As head of a fairly large photography dept. in an agency in Lou.,Ky., I see quite a few glamorous people who model for jobs we shoot.

Often there will be art directors, clients and account directors present at these shoots. Sometimes this presents certain problems, such as last year when we had a well know national model in for a job and the art director was smitten by her.

The same art director was going out with one of the account assistants, who quietly smoldered through the whole job, but bit her tongue until the job was over and the girl was gone.

A few days later in a sales meeting the account executive of this account mentioned that the model was being flown in for The Kentucky Derby, by the client.

When my son was six years old, he received a tool box for Christmas. The tool box contained a small hammer, a saw, pliers, screw driver, etc.

He was enthused about his new toy and urged me to go with him to
the basement to try out some of his tools.

I had some scrap wood in the basement left over from recently
paneling the basement,so asked him,"What do you want to build?"

He excitedly replied,"Let's build a dog house!!"

Since our pet was a cat,and not a dog,I told him that a dog
house would not be appropriate since we didn't have a dog.

His quick solution was,"then let's build a cat house!!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

The other day I got into the elevator of my apartment building
with two other tenants, both of whom have, like me, lived there
for 30 years. "Hi, Sheila," I said to the woman.

The man looked surprised. "Is your name Sheila?" he asked. She
nodded and smiled. "But," he said, "I've been calling you Lillian
for years, and you've never corrected me."

"True," she replied, "but you never heard me answer you, did you?"

The family was gathered together to assist with preparations for arrival of the new baby.

Painting window trim, hanging wall paper and assembling the crib.

The expectant mom's nephew, Mike, aged three, was also in attendance and helping as only little ones can.

During one of his rest breaks, he asked where the baby was.

Mike's mom pointed to her sisters protruding stomach and said "it's in here".

Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

My aunt and mom [both gourmet cooks] were stressing kitchen skills and the old adage about the way to a man's heart.

Grandma, after listening to her daughters-in-law for several minutes, gave them a derisive humph and said, ''look Cat, the way to man's heart may lie through his stomach but if you want to lock the door after you, the key hangs a bit farther down''.

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severly damaged hood and fender.

My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked," Speed of other vehicle?"

My daughter very proud of her reading abilities, was asked to go to the freezer and fetch a package of hamburger.

She returned empty handed and frowning.

When asked about the hamburger and her disappointment, she replied "Dad there was no hamburger"

I told her on the second shelf, it was full of packages.

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby.
Toilet seat never down, etc.-you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct?

A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.

*insert Twilight Zone theme*

It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a
tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins?

Total memory failure?

I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to
forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.

Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet
and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers,
applicators, and the tampon themselves!

Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!

I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle
this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"

I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"

With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet.

I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. Whatdo YOU use them for?"

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital.

When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said.

"It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard
sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very
angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.

A German post office sent a card wishing a man good luck in his new home, only to find he had changed his address because he was in prison.

The cards are automatically sent out as a customer relations scheme to welcome Germans to their new address.

But the good wishes failed to bring a smile to the face of the complainant from Lueneburg - whose new home is a prison.

The card said "The post office wishes you a good move", and advised the new homeowner to get settled in.

While in the check out line at the grocery store, I couldn't help but notice the collection of items the man in front of me was purchasing:

A package of ground beef,chili peppers, jalapeno peppers,kidney beans,tomato paste,onions,chili powder,and one super-sized package of toilet paper.

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" the father asked.