A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In
the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls,
none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I
hope you took at least some precautions."

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in
a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED
DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and
said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he
claimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and
$500 IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on
the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then
he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."
while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my
god, oh my god'?"

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable definiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsiblity for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took ;

The melody out of the music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of schools,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others !!

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

Remember....inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened !

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN !The life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at openiing childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am
going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me get up.

I'm smling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over....

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for....long term care, eye care,private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials,Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't remember.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......

I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when
did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be
alive at 150?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.

Bill was retired and loved to sit in front of his house and watch the young girls walk by. Then he developed heart trouble and had to have a pacemakerimplanted.

THE ELDERLY WEDDING

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Andy Rooney On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy SeniorCitizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

A little old lady called 911.

When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away! There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"

Nursing Home Chit Chat

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

QUOTES ABOUT AGING:

1. "Middle Age--when you chose your cereal based on fiber not the toy." (Anonymous)

2. "The trouble with aging is that by the time you finally know your way around, you don't feel like going." (Anonymous)

3. "The older I get, the better I was." (Anonymous)

4. "You know your old when your age in years surpasses your height in inches." (J. Stamatis)

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

Penelope

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple, who were childhood sweethearts, had married and
settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their
old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so, they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

ABC's for Those Over 50

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to
time)

N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing
medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet unfound
X is for X ray--and what one might find

Y is for year (another one I'm still alive).
Z is for zest

Two old men are in a nursing home. The first one says to the second, "I'll bet you fifty bucks that my dick is longer limp than your's is hard."

The second old man says, "Sure" believing that there is no way his buddies dick could be that long.

They both take off their pants, the second old guy says to the first, "Well, how long is your's limp?"

A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I
should buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

Grandma's Receipt For Doing The Family Wash

This is an authentic washday "receipt" in its original spelling as
it was written out for a bride four generations ago:

1. Bild a fire in back yard to heet kettle of rain water.

2. Set tubs so smoke won't blow in your eyes.

3. Shave one hole cake lie sope in bilin water.

4. Sort thing, make three piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile cullord. 1
pile work britches and rags.

5. Stur flour in cold water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water.

6. Rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, then bile. Rub cullord, but don't bile - just rench and starch.

7. Take white things our of kettle with broom stick handle, then
rench, blew, and starch.

8. Spred tee towels on grass

9. Hang old rags on fence.

10. Scrub porch with hot sopey water

11. Turn tubs upside down.

12. Go put on cleen dress - smooth hair with side combs - brew cup
of tee - set and rest and rock a spell and count blessins.

~Author Unknown~