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Author Topic: True Stories Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 11:27 AM                        Rated G B.B. NASA This is a true story from the early days of the Apollo space program. NASA couldn't send men to the moon in a suit that hadn't been tested. Needless to say if the suit would fail and the astronauts died, the consequences would have been simply enormous. So they looked for a placem with similar terrain that they expected to find on the moon. After an exhaustive search, they found what they needed on the Navajo reservation out west. So they went there, set up their test site, had data vans, telemetry equipment, two guys in moon suits walking around...a real circus. Sitting on a hillside, watching the show, was an old Navajo shepherd and his son. After a while, they got up and walked down to the test site. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, had his son, who spoke English, ask what they were doing. When it was explained to him that they were preparing to send men to the moon, the old man got very excited and through his son, he asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. NASA's people, seeing a public relations bonanza in the making, readily agreed. A tape recorder was found, and the old man spoke his message. Then, through his son, he thanked them, turned, and walked away. Curious, the NASA people asked what the message said. The son, stifling a laugh, declined to translate the message. That evening, the NASA people went to the main part of the reservation. They played the message for several people, who simply laughed and declined to translate. Their curiosity getting the better of them, the NASA people finally located a person who would translate the message for $50 cash. They all chipped in, and paid the man his fee. "The message says," he said laughingly, "Watch these guys, they're here to take your land!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2006 12:09 PM                        Rated G B.B. An Amazing Story BRNO, Czech Republic (UPI)Surgeons in the Czech Republic have successfully reattached an 11-year-old boy's nose that had been bitten off and swallowed by a dog. The unidentified boy was attacked by an Alsatian in the town of Lipova, and local doctors were quick to contact the veterinarian who was going to euthanize the animal. The doctors asked him to check the dog's stomach contents, and the nose was found intact, and not chewed, The Telegraph reported Tuesday. Concerned with infection, the medical team at St. Anna Hospital in Brno carefully sterilized it, and chief plastic surgeon, Dr. Jiri Vesely, used micro-surgery to reattach it. Vesely said after the 11-hour operation, the boy's sense of smell is not affected and he can breathe normally.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:03 AM                        Rated G alanv71 This happened at our footy ground..... TWO randy football fans were kicked out of Sunderland’s ground for having SEX in the ladies’ loo. The couple were heard groaning in a cubicle after half-time in yesterday’s 1-1 Premiership draw against Spurs. A fan reported the pair at the Stadium of Light and they have had their season tickets cancelled. A club source said: “I don’t think the groans were because we were losing at the time.” Police arrested the man for an indecency offence.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 09:17 AM                        Rated G Lorraine TEEN TRAPS HIMSELF IN FOLDAWAY BED BERLIN (Feb. 15) - A German youth who tied himself to a foldaway bed because he was bored was rescued by police after becoming trapped in its mechanism, officials said on Tuesday. Neighbors alerted the police in the western German town of Schwelm after hearing the 16-year-old's cries for help late on Monday night. When police entered the apartment, they found the bed had folded itself away and the red-faced youth was tied upside down to it with a tow-rope and wire and unable to free himself. "He said he did it because he was bored," said Dietmar Trust, a spokesman for the local police. "He was visibly embarrassed but it was also a pretty amusing situation."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 07:54 AM                        Rated G Nancy Blue Eyes My friend had been promoted and transferred to another branch of the Commerce bank where she worked. Hoping her new staff would appreciate it, Sandy decided to organize a party and arranged a meeting after the branch closed. She explained her plans and asked those who would come alone to raise one hand and those who would be accompanied to raise two. The police arrived within minutes. A pedestrian walking by had seen the bank staff with their hands above their heads. Thinking a robbery was in progress, he had raced to a phone booth and dialed 9-1-1.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 01:32 PM                        Rated G B.B. The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chapel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved. Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car. [ 03-19-2006, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 07:41 AM                        Rated G Georgia My parents went out for dinner to celebrate both their 47th anniversary and my father's birthday. Towards the end of the meal, the maître d' insisted they have a complimentary dessert, which was served complete with sparklers to honour the occasion. Just as they were finishing, a young couple, perhaps in their early 30s, who had been sitting nearby, stopped by my parents' table on their way out. They said they had realized what the celebration was and had thoroughly enjoyed sharing, at a distance, in the event. They shook hands and went on their way. When my dad stopped to pay the bill on the way out, he and Mom were astonished to be told that the young couple who had stopped by their table had picked up their tab, including a suitable tip! The couple had also insisted that their names and phone number not be revealed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 05:29 PM                        Rated R WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2006 11:59 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine Lady Godiva, in the year 1057, exasperated her husband by persistently pleading with him to reduce the taxes on the people of Coventry. To silence her, he declared he would do so only if she rode naked through the town's market place. The 17-year-old Godiva called his bluff and set out for the town the next day on horseback, completely naked. However, by concealing most of her body with her long and copious hair, she preserved both her own modesty and her husband's pride, enabling him to reduce the taxes without loss of face. A later embellishment of this almost certainly apocryphal tale suggests that Lady Godiva made a pact with the townspeople that they would remain indoors, behind shuttered windows, if they wanted their taxes reduced. Everyone complied except a tailor called Tom. This prurient citizen peeped through his curtains and was instantly struck blind (or, in some versions, dead). Poor voyeuristic Tom, blind or dead as the case may be, left the epithet "a peeping Tom" as a permanent legacy to the English language.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2006 09:47 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In the 1950s Groucho Marx was invited to take a tour of the New York Stock Exchange. While in the observation booth, he grabbed the public address system handset and began singing "Lydia the Tattooed Lady". Upon hearing silence coming from the trading floor, he walked into view, was given a loud cheer by the traders, and shouted, "Gentlemen, in 1929 I lost eight hundred thousand dollars on this floor, and I intend to get my money's worth!" For fifteen minutes, he sang, danced, told jokes, and all this time, the Wall Street stock ticker was running blank.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 05:10 PM                        Rated X Greek MASTERCARD WEDDING You gotta love this guy! This is a true story about a recent Greek wedding that took place in Astoria , NY . It was in the local newspaperand even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 600 guests... At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from Greece , to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. In side each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here. You people can stay here and celebrate with that PUTANA." He had he marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $92,000 for a 600 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 600 friends and family members. This guy has b*lls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this? Let's give it a try... ---Elegant wedding reception for 600 family members and friends.........$92,000. ---Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.........................$4,000. ---Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations on Mykonos Island ....$8,500. ---The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex......................................... .Priceless! There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 08:17 AM                        Rated G Diana In an exhibition game a pitcher named Jackie Mitchell struck out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig on six pitches. Such a feat would predict a great future in the major leagues, but the hurler never made it to the big time. You see, Jackie Mitchell was a girl.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2007 08:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine On a visit to Israel as mayor of West Berlin, Willy Brandt (1913- 1992) was invited to view the great new Mann auditorium in Tel Aviv. Having expressed his appreciation of Israel's naming the concert hall for Thomas Mann, the German writer, Brandt was politely corrected by his host. The hall was actually named for a certain Frederic Mann of Philadelphia. "What did he ever write?" exclaimed Brandt. "A check," came the reply.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2007 11:21 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Accounts of the cherry-colored cat in jokelore indicate that the trick was practiced during the eighteenth century. A century later P. T. Barnum, a past master of trickery, is said to have been a victim of it. A man from Vermont wrote offering him a cherry-colored cat for $100. Always on the lookout for rare attractions for his show, he replied that he would send the money on condition that the creature was guaranteed to be genuinely, not artificially, cherry-colored. Upon receipt of the guarantee, Barnum sent the money, and shortly afterward received a small crate. When Barnum had it opened, a black cat jumped out. Around its neck was a ribbon from which hung a note: "Up in Vermont," it read, "the cherries are black!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 08:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As the shopping center's marketing director, I was putting the finishing touches on an ad. I asked Pauline, the newspaper's sales representative, how to spell "eligible." She wrote it down on a card she fished from her purse. I completed the copy, returned the card to her, and she left. Not long after, I received a call from the manager of one of our clothing stores. He asked if I knew if Pauline was married. I told him I thought so and asked why he was interested. "She just gave me her business card," he said, "and on the back she's written 'eligible'."  |  IP: Logged

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