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Author Topic: Senior's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 06:49 PM                        Rated G Michele Ways to Seduce Your Spouse After Fifty Years of Marriage. Secretly replace his Centrum Silver with Viagra. Light a few candles and put on some romantic music - then dress up like "Matlock." Walk around the house in a T-shirt, black socks and no underpants. Hey,it worked for my old man. Sensuous Aspercreme rubdowns. Shout lewd suggestions into her hearing aid. Crank up the oxygen tent to "high" and hope you get lucky. Give her a sensual foot massage, and while you're down there, go ahead and rub her breasts as well. Tiger-striped Depends, baby!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 08:20 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary. The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself,"At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!" After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long. He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them,but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age. The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes.Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?" The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand,and then we make a bet." The bell boy hollers,"A BET? What bet?!" If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk. The bell boy asks, "Well,what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win," says the old man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 04:01 PM                        Rated G Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally,the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly,"Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me.What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said,"Will you help me get up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 06:02 PM                        Rated G An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. "Are these your grandkids?", the reporter asked. "No sir, they all be my young'uns," the old man replied with a sly grin. "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "No sir," said the old man. "She be my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old." "Thass right," said the old man with pride. "Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked. "Yes sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Oh hell, Sonny" the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fight 'em."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated G Michele Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized. "I say", said the first, "Isn't that the Pope over there?" "I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask him?" "Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner. "Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the Pope?" "Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably. Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend. "What did he say?" he asked. "He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'" "Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the Pope."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 05:25 PM                        Rated G A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse.He got out and knocked at the door.A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away.Then he heard voices.He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.So he made a U-turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:23 PM                        Rated G Michele Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," she was told. "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get any younger?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-19-2003 01:07 PM                        Rated R Dennis in Yonkers Grandma knows best Bob walks up to the porch of his grandparent's home and notices Grandpa sitting on the porch,in his rocking chair,with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he asks. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" Bob asks again. The old man slowly looks up at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. "This is your grandma's idea."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home.A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," said the reporter. "Well,I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer."And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women." Just then,there was a loud shriek in the hall.The crew turned to see a nurse run by,followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.As he ran by, he paused for a moment,looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit. "What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. Replied the old geezer,"Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part,but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.It says,"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.It makes your nose look long."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-30-2003 11:29 AM                     SMOKING Rated PG-13 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigartte doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-07-2003 05:15 PM                        Some of the artists from the 60's and 70's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate we geezer coots. Herman's Hermits- "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker" The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip" The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone" Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends" Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts" Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair" Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now" Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" ABBA - "Denture Queen" Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver" Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To TheBathroom" Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 06:18 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee While working at the mall,I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking.As they approached,I commented on how romantic it was. He replied,"We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years.I have to. If I let go, she shops.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-25-2003 06:08 PM                        With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and “special” TV movies.  They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc.  Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK,    it takes months to get into decent nursing homes.  There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus.   For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafes there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance.   And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue.    What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts. So, when I reach the Golden Age, help me keep my grin. Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!  |  IP: Logged

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