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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 08:15 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As A forestry-service employee, my sister recorded the rainfall in her area. One drizzly day,her thoughts were apparently elsewhere as she typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer. It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humour,for this message quickly appeared on the screen:"Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two. . . ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2004 08:03 AM                        Rated G The wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at her apartment. I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her. We chatted briefly. A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again. My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said, "Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-22-2004 05:26 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A box of raisins was usually kept in our office refrigerator for snacking. During the day, staff members would help themselves and, inevitably, some raisins dropped on the floor where they were stepped on and ground into the carpet. One morning we found this note, written by the cleaning woman, taped to the refrigerator door: "If you're trying to make wine, the grapes are too dry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-22-2004 05:39 PM                        Rated G Michele I attended a block watch captain meeting at the local police department. After 2 hours of sitting through a very interesting lecture we took a break. I went to the restrooms and saw a long line to the ladies room, I walked past them to the men's room and found the door locked, so I stood there until the door opened, and out walked a woman! She said, "Sorry, I had to go!" I said, "No problem, I understand!" I went into the room and when I came out I walked up to were she was sitting and told her, "You left the seat down!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 08:30 AM                        Rated G Deltona, Fla. - Talk about being in the right place at the right time. A woman in Kentucky happened to be watching a live in-home cam of her friend's home at the same time two armed burglars were breaking into the residence with a knife. When she noticed them removing electronic equipment, she notified police and described the break-in in detail as she watched it happen on her computer. "I would have called 911, but I'm calling from out of state," the woman told a sheriff's dispatcher. "I'm watching a friend's from a Web cam, and two men just broke into his house. They're in the house right now." The woman was able to provide dispatchers with a good physical and clothing description of the burglars before they noticed the cam and placed something over it to obstruct the view. Shortly after, officers caught the two teen suspects and they were taken into custody.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:56 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba A POSSUM STORY When you own a house, there is no shortage of unpleasant and disgusting tasks that must be performed on a regular basis. Eventually, individuals will handle those chores. For now, Pam and I divide the labor for disgusting tasks this way: Pam alerts me that a disgusting task must be performed, then I perform it. This system has worked well for spider assassinations, clogged shower drains, toxic spills, and all manner of cat box issues. Recently Pam alerted me that a possum was at the bottom of the swimming pool. My job was to get it out. This was my most challenging job yet. I can only handle seeing dead animals up to a certain size before I get a serious case of the heebie jeebies. I'm not too bothered looking at dead bugs and mice, under the theory that "they are little." But this possum was way above my heebie jeebie threshold. Worse yet, possums are notorious for pretending to be dead. I wasn't about to be fooled by the oldest trick in the animal kingdom. I looked carefully to see if the possum was breathing through a thin reed of some sort. I saw nothing. Nor did I see any air tanks or diving apparatus. The only possibility was that he was holding his breath. I checked the Internet to see how long a possum can hold its breath. Apparently much research needs to be done in that area. As luck would have it, today was the day the pool cleaning service was scheduled to clean the pool. If I pretended I didn't know there was a possum down there, the pool guy would have to fish it out. That way HE would be the one embarrassed by the possum's trickery. The only problem with that approach is that if the possum was really dead, the pool guy would have to leave it somewhere. He certainly wasn't going to take it with him in the truck. ("Here, little buddy, you ride shotgun.") If I were the pool guy, I'd be mad that I had to take a possum out of a pool. For revenge, I'd try to think up a funny place to put it, like in the hammock. So I decided to take care of the job myself. I took the pool- cleaning apparatus that has a shallow net on the end of a long pole. That is the preferred tool for possum removal. Not only can it reach the bottom of the pool, but because it's long, it has the leverage you need to fling the possum over the fence and into the neighbor's pool. This method worked well. The only problem is that every other day the possum is back in my pool. I expect some tension at the next neighborhood block party.