posted 11-12-2002 08:43 PM                       

Rated PG

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...

Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your
last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're
wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come
back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your
pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your
wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your
bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the
police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have
to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one
that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to
exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure
that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't
do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the
golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal
detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all
bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the
night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread
USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't
care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of
campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that
they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did
when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even
remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't
breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl
go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for
the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps
you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall
and forget where I parked my car.

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