|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Senior's
|
|
|
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 11-07-2003 01:08 PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-17-2003 02:28 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Gordon in Toronto Eating my Butter Tarts
An elderly lady enters the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's on me."
As the lady finishes her drink, another younger lady to her right says, "I'd like to buy you a drink too. The elderly lady kindly acceptsthe offer. Bartender says she, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. Coming up," says the bartender."As she finishes her drink, a man to her left says, "I'd like to buy you one too." Again she accepts graciously. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch with two drops of water. Comin' right up," says the bartender.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The woman replies,
"Sonny, by the time you're my age you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Water, however, is a whole different story." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 11-21-2003 12:40 PM
1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and, attached to her butt was an oyster, and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 .. oh well, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.. (Maybe you get your memory back.)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-03-2003 02:45 PM
Rated G Hank in Simi
Senior Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great.I would recommend
it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion:
"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-06-2003 11:03 AM
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes,I know," said another."My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time,my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth,to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am,and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well,count your blessings,"said one woman cheerfully,"thank God we can all still drive."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 12-09-2003 05:37 PM
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea
had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange
sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no
longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ,
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a
cold all winter!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-12-2003 01:02 PM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm running late...didn't have time to get you a present."
"Not to worry," said dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything...sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "glad you can be here."
The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
During dinner, the father put down his fork,looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate.Despite this,we were able to raise you and send you to college.But we never got around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said,in unison,"You mean we're BASTARDS?"
"Yep," said the dad."And cheap ones too."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic