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Author Topic: Senior's Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-23-2017 01:07 PM                        Rated G..... A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy,'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-31-2018 12:41 PM                        Rated PG...... This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed elderly woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? Here's her story in her own words: “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with her large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. “If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! “Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-23-2018 08:10 PM                        Rated PG... Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movements any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-21-2018 01:29 PM                        Rated G.... The frequency of sexual activity of senior males apparently depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from the United Nations Board of Health Teams reveal that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-02-2018 01:02 PM                        Rated G..... During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-05-2018 01:59 PM                        Rated PG.... Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him. Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!” Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool”!! And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-23-2019 01:21 PM                        Rated G.... An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image. Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 02-09-2019 01:24 PM                        Rated G.... A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-30-2019 01:21 PM                        Rated G... An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad , what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-16-2019 01:39 PM                        Rated G..... Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the old guy says, "Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-21-2019 03:14 PM                        Rated G...... An older woman gets pulled over for speeding… Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. Traffic Cop: Don't have one? Older Woman: No. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving. Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Traffic Cop: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Traffic Cop: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Traffic Cop: You what!? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the older women's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Older Woman: (steps out of her vehicle) Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. (The woman opens the trunk, it is empty.) Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. Senior Officer: My colleague claims that you do not have a driver's license. The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner! Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-25-2019 02:30 PM                        Rated PG...... I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... give it a try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the groin but...when you're over seventy...who cares?  |  IP: Logged

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