|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: True Stories
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-23-2003 05:25 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
MEATBALL MARAUDERS
Two robbers at a pizza parlor in Boston, Mass., took five
employees hostage, but allowed one to leave if he promised not to call the police. He broke that promise:as Johnathan Ortega, 23,and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, waited for the time-delay lock on the safe officers surrounded the building. When the robbers realized they were trapped,they tried to convince their hostages to tell police they were customers and that the robbers had left.
"They were telling us, 'Oh, please, help us! Tie us up!'," says
the manager. "One of them said, 'I've got kids, I don't want to
go to jail!' They made believe they were hostages, too."The
robbers hid their guns and the employees tied them up -- and then let the cops in to arrest them. (Boston Herald)
...Ortega and Correa are the sort of people that would have to be reincarnated twice to get all the way up to "dumb". ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 10-13-2003, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-13-2003 01:05 PM
Rated G :eek Michele
My aunt died this past January.CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... The part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will
care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy. 129 and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-29-2003 07:22 PM
Rated G Lorraine
CAKES AND ALE
Here is a true story regarding exams at Cambridge University. It
seems that during an examination one day a bright young student
popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The
following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir,I really must insist.I request and require that you
bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred
year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally
in effect,and pointed to the section which read (roughly
translated):"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale."
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent,and were
summarily delivered to the student's entire satisfaction.The
student sat there,writing his examination and happily slurping
away.
Three weeks later,the student received a note from the Bursar
(Treasurer).He had been fined five pounds for not wearing his
sword to the examination.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-31-2003 01:33 PM
Rated G LAS in CT.
----- HUNTERS THIS IS GREAT!!!!!
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Wisconsin:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter,and of course all the lakes are frozen.These two guys go out on the lake with their guns,a dog,and of course the new vehicle.They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now,they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks,something for the decoys to float on.In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on ,it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So,out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse.Now,these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,(and the new Navigator truck),are standing.
They don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle,the guns,and the dog?? Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used forRETRIEVING.Especially thing!s
thrown by the owner.You guessed it,the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice.
The two men yell,scream,wave their arms and wonder what to do now.The dog,cheered on,keeps coming.One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot,hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.The dog stops for a moment,slightly confused,but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog,still standing,becomes really confused and of course terrified,thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.The dog takes off to find cover,under the brand new Navigator truck.
The men continue to yell as they run.The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot,so the dog yelps!and drops the dynamite under the truck,and takes off after his master.Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole,leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED.He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well ---
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-07-2004 08:17 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Based on a true ER story.No idiot in his spare time could dream
this one up.
My brother in law's sister is an RN at a Chicago hospital.One
evening,when she was on emergency room duty,a young man came
waddling into the room assisted by his young wife."I want to
speak to the doctor," he says.
"Could you tell me what the problem is?" replied the woman behind the desk.
"I want to speak to the doctor," he replies.His wife begins to
snicker.Eventually the doctor comes and gets the story.The
couple are newlyweds. It was her birthday.The man decided to
surprise her.His plan was to insert a small birthday candle into
his erect penis,light it,and walk into the room singing,"Happy
birthday to you."
Well,when he inserted the little candle,he coughed,and the
candle was pulled out of sight.The efforts of his panic only
caused the candle to go down further.The doctor had to sedate him with valium and recruit several of the ER staff to assist in
extracting the candle.As the young woman assisted her wobbly
husband out to the car,the laughter from the ER could be heard
for blocks.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-09-2004 08:36 AM
Rated G alanv71
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from
someone,and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.
I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the
keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything.
By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.
"What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset.
"I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.
The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing
five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally,I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing.
After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny,I never got more than a C- in that class.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic