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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 09:51 AM                        Rated G Michele A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents.On the way home,they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says,"Grandpa,am I a rooster or a hen?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 09:59 AM                        Rated G Louise At the end of a particularly severe winter,we removed the protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to the local glass shop,where I paid $110 for a replacement.The owner asked if I'd like them to install it,but I said I could handle it myself. I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.When I saw another $110 charge,I said, "I thought I might get a break on the second piece of glass." "I did give you a break," he replied. "How so?" I asked. "I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2005 10:16 AM                        Rated G Beverly As a ticket seller at a ski resort,I hand out notices during mild or wet weather warning of melting snow falling from the lift cables. One lady asked about it, and I explained, "It's a warning about the little drips that come off the lift..." "You're right," she interrupted, glancing at the 20 or so school buses in the parking lot, "those kids can be such a pain in the ass!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:24 PM                        Rated G Andrew I had the chance to sit down at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego with Joe Montana before he went onto the field with the San Francisco 49ers against Denver in Super Bowl XXlV (1989) We didn't know it then, but this would be Joe's last Super Bowl, his fourth championship and yet another high point in one of the most remarkable careers not just in pro football, but in all of sports. Joe seemed restless. He had already won everything there is in this game, the respect of teammates and opponents, coaches and owners, and especially the fans, plus all the awards: multiple League Most Valuable Player awards, Super Bowls and Super Bowl MVPs. I said, "Joe, you can't possibly be scared." His answer, I believe, was the key to his success and the reason I consider him the greatest quaterback of all time. He said, "If you're not afraid of losing, then losing means nothing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 10:12 AM                        Rated G Sandy in Coronado,Ca. THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires". NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 10:32 AM                        Rated G As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked, "Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?" "Nothing," I answered back. "Why?" He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACHOO"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 05:19 PM                        Rated G Georgina Whenever a patient is admitted to our hospital, a nurse makes a list of his drug allergies and sends it to our pharmacy department so we can enter the information into our computer. We laughed when we received one report from a pediatric patient. He stated he was allergic to "vegetables without dip."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 05:26 PM                        Rated G Mary Strangely, it was only on the weekends that the water suddenly ran cold in my morning shower. I soon discovered, however, that my wife of just a few short months chose the same time to run the dishwasher.I explained to her what happened to the water temperature when both ran at the same time and asked if she'd delay washing the dishes until I was finished. She agreed. The following weekend the water turned cold on me again. When I went down to the kitchen, I discovered my wife was true to her word. She hadn't turned on the dishwasher-but just then she emerged from the basement, where she had put a load of clothes in the washing machine.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:58 PM                        Rated G Joyce I manage apartments and mobile homes. First time this happened, I couldn't believe it, but it's happened a good 6 or 7 times, so... there are idiots all over the place. One day, an obviously intelligent man who put down on his application that he made $125,000 a year, looked at me and said that he would not put his checking account number on my application, because it was nobody's business. I said okay. He then wrote me a check for the screening fee. When he walked out, I promptly put his checking account number down on the application before I sent it through the FAX to the screening company... true story.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 01:29 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A young man in a wheelchair entered the library at Philadelphia Community College with his teacher. He asked if I, the librarian, could recommend any books about people overcoming handicaps. "He was in a car accident a year ago and the doctors say he may never walk again." On impulse, I chose "The Story of My Life" by Helen Keller. Benjamin, the young man, showed little interest when I explained that Helen Keller had been born deaf and blind, managed to overcome this double handicap and became a spokesman for people with serious handicaps. I completely forgot the incident until a few weeks later when Benjamin appeared at the library door. "I read the book," he told me in triumph. "I want to thank you. If Helen Keller could overcome what she had, then I knew I could, too." He was on crutches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:40 AM                        Rated G Judi Many years ago when I was a teenager my Dad played softball. We always went to his games as a family. One Saturday my Mom couldn't make it...and it was a double header. But we sisters went with Dad. He got injured in the first game and it looked like he cracked a couple ribs. Mom wasn't there to make him stop and get it checked out. So we tried to patch him up the best we could for the second game. All we had were maxi pads and an ace bandage. We used the maxi pad to protect the ribs and held it on with the ace bandage. It worked well until the fifth inning when Dad hit the ball way out. But as Dad rounded first the Maxi Pad had worked it's way loose fell out of his shirt! He didn't notice it...he kept running!! He made it to third partially because everybody was laughing so hard they could barely play! The ump at first picked up the maxi pad and brought it over to my Dad and announced..."You dropped this"!! Needless to say my Mom heard all about the injury and they called my Dad 'Maxi' for the longest time!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-25-2005 03:11 PM                        Rated G Caroline A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you fell from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:21 PM                        Rated G Andrew A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when his pager went off. He ran out,leaving his cart in an aisle. When he returned he found the cart full with his list on top and a note reading: "I finished your shopping for you. Thanks for helping the community."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G Carlton It was a full auditorium.Halfway through the author's talk,she began to feel sick.In a calm voice,she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage,in her bag. She walked off slowly and,as soon as she was out of sight,ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up. She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mike was still on.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G Sean Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99." The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."  |  IP: Logged

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