One weekend I was housesitting for my mother. She had a plant in
her living room that was very beautiful.

After two days, I thought the plant might be a little thirsty. I went to the kitchen and got a big pitcher and filled it with water.

I went back to the living room, which if I did not mention before was carpeted, and poured the pitcher of water into the plants pot.

When my mother came home she stepped inside the door, into a wet spot on the floor. When my mother stepped into the wet spot she said, What the hell is wet?!, the plant was sitting in the middle of the wet spot.

Then she said, Brandy...have you watered this plant?

I answered her with a look of innocence thinking I had done something good that would make her proud of me I said, yeah..I watered the plant.

Thats when my mother looked at me very calmly at first and then just starting to bust a gut laughing and screamed out in a sentence of laughter, That plant is not even real!

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

In the mid-eighties, when it was still fashionable to sell weapons to the war-torn Middle East, Britain shipped 6 Harrier jump jets to Syria.

During delivery, these were landed in an airfield in Cyprus for the night, where they were to be guarded by a crack squad of local Greek soldiers.

Sadly, this turned out to mean a couple of bored squaddies, one of
whom decided to impress his mate by doing "pull-ups" on the nose
cone of one of the £20 million planes.

However, the radar spike proved to be less sturdy than he'd imagined, and it immediately bent down 90 degrees, resisting all attempts to straighten it again.

Panicking at the damage he'd caused, the un-named private then adopted a course of action worthy of the Victoria Cross for stupidity.

I told my husband I would be in the bathroom. I had no sooner sat
down when a roll of thunder rumbled through.

The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to
take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using
a basin and washcloth.

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The
one asked, "Are you going to be able to manage OK?"

I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be
kind enough to get in the shower with me."

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the
boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA.

ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA."

I was helping my friend make dolls for her grandchildren. As we were painstakingly finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang. "Hi, Mom, what are you doing?" came my son's cheery voice.

Removing pins from my mouth, I answered, "Making babies."

There was a moment's silence at the other end. "Oh, Dad's home?"

When a friend, John, came to visit from Philadelphia, it took him awhile to get used to ourSouthern foods anbd accents. One morning we were having breakfast at a local diner and he ordered an egg platter that came with grits.

"Hominy?" inquired our waitress.

Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving.

In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm.

I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.

Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete, incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness.

He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service.So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute later he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was cloggingyour toilet." All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright red.

The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it.

"I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.' "