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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 03:14 AM                        Rated G A profesor at the University of Pennsylvania was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures. At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase. For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball. On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run!The winning team stood and cheered wildly. Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 07:26 AM                        Rated G JG One summer when I was still in college, I got a job working on a film crew as a gofer.They were shooting in a job in Oklahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies. On the flight there I started to feel sick but just marked it up to motion sickness.Later, however I got so much worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they admitted me, and decided I had to have an emergency appendectomy.My boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery. When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a 4 bed ward.They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. Late in the day a young nurses aid came in to get me up,I was sore and drowsy and resisted."Come on, now" she said "we'll go see your baby." "MY BABY" I shouted "I'm not even married, I don't have a baby." She looked shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering, she said " There now let's don't get upset,I'll call a nurse to talk to you." Shortly a very kind nurse came in and started asking me questions that made me realize that she thought I was an unmarried mother. Just when I thought I was going to completely loose it, my boss arrived. "Well how are you feeling?"she asked "Crazy as hell" I said, "Get me out of here, before these people give me a baby to take home." When my boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it,well she did,laughing was tough on my stitches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 06:02 PM                        Rated G :)Frank - True story Back in my younger years (way, way back), my wife and I worked together at Burlington Yarn Co. in North or South Carolina. The factory took cotton and made it into thread and yarn. We worked the 11:00 to 7:00 shift. I worked at at one end of the factory and my wife worked at the other. One night I had gotten my machines upand running and had about an hour to kill before changing them out. Well, on the machines next to mine, worked this pretty petite blond . She stood about 5'1". She had her machines up and running also, so naturally we started talking. She was standing with her back to her machine, sort of leaning back against it. I stood facing her with my back to the aisle and my one arm leaning against her machine above her head. I was 6'2" so her head came up to just below my arm. After about a half hour it was break time, so I went out to the break room to meet my wife. I waited till break was over, but she never showed up. Never thought nothing of it, she had 5 or 6 friends so I thought she was with them or had trouble with her machine. I went back to my machine and changed the spools out and got it running again. I went to talk to the blond again, but when she saw me coming, she took off in the opposite direction. She did it everytime she saw me. I thought, oh well what the heck and didn't pay any mind. At the end of our shift, my wife her friends would go to this restaurant for breakfast and I would meet them there. This time as I entered the restaurant, they started playing Dolly Partons song "Sweet Thing",and started laughing and calling me sweet thing. It still didn't dawn on me what was happening. Come to find out, my wife had been watching the blond and me up the aisle. At break, she cornered theblond behind one of the machines, and had given her a very verbal warning about not ever so much as looking in my direction again, which explained the blonds behavior after break and the rest of the time we worked there. From that day on, everyone in the plant called me sweet thing, including the foreman and most of the office staff. Very embarrassing, especially when announced over the loud speaker,"Will sweet thing please report to the office immediately."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 07:32 AM                        Rated G Jim An acquaintance of mine was about to visit his daughter in South Africa.But he was very concerned that the medication he was taking would prevent him from leading a normal routine while he was there - it said on the box "Keep out of bright sunlight"! He said he'd have to take the medicine at night and he'd stay in the shade during the day!! I told my wife this story. She said in that case she can't go to work tomorrow - she's a teacher. I asked why and she said that it says on her medicine box "Keep away from children"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 06:32 PM                        Rated G A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail: "Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult, to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 01:04 PM                        Rated G Fred in Iowa My Grandmother, to my knowledge, never drank liquor in her life, at least on purpose. She was a very gentle and proper lady, a pillar of her church and the community. In those days door to door salesmen were welcomed, out in the country and none more so than the Watkin's Man. He was almost regarded as a guest and was frequently invited to eat a meal when he visited with his wares. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left, such as a thimble or pot holder. One of his products was an elixir for general health and nervous conditions. With two of her sons in the service, during WW-2, she was worried and depressed, so she bought a big bottle of this elixir and took it as directed. Lo and behold she did feel happier, as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my Mom read the fine print on the bottle to discover that the stuff was 40% achohol. Alarmed, she told my grampa, who grinned and said "Now let's just keep this between you and me honey, I'm enjoying your mother's happy times.".