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:23 AM                        Rated G Reported by Michele A Texas deliveryman crashed his van two hours after his bosses gave him a safe driving award. Steve Eagling had just received a $100 gift voucher by his employers. They were impressed at his 12-year accident-free driving record. The 37-year-old said, "I'll never live it down."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:30 AM                        Rated R Michele LONDON (Reuters) - Customers of British cable firm NTL were subjected to a barrage of profanity after a malicious hacker or disgruntled employee changed the company's telephone service message, the Sun said in its Monday edition. The newspaper reported that customers who called to report a fault with their service were told: "You are through to NTL customer services. We don't give a (expletive) about you. We are never here. We just (expletive) you about, basically, and we are not going to handle any of your complaints. Just (expletive) off and leave us alone." NTL was unavailable for comment late on Sunday but the Sun said the message had now been changed and an NTL spokesman had apologized for the matter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:39 AM                        Rated G Nancy in Dallas My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60s music. They recently got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town. When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back and saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were... The reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:46 AM                        Rated PG Alan71 True story. I went down my brother's (Paul)house to invite him to a family get together. He has a Staffordshire bull terrier which is daft as a brush. Anyway he starts off by licking my face and I find out that he's just had his dinner and now I stink of dogfood, then he settles down and me and Paul are nattering when we suddenly start choking, Harry has announced that he's pleased to see me by farting and the smell is eyewatering, Paul aims the air freshener but Harry has managed to chew a hole in it so we have to just grin and bare it. Then he decides to jump up on me knees and settles down on me lap, only to position himself between me and the tele programme what I was watching. No amount of coaxing and punching shifts him and I have to sit there in the hope he doesn't blaw off again. 10 minutes later and he jumps down for me in time to watch the credits rolling down the screen. Less than 5 minutes later and I start gagging as Harry makes another anal announcement.... My eyes are watering like I don't know what , doesn't help that I'm allergic to dogs eaither and I decide that it's time to leave. Brilliant fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A car with a Massachusetts licence plate drove up to the Canada Customs booth I was manning. When I asked the driver his name, he looked at me and said, "How much?" I repeated my question, and this time he answered. I then asked where he lived. "Boston," he replied with an odd look on his face. When I asked where he was going and the purpose of his trip, he told me it was none of my business, that he just wanted to know how much the toll was so he could pay it and go. "You’re not at a tollbooth, sir," I explained. "This is Canada Customs, and there’s no toll to enter Canada." The man paled. He’d left Boston six hours earlier, headed for New York City.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:18 PM                        Rated G George in Jamestown When one of our patrons returned from vacation and came into the library, he was informed he had an outstanding book. After searching at home, he told us he couldn’t find it and would have to pay for it. I told him we’d leave the billing for a few more weeks in case the book turned up. A couple of weeks later, the missing book arrived in our delivery van from headquarters with a note attached: "Found this book on an airplane seat.I read it and herewith return it to you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:24 PM                        Rated G Michael in Newport For three consecutive nights,the staff at the nursing home where I work watched with increasing anxiety a small grey van drive slowly up the driveway. It moved in and around the staff vehicles, parking deliberately beside each one in turn. When the van showed up on the fourth night, the maintenance chief went out to confront the intruders. A few minutes later our chief returned laughing. The owners of the van were practicing their parking skills.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2005 09:53 AM                        Rated G B.B. While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor. "What happened?" he asked. I said, "Attacked by a flying saucer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:33 AM                        Rated G DuBois, Pa. - A Burger King customer didn't get to have it his way. Gregg Luttman, 22, made an obscene gesture at the drive-thru clerk and then entered the fast-food restaurant and began cursing the staff. Police said that Luttman's inappropriate behavior was due to the fact that the Burger King was out of french fries. After his vulgar ranting, Luttman got back in his truck, put it in reverse and nearly hit one of the employees. Workers took down the license plate number and notified police. Luttman was stopped by police a short distance from the restaurant. He began to fight with police and kicked out the back window of the squad car. Now he faces charges ranging from assault, reckless endangerment and a few other offenses. Somebody sure needs a Happy Meal.  |  IP: Logged

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