidways, nipping the bulls flank as he passed by.

We jumped to the shore just as the boat went under and ran, wet and
cold, screaming to the fence. Cow dog stayed between us and the bull all the way. When we got to the fence Grampa came running, he had heard the bull and when he came out to see what was wrong he heard us screaming.He herded us into the house and went back out for cow dog.

We were just about to be in real trouble with Mom and Grandmother when Grampa came in with cow dog, He put a stop to our punishment and informed Grandmother that cow dog was having turkey and gravy
with the family that day.

We sure loved Grampa, and cow dog.

My husband-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license.After recording the vital information--names,dates of birth,etc.

The clerk handed me our license and deadpanned,"No refunds,no exchanges,no warranties."

When I got home yesterday after shopping, I found a message on my
answering machine. It was from a friend of mine who's been looking for a job. She said that she had to put down the names of three people as personal references (non-family members) on her application, and she used my name. It was only to verify that she
was honest and trustworthy.

She added, "They also had a form for you to sign, but I couldn't find you. So I forged your signature."

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