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 01:43 PM                        Rated G When my wife and I moved to El Paso, Texas, from the East Coast, we fell in love with the change of scenery: the desert, the beautiful sunsets, the wonderful Southwestern vistas. When a native Texan asked what we thought of the area, I told him that I was impressed with the climate and the scenery, but I missed the beach. "But we have lots of beaches near El Paso," he said. "We just lack an ocean."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 07:08 AM                        Rated G My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a15-year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang,and the boy's mother reached over to pick it up. After talking for a few minutes,the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said,"Your dad is asking if you've got any cute nurses." The boy gazed at the nurse,who had the needle poised above his arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him,"he replied,"they're absolutely gorgeous."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 11:49 AM                        Rated PG Life's Embarrasing Moments Anonymous Author It was a hot day one August when my mom's cousin had a problemwith the electrical system. Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician, her husband called to have him come check the breaker box which was in the kitchen closet. He told the electrician that his wife would not be there so he would have to let himself into the house by the kitchen door. She had a medical appointment that day and was running late. When she went in to take a shower, she realized that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen to grab the bar of soap. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. On hot summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little box on the porch. She knew she did not have time to run back through the kitchen before he would open the door. So she just stepped into the kitchen closet to await his exit. To her horror the electrician opened the closet door! At which she blurted, "Oh, no! I thought you were the milk man!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:12 PM                        Rated PG George in Chicago At dinner one night, my sister's kids asked, "Daddy, why do you call Mommy honey?" "Mommy is my honey," he said (rather sappily, but that's the kind of guy he is). The kids picked up the metaphor and innocently ran with it. "Mommy's your honey! You spread her and eat her!" My sister and her husband were unable to look at each other for the duration of the meal, lest they crack up and then have to explain why.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2002 02:59 PM                        Rated G Since my 16-year-old son recently received a prepaid cell phone as a gift, I've asked him to use it to call home if he's out past his curfew. One Saturday night while waiting up for him, I dozed off in front of the TV. Later I woke to realize that there was no sign of him, and there had been no call. Irate, I punched in his number.When he answered,I demanded, "Where are you,and why haven't you bothered to call?" "Dad,"he sleepily replied,"I'm upstairs in bed.I've been home for an hour."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2002 08:45 AM                        Rated G Brian in London It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other. Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. On the second try the dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. The telephone repairman climbed down from the pole to investigate and found: 1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar. 2. The dog was receiving a 90 volt signaling current. 3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground. 4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 12:05 PM                        Rated G Manny in Colorado I was attending school down in southern Colorado one spring, and I was driving back to my dorm room when I saw a snake on the side of the road. Picturing how much fun I was going to have scaring my roommates (who were deathly afraid of snakes) I jumped out and approached the snake. As I drew nearer the snake coiled up instead of running. It was waving its head back and forth and I was wondering if the snake was getting dizzy. None the less, I knew that most gardner snakes did not do this, so I took of my shoe and stuck it by the snakes head. To my surprise the snake bit the shoe, and I could see two fang marks with a liquid surrounding them. THEN the snake whipped out the tail that it had been sitting on and started rattling it. I promptly left.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 12:56 PM                        Rated G I was given a new cellular phone for Christmas. I was just sitting there when a noise came from my pocket.Who could be calling me?I had not given the new number to anyone. I push the button and a recorded voice told me I had voice mail but I had to activate my voice mail first.The next 5 minutes were spent following the steps outlined by the “ voice”. At the end I was allowed to answer my voice message. This was it: “ Ed,this is Agnes and I am waiting were we agreed to meet.Are you coming? I have not heard from you? I am on my third drink. If I do not hear from you soon I am going home with the fellow who is buying the drinks.” My name is not Ed and I do not know any one named Agnes but I am sure when she finally contacts Ed he is going to be sure she has his correct number.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 01:49 PM                        Rated G Out of the mouths of babes.............. I was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone. After severalminutes of searching, her young daughtersaid, "You know what they should invent?A phone that stays connected to it's base so it never gets lost.  |  IP: Logged

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