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Author Topic: Senior's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 01:01 PM                        Rated R George In Portland happened last summer at an assisted-living care facility in Forest Grove, Oregon. An old man who lived there (I think he was in his 80's) called a prostitute and asked her to come visit him. Apparently she had to go through the front desk to get to him. When the staff found out WHY she was there, they refused to let her in. It was not that kind of a business establishment. Somehow she found out what room he was in.She went around to the outside of his window and helped him escape through the window. Then they drove off someplace in her car. Afterward, she returned him to the home.At that point, the staff had no alternative but to let him back in.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G ) An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. "No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock." "Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:39 PM                        Rated G :)Nancy in Iowa Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 12:03 PM                        Rated G Michele Future Quotes from Grandparents "Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of mind-numbing crap to watch!" "You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that 'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing." "When I was your age,we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends,we had to use a CELL PHONE!" "Senility,my ass!I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to have a talking car. "When I was your age,we didn't admire the grace and beauty of a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the bastards--right out of the can!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 10:55 AM                        Rated G Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, but how do you honestly feel?" "Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 07:54 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Old Mrs. Pierpont A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpont is." A few minutes later, the boy returns. "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks. "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says. "At me? Whatever for?" "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpont told me it's none of your business how old she is."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 08:47 AM                        Rated G Becky Old Is... When your son starts treating you with respect. When styles come back for the second time and you still have some left from the first time. When a man says,"I want to be alone with you" and you suspect his motives. When you think all of your friends are showing their age...but not you. When your husband doesn't embarrass you anymore. When you look in the mirror and think to yourself, "Aren't I wise?" --Marcella Markham, from "Old Is Great"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:12 PM                        [b]Rated PG Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today,I'm utterly exhausted,"replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,"said George. Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2003 05:59 AM                        Rated G They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. It is A.A.A.D.D. or Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car;I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the hall table.OK,I'm going to wash the car but first I'm going to go through the mail.I lay the car keys down on the table, discard the junk mail but notice the trash can is full. OK,I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway,I'll just pay these few bills first.Now, where is my cheque book? Oops,there's only one check left.My extra checks are in my desk.Oh,there's the Coke I was drinking.I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my drink further away from the computer,or maybe I'll just pop it in the fridge to keep it cold for awhile.I head toward the kitchen and notice that the flowers need some water. I set the drink on the counter and,oh oh!there are my glasses.I'd been looking for them all morning!I better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowers - aaaah! somebody left the TV remote in the kitchen!We will be looking for that tonight when we watch TV so I'd better put it back into the family room where it belongs. I spash some water onto the flowers and the floor.I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and head back down the hall trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do..... End of Day the car isn't washed the bills are unpaid the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter the flowers are half watered the check book only has 1 check in it and I can't find the car keys When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today I'm baffled because I know I was busy all day.I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help but first I'm going to check my email.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G CONSPIRACY, WE MUST STOP THIS Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.They speak in whispers all the time!If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too:they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:10 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL ... You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. It takes a couple of tries to walk over a speed bump. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker. You look both ways before crossing a room. ;D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated G Captain Silver An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren. Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her. "Tell me, Mrs. Rosenwasser, how old are your grandsons?" Mrs. Rosenwasser gave her a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:59 PM                        Rated G Two elderly gentlemen were having coffee in the resort hotel the morning after their double wedding to their respective elderly wives. Jim said, with concern, "I'll have to see a doctor when I get home, I couldn't consummate my marriage last night." "Oh, really," says Bob. "Well, I better see a therapist then - I didn't even think of it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 12:54 PM                        Rated G THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimers research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated PG This old couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says,"Because I want to feel something hard for a change."  |  IP: Logged

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