I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle looked like an extra in the film "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

This was when my son was just about three...now he is 26 and I assume he knows more!

One day he came to me with a puzzled look and said, "Ma, I came from your stomach, right?"

I thought, oh god, here goes, and said, "yes".

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home.

When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.

One night during a snowstorm my father was bringing me home. Along the way he suddenly had to stop because two people were walking far out on the road. Instead of getting off the road, they just stayed where they were and my father was forced to go on the other side of the road to go around them.

Rated G

Received from: Chrissy RN

Real Life story,

I am a nurse and I worked a double shift. I was totally exhausted and not able to focus properly. My friend begged me to go to the mall to buy her boyfriend a present. I said, 'Ok if you could drive me home, I can't drive ---I am too tired.'

She agreed and off to the mall we went.

When we entered a sports store, I noticed a nice tent with a nice cot inside it.

Slowly I entered it, zippered it and got comfortable on the cot.

I awoke and it was dark. I didn't know where I was. I then realized I fell asleep in the tent. I opened the tent in fear and to my surprise the store was dark with only exit signs lit.

I ran to a desk and found a phone and called an operator informing them I needed help I was locked in the mall. I was then connected to the police department which had to contact the mall security.

Police men and security came opened the doors to the store and I stood there hysterical laughing. The cops thought I was drunk because I was walking in a staggered mannerism, due to fatigue.

Also, they wanted to know why I was wearing PJ'S? I informed them they were scrubs and I just got done working a double shift.

After numerous phone calls to see if my story was valid they called my friend to have her pick me up.

When she showed up she said, 'I looked all over for you and thought you took a taxi home.' Hysterically laughing we left the mall.

Two days later when I went back to work, I was called into the medical conference room. When I entered, thedoctors and nurses had gifts for me. An alarm clock,
sheets,and a blue rolled up foam cushion I could sleep
on.

I said to them what is this for and they said 'For the next time you fall asleep in the mall.'

My nickname became known as 'THE MALL SLEEPING NURSE'

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often remarked on how cute she was.

One day I was standing with her in the supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.

My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.

"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee.

"On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey,it's the law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."

Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this....

This is an actual case...A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, while we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was
purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to
the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been grantedthe privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost asmuch as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope the hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?

They got it..

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed my handbag, two typed written pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag.

"We're required to inventory lost handbags, wallets and purses, he explained. I think you'll find everything there."

When my father was a car salesman, one of his best sales pitches promoted the superior brand of tires supplied as standard equipment. Even as someone took delivery of a new car, Dad would hand over the keys and say of the tires:"Guaranteed to give you miles of smiles."

One day, a man returned to the dealership ten minutes after getting Dad's usual send-off. "You know those tires that are guaranteed to give miles of smiles?" asked the man.

My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.

The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.

The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy.

My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

The following was said to be written by a dentist in Australia.

"You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, French, Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes.

Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations. And America will welcome them!

Pass this around the